Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Ophelia_10

Hi All

I find myself in a very frustrating situation and would appreciate some views and/or advice on what folks think I could do.

I met my partner on a dating site 3 and a half years ago, and after a rather slow start, we have developed a lovely relationship despite him living 95 miles away :eek: We get together most weekends and have a lovely time exploring new places and enjoying each other's company and love each other very much.

When I met him, he was (and still is) very honest and open about the fact that he was separated, but not divorced. I assumed as our relationship developed, the divorce would be the next stage. However, this did not happen and over the years, despite many discussions, it still has not happened :eek:

We have spoke about him relocating as we find the distance difficult at times, but I put my cards firmly on the table in January of this year and told him that I would not even discuss a relocation until he at least began the process of getting divorced ! - which I think is a reasonable request after being together for 3 and a half years (he has been separated since 2007 ! ). His stance was that when I commit / agree to him relocating, he would then sort out his divorce. My stance is that I will be happy for him to relocate, when he has sorted his divorce ! I explained that I could not discuss a future with someone who is already married (albeit only 'technically'). He seems to feel that the divorce can be sorted out anytime....but 'anytime' just does not happen. This upsets me very much and I find it disrespectful that I have explained how I feel about him still being married, but he still does not address this situation.

So....fast forward to now, and still nothing has been done regarding his divorce, even tho he acknowledges that he needs to 'sort it'

I know that his wife was very abusive towards him and he was badly affected, but he must realise that he still has to address this chapter of his life, no matter how difficult it is. I have told him I will support him through it etc. and I acknowledge how difficult it will be.

My current thoughts are that we have another talk about it and my intention is to state that I do not want to still be 'asking' him to address this in 2014 :eek: So, if it hasn't happened by then, I will have to seriously consider if there is a future for us at all

However, I'm concerned that this will be taken as a 'threat' and that I am being controlling and forcing him into doing this. Which, I guess I am....but I don't know what else to do and I'm so frustrated that we can't even discuss our future until this is sorted.

I'm not saying that I definitely want to get married in the future, but I would like to know that the man I am with is indeed free to marry me, should our relationship develop that far. At the moment, I just feel that our relationship is at a standstill and we can't move forward

BTW - he has no kids, but is entitled to half of the house/equity of house that they both lived in as it was a joint mortgage and is paid off now.

Has anyone else been in this position and found a solution? Do I sound too threatening and controlling ?

Thanks in advance for any input/advice/views - it will be appreciated

Gloomendoom

Yes.

What you need to do is fix up your partner's ex with Mr Right. You will be surprised how fast divorce proceedings can move.

heretolearn_2

It seems you are both saying 'do this to prove something to me, then I'll do that'. So I suspect there's something else under the surface here. I can see your point, but I don't see why he would avoid getting divorced. Can you talk to him about why he feels the way he does, and explain your position as to why it matters to you? He's the one avoiding taking a natural action though, so his is the position that needs justifying really, it's not even-stevens.

Having said that, me and ex-husband didn't bother to get divorced for years, and we were both in relationships (living with people). We only did it when he wanted to marry his long term live-in partner. It just wasn't important to us. I'm sure that sounds weird, but to some extent marriage as opposed to living together was just a piece of paper to us when we married (for practical reasons, we'd have just lived together forever otherwise) so it didn't seem too important to wipe out that 'piece of paper'. Our partners had no bothers over it either, obviously until they decided to marry (don't know why, not my business).

Maybe he has other reasons for not wanting to get into it right now. Maybe he just thinks it's going to be a PITA because of his ex. So is putting it off until it really has to happen.

But that's not very fair on you.

SavingPennies_2

I can understand your point of view but not his. Why would he say he will start divorce proceedings once you discuss the relocation? Theyve been seperated 6 years! Surely he wants to get divorced regardless of the relocation! At the risk of making a rash and uninformed judgement....he either still holds a hope of getting back together OR he's scared of her OR scared of his own feeling that may arise when the divorce brings things up again. I assume shes still living in the house he is entitled to half of...without children?!...

Edit. Its not clear on rereading if she is living in the house my apologies, but regardless, no children involved, no motgage, surely he wants his half?

LannieDuck

I agree with your position on this. If the 'the divorce can be sorted out anytime'... why hasn't it been?

It does sound as if there's more to his reluctance than we know about.

Thegirl

If I were in your position I would not be moving in with him. Until he has divorced and sorted out the consent order he and his wife have an equal claim on each other financially. Should he win the lottery, half is hers. If he is not going to start the process (and the divorce is the easy part since they have been apart over five years she cannot even contest it - the consent order, or financial bit, might smart a little) that would be a no for me.

From his perspective this may be very painful for him to deal with or it may even be as simple as he doesn't think about it so doesn't understand why you do. Only he really knows why he's not doing anything about this.

I think you need to make your mind up as to what you want to happen. If you will not move in with him until he's divorced, then that's the line you draw and you tell him. If it's that he's not started divorce procedings by the end of the year, then that is the line and you tell him. BUT, you have to be sure of what you will do or what you want at the end of this. An 'I will seriously consider not being in a relationship with you anymore' type statement is not a threat. It's as vague promise to think about things.

Shoe on the other foot, I am sure being nagged* to do something you don't want to do or perhaps even think about is not nice. But, he does know this bothers you. Part of him may see this as none of your business, it was his marriage and his mess to sort out. You're not wrong to feel disrespected, I think he's being selfish.

*I don't mean that in a derogatory way, simply that being asked to do anything we don't want to do feels like nagging.

I hope my views don't offend, a sounding board is what I think you were after and that is my take on things.

Good luck.

Ophelia_10

heretolearn wrote: »

It seems you are both saying 'do this to prove something to me, then I'll do that'. So I suspect there's something else under the surface here. I can see your point, but I don't see why he would avoid getting divorced. Can you talk to him about why he feels the way he does, and explain your position as to why it matters to you? He's the one avoiding taking a natural action though, so his is the position that needs justifying really, it's not even-stevens.

Having said that, me and ex-husband didn't bother to get divorced for years, and we were both in relationships (living with people). We only did it when he wanted to marry his long term live-in partner. It just wasn't important to us. I'm sure that sounds weird, but to some extent marriage as opposed to living together was just a piece of paper to us when we married (for practical reasons, we'd have just lived together forever otherwise) so it didn't seem too important to wipe out that 'piece of paper'. Our partners had no bothers over it either, obviously until they decided to marry (don't know why, not my business).

Maybe he has other reasons for not wanting to get into it right now. Maybe he just thinks it's going to be a PITA because of his ex. So is putting it off until it really has to happen.

But that's not very fair on you.

Thanks Heretolearn, that was interesting to read. I think I just find it almost 'embarrassing' that I am going out with a married man - which is how I see it, but he doesn't. I do feel that it is him that is avoiding the natural action of divorce, but I see your point about us possibly wanting it in order to prove something. We have done a fair bit of talking about this issue, but no resolving. His view is just laid back and that it will get sorted eventually, which makes me mad because it won't get sorted until he does sort it ! I do feel he is being disrespectful in his failure to address this issue, when I have clearly explained how it makes me feel and I have been EXTREMELY patient and tried (probably too hard) not to 'nag' about this !

LannieDuck

In your position, I would feel it indicated that he wasn't serious about his relationship with me.

lowlitmemory

It's not just a piece of paper - if he is still technically married to her, there could be horrible consequences if you set up your lives together and he dies before divorcing her.

I would find it extremely disrespectful that he hasn't sorted this after you've asked him to, TBH. He is being selfish.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but tread carefully. Are you sure he's not still happily living together with her and told her he has a job elsewhere on weekends? Sorry, but stranger things have happened! Have you met his friends and family?

Ophelia_10

SavingPennies wrote: »

I can understand your point of view but not his. Why would he say he will start divorce proceedings once you discuss the relocation? Theyve been seperated 6 years! Surely he wants to get divorced regardless of the relocation! At the risk of making a rash and uninformed judgement....he either still holds a hope of getting back together OR he's scared of her OR scared of his own feeling that may arise when the divorce brings things up again. I assume shes still living in the house he is entitled to half of...without children?!...

Edit. Its not clear on rereading if she is living in the house my apologies, but regardless, no children involved, no motgage, surely he wants his half?

Thanks SavingPennies. He is certainly fearful of her, as she was very abusive towards him and I understand his reluctance to poke the hornets nest, as it were, hence my patience of the last 3 and a half years, but I am starting to get very frustrated about this as I see it as a barrier to us moving forward in our relationship.

She is indeed living in the house and you would indeed assume he would want his half wouldn't you ! He says he doesn't want to force her out of the house

I really am not worried about him hankering after them getting back together - I'm 100% certain that is not the issue

RAS

Of more relevence is that after 7 years if she wants to sell and cannot "locate" him, she can get an order to sell and may end up with the lot.

There was a case on the housing forum recently where the ex had gone to Ireland and the ex wife had sold the house without his consent.