Difference in income between partners

justme111

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

It's been interesting reading some of them.

I think being 50/50 in a relationship is important as much as you can. I mean it's a partnership and it should be equal. My OH earns nearly £30kp.a. so it's not like he doesn't earn a good salary.

I obviously earn more but I also have a mortgage to pay, bills etc so my outgoings are more.

I am happy to share with him but equally I need to protect myself a little. If I had started a thread saying how I have been with my OH for about a year and have decided to transfer my investment portfolio into joint names, you'd probably say I'm crazy and should protect myself.

This is completely different topic. How to protect your possessions in case relationship does not work is one thing , how to manage moneywise while it does work is another. Referring to you being right in one aspect does not make you right in another.
I am not sure you will be able to make it work. You obviously have an issue with a man contributing less in money terms. So pretending you do not will not work , you will feel resentful and it will transpire in how you relate to him. You see him as a less of a man because of it. Another issue would be that he has to be very self assured so as not to see himself as less if a man because of it and then you would have to tender to his hang ups in addition to yours. You split already once and he commented on you not appreciating his input ... Nei , I don't think.you will manage.

Written by a single woman in a higher rate tax band . It kills my dating options. . Just joking (well a bit) I believe I would been able to navigate income disparity specially as he is not on minimum wage. Needs tact , trust, love and strength. By the way he does not need to do more dishes because he earns less , he probably done them just because he is tidier.

This shovinistic society we are part of would absolutely approve of a woman who earns half man's wage but shun a man in the same situation, it is humblifying to realise how much our brain is influenced by crowd.

paulineb_2

msb5262 wrote: »

I'm interested to note that nobody seems to have suggested that the OP and her partner could organise their money by ratio...if her income is 3 x his income, I would suggest they put money into the joint pot in the ratio of 3:1. Then this money could be spent on holidays etc and it would represent the same proportion of each partner's income. This would also avoid the issue of one partner being able to choose where the holiday will be etc because they're paying more - to me a shared pot of money is the only way.

I don't see why not, I have friends who are married and he earns significantly more than she does and that's what they do.

Idiophreak

The wife and I have done things kinda "joint" for a long time now - since long before we were married...We do a joint budget, give each other the same amount of "pocket money" and use that to buy anything. Everything else goes towards savings / debt - whichever we have at the time.

Anything big - holidays, purchases etc is talked about and budgeted for.

When you do that, who earns what is really quite irrelevant...at times I've earnt double what she did, she's earnt 25% more than me and now we're about even (around 1% difference)...

It was an adjustment, but giving it thought, it would be quite strange to want to have a different quality of life to your OH, despite your relative earnings....so it kinda makes sense.

martinsurrey

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Thanksfor the replies.

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

It's been interesting reading some of them.

I think being 50/50 in a relationship is important as much as you can. I mean it's a partnership and it should be equal.

I think it’s important to be 100%/100% into a relationship; you seem to want to keep a bit back on the side for yourself.

I also think it should be equal in a relationship; you both love each other equally, and equally do things for each other that the other might struggle with.

If money is an issue, its not an issue of who pays what, it’s an issue with either, the relationship between the people, or one parties relationship with money.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s how I feel (and I speak from a similar position).

floss2

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm really starting to notice the potential 'issues' there are sometimes when it comes to the different amount I earn to my partner.

I earn over £35,000p.a. more than he does. I also have large savings compared to him.

I can be very generous and I always offer to pay for things. We do usually pay 50/50 when we go out for meals, entertainment etc. But I accept that if I want to do something specific like go see a show, ultimately I need to pay for the tickets.

I really don't mind sharing money with him but I'm just wondering if this will always be the same?

Part of me doesn't want to spend too much as we've only been together for about a year and I'm concerned about 'wasting money'.

I honestly think that if we got married then life would be a little easier as the money would be 'ours'. I would want to somehow protect my savings (just in case things didn't work out) although I wouldn't go into marriage thinking of the worse.

But actual monthly money, would be easier to share.....

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

It's been interesting reading some of them.

I think being 50/50 in a relationship is important as much as you can. I mean it's a partnership and it should be equal. My OH earns nearly £30kp.a. so it's not like he doesn't earn a good salary.

I obviously earn more but I also have a mortgage to pay, bills etc so my outgoings are more.

I am happy to share with him but equally I need to protect myself a little. If I had started a thread saying how I have been with my OH for about a year and have decided to transfer my investment portfolio into joint names, you'd probably say I'm crazy and should protect myself.

You say you've been together for about a year, you want to protect YOUR money, and you really don't mind sharing your money with him.

Why not each pay for alternate dates / tickets etc until your relationship is strong enough for you to live together and have a joint account for your bills? So you buy an expensive experience, he takes you to the cinema & you have pizza afterwards (as an example). This will allow you time for your relationship to develop naturally, and to understand how he feels about money - he may be a true gent and want to pay for everything, or he may be genuinely struggling to keep up with your lifestyle.

When me & DH were courting, I lived 50 miles away with 2 teenage sons. He often used to treat us to things like Twickenham or Murrayfield tickets, expensive hotels or ski holidays. He knew I couldn't match and he didn't expect me to - he accepted that when I insisted on paying I meant it, and he graciously allowed me to do so. I would (and still do, as he takes home twice the amount I do) buy tickets for birthday & Christmas gifts for him. Now we've been married for alomst 3 years (and lived together for 4 before that) we base our "share" of the bills on that formula, and we end up with roughly the same savings & spends after the bills are paid each month.

paulineb_2

I think its actually quite sad that people enter into marriages thinking about protecting savings and I don't mean that people shouldn't get legal advice. Of course they should.

But unless you are a multi millionaire realistically how much is someone going to get? If people are saving, Id be asking what they are saving for, theres nothing wrong with having a pension pot and ISAs or savings plans, but if you go into a long term commitment with someone my view is, you go in with honesty, even if that's declaring that you have a lot more money than someone else does.

If you have to be even considering about moving money around and hiding it away, Id be asking is that person the person I want to be with, because there are people who earn significantly more than partners, but they manage to work things out, have a life together, bring up kids.

As I said before, reality is that very few people will earn identical wages over their lifetime, most couples will have one earner that's higher than the other.

And before you go into a marriage, it is worth taking legal advice to find out what the other partner could have a claim on if you split, because at least then you'll be going into it with your eyes wide open.

floss2

msb5262 wrote: »

I'm interested to note that nobody seems to have suggested that the OP and her partner could organise their money by ratio...if her income is 3 x his income, I would suggest they put money into the joint pot in the ratio of 3:1. Then this money could be spent on holidays etc and it would represent the same proportion of each partner's income. This would also avoid the issue of one partner being able to choose where the holiday will be etc because they're paying more - to me a shared pot of money is the only way.

This cross posted with mine saying thats what we do!

JimmyTheWig

hezza86 wrote: »

I see this from the other side. (although female myself) my husband earns alot more than me. However we only just got married last year and had lived together for 8 years previous to that.
Now i admit that i hate the fact that i just cant contribute as much to the household bills.

There is no reason that everything should be split half and half. As long as you are both putting in the effort, then what's the problem?

If, for example, you were better at sewing than him you would do most of the clothes fixing jobs. Would he feel guilty that he couldn't contribute as much to that?

Or if, for example, you were stronger than him and you were digging over the garden together you would do more or it than he did because you'd be doing it for the same time together. You wouldn't do your half then go and put your feet up while he struggles to finish his half. Would he feel guilty that you'd done more of the garden than him? I don't see why he should.

justme111

Ps. As you see him as less of a man you see yourself as failed as well because you have chosen someone who is not that good , does mean you could not fo better - hurtful emotions , thats why you resentful. There is no other explanation to your statement about wasting money I'm going out with him if it does not work. If you were well balanced and self assured you might not seen it all as an issue
I

Rottensocks

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I mean it's a partnership and it should be equal. My OH earns nearly £30kp.a. so it's not like he doesn't earn a good salary.

I obviously earn more but I also have a mortgage to pay, bills etc so my outgoings are more.

I am happy to share with him but equally I need to protect myself a little.

Firstly, a partnership doesn't need to be equal, just that all partners have to be clear about what is their share.


You have a mortgage to pay, but presumably boyfriend has housing costs to pay too?

On a salary of 65:30k, I would expect it to be self evident that your outgoings were more... I think realistically, you should both be looking at this in terms of disposable income rather than on paper income.


If you want to protect yourself, don't get married, simple.