Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Valli

FBaby wrote: »

Getting divorced is about ending all ties to a past relationship, not starting a new one. We all know that and so does he. So why is he being so elusive and giving you no more explanation that the above?

Just to play Devil's Advocate though, the process of divorce can be, in itself, unpleasant. It's often said that 'divorce is easy' well, IMO, it isn't, it's a negative thing to be doing, you can feel a failure for having to do it at all and I just wanted it all to be over...but I had to go through it.

Perhaps it's that.

FBaby

Just to play Devil's Advocate though, the process of divorce can be, in itself, unpleasant. It's often said that 'divorce is easy' well, IMO, it isn't, it's a negative thing to be doing, you can feel a failure for having to do it at all and I just wanted it all to be over...but I had to go through it.

Yes, maybe, but then why not say exactly that to OP instead of saying he will do it and then still hasn't done a thing 5 months later?

Ophelia_10

FBaby wrote: »

Something just doesn't ring right. Not sure what it is, but his behaviour just isn't logical.



Getting divorced is about ending all ties to a past relationship, not starting a new one. We all know that and so does he. So why is he being so elusive and giving you no more explanation that the above?

Does this mean that he is happy to stay committed in some way with his wife if it means that you two can't be committed? Why? In the end, it is not normal or right that a man, in love with someone else, with whom he has been in a long term relationship, who wants to move to the next step AND whose partner is saying this can't happen unless he gets divorced, should show no intention to act on it. You've told him 5 months ago that these were the conditions. Even if it doesn't matter to him, it matters to you, so surely that should be enough for him to do something about it.

I really can't help but think that there is more to it than what he claims.

I can't help but agree with your summary Fbaby - and you may well be right that there is more to it. It is certainly something I have pondered over LOTS - as you can imagine. But I've not been able to uncover any evidence of there being more to it and have accepted that it may be a combination of it not being important to him and his fear of confronting it all and the nasty, abusive behaviour to begin again

Ophelia_10

MrsDrink wrote: »

It's not totally comparable, but MrD didn't see the point in getting married. We had a joint mortgage, we'd been together at the time for 10 years, he was committed to me, etc, etc, but it wasn't enough for me. I wanted the world to know I was his wife, and he is my husband. I wanted to be a proper part of each other's family's. And similar to your situation there is very little area to compromise. We either got married or we didn't. Your partner either gets a divorce or he doesn't. Neither are something you can half do. But, as I explained to MrD, the bit you can compromise on is the how. I explained that whilst I respected his desire to not get married, he should respect mine to get married. In the end we did marry (his acceptance of my 'proposal' were the words "I suppose we could look into it"). We had a fairly low key, no frills celebration, it was perfect really, just what we both wanted, but if I had to run off with two random people as witnesses just so I could become his wife I would have. The same is true for you and your partner. How he gets the divorce is the bit you can compromise on.

While he is filing for a divorce, could he rent somewhere closer to you? Could you rent somewhere together but be totally financially independent. Be like housemates?

I also think at the end of the day you have to ask yourself could you cope if he never gets a divorce. I never gave MrD an ultimatum. I never said he either marries me or we were over, because I loved him with all my heart (and still do) and I was (and am) happy with our relationship. The marriage was just the icing on the cake. I would have carried on being unmarried with him if that was what I had to do. But could you carry on being with him if he never gets the divorce? Would you want to be where you are now in 5, 10, 50 years time? Would you be happy doing what you are currently doing to your dying day? If not then something must give. And I would expect some pretty tight reasons as to why he SHOULDN'T get a divorce before I gave in on that.

(Hope I've explained myself lol this has taken me an age to write, I keep rephrasing everything!)

Thanks for taking the time to write this MrsDrink - I have more to say on it so will come back to it soon if that's ok

Ophelia_10

FBaby wrote: »

Yes, maybe, but then why not say exactly that to OP instead of saying he will do it and then still hasn't done a thing 5 months later?

That is exactly another point I was going to make. If he at least turns round to me and point blank says "Sorry, but I am never going to get a divorce" at least I know what I'm dealing with and I can make an informed choice about my future. But saying 'it will happen when it happens' doesn't give me the clarity I need to make my life choices :eek:

FBaby

But saying 'it will happen when it happens' doesn't give me the clarity I need to make my life choices

It then becomes difficult not to resort to an ultimatum when faced with such a final comment that can't really be argued one way or the other.

Saying that, ultimatums are not always bad. Sometimes they are what some people need to take action and then realise that it was indeed the right one to take!

meer53

I was married for over 20 years to a man who treated me like a princess, allowed me to go away on holiday with my friends, bought me expensive gifts, earned lots of money etc.

I trusted him implicitly, he worked away a lot, everyone says he was a very trustworthy person. Then i found out he had been having an affair, for 6 months. Well, thats what he told me when i found out anyway. We had lived together for 19 years. Been married for 17 of those years, had 2 children.

What you are saying OP about your partner, rings alarm bells for me. Some of the most charming and trustworthy people can also be bare faced liars. We lived together and he managed (at least for a while) to fool me, you only see your partner at weekends. I'd be worried.

Floxxie

meer53 wrote: »

I was married for over 20 years to a man who treated me like a princess, allowed me to go away on holiday with my friends, bought me expensive gifts, earned lots of money etc.

I trusted him implicitly, he worked away a lot, everyone says he was a very trustworthy person. Then i found out he had been having an affair, for 6 months. Well, thats what he told me when i found out anyway. We had lived together for 19 years. Been married for 17 of those years, had 2 children.

What you are saying OP about your partner, rings alarm bells for me. Some of the most charming and trustworthy people can also be bare faced liars. We lived together and he managed (at least for a while) to fool me, you only see your partner at weekends. I'd be worried.

I completely agree with this having been through it myself (and actually not being able to escape from the controlling, manipulative liar)

There should be a red flag where a person states that previous partner/s were abusive. Every man I have met since my husband has this story.
In my case I have been trying to divorce the narcissist I married for almost 3 years but in his world he has told everyone that I am the abuser and refuse to divorce him. I am now taking him to court to get the consent order and absolute sorted.

Tiddlywinks

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

That is exactly another point I was going to make. If he at least turns round to me and point blank says "Sorry, but I am never going to get a divorce" at least I know what I'm dealing with and I can make an informed choice about my future. But saying 'it will happen when it happens' doesn't give me the clarity I need to make my life choices :eek:

Explain to him exactly how you feel - if he still chooses to leave things unchanged then you have your answer... his lack of action will demonstrate how much your needs actually mean to him.

I personally think you may not be his priority - if you were, you wouldn't need to be here asking these questions.

Dunroamin

Apologies if this has already been suggested but I believe that it's not uncommon for some men not to bother getting a divorce specifically because it means that they aren't able to marry any future girlfriends.

Hope it's not true in this case.