Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Ophelia_10

Thegirl wrote: »

If I were in your position I would not be moving in with him. Until he has divorced and sorted out the consent order he and his wife have an equal claim on each other financially. Should he win the lottery, half is hers. If he is not going to start the process (and the divorce is the easy part since they have been apart over five years she cannot even contest it - the consent order, or financial bit, might smart a little) that would be a no for me.

From his perspective this may be very painful for him to deal with or it may even be as simple as he doesn't think about it so doesn't understand why you do. Only he really knows why he's not doing anything about this.

I think you need to make your mind up as to what you want to happen. If you will not move in with him until he's divorced, then that's the line you draw and you tell him. If it's that he's not started divorce procedings by the end of the year, then that is the line and you tell him. BUT, you have to be sure of what you will do or what you want at the end of this. An 'I will seriously consider not being in a relationship with you anymore' type statement is not a threat. It's as vague promise to think about things.

Shoe on the other foot, I am sure being nagged* to do something you don't want to do or perhaps even think about is not nice. But, he does know this bothers you. Part of him may see this as none of your business, it was his marriage and his mess to sort out. You're not wrong to feel disrespected, I think he's being selfish.

*I don't mean that in a derogatory way, simply that being asked to do anything we don't want to do feels like nagging.

I hope my views don't offend, a sounding board is what I think you were after and that is my take on things.

Good luck.

Thanks Thegirl - that is an excellent post :T and is my position exactly i.e. - I refuse to even discuss moving in together until this is sorted....but it never gets sorted, and so we are not able to take the next step in our relationship ! so frustrating !

I also fully understand all the financial implications and have pointed this out to him too, but still to no avail

A really good point about me being sure about what I want to happen and thank you for the reassurance about it not being a threat as such.

No offence taken at all - I'm very grateful for all views and your's was spot on

InsideInsurance

Another chap that works with our client separated from his wife about 15 years ago. 10 years ago he got together with another woman. 5 years ago they started fertility treatment. 8 months ago after their second round of IVF she fell pregnant.

He is still is married to his ex.

With them, the reason for the delay was a dispute on the valuation on a number of the marital assists and not wanting to sell the marital home in the depressed market.

In his case, the one thing that did trigger him to file for divorce was at the Xmas party this year when someone commented his "girlfriend" was pregnant with twins and his boss pointed out that it wasnt his girlfriend but his mistress as he is still married.

He joked off the comment at the time but it would appear his "girlfriend" didnt find it so funny and a few days later he was asking about how to fill in the divorce papers.

From your story however I dont understand why you want the divorce before the relocation.

tayforth

I am also at a loss to understand why he hasn't divorced her yet. They've been separated for over 5 years, so he can divorce her without her consent. If she was abusive, I can't see him having any feelings towards her, but perhaps he's afraid of starting divorce proceedings in case she turns nasty. He might be afraid of reliving the negative feelings that he had when they were married; it may be upsetting him.

But nobody is going to do it for him. If he wants a divorce, he'll have to get the ball rolling himself. Also, doesn't he want his share of the equity in the house?

Regarding your ultimatums towards each other, I think that some honest communication is needed. He probably thinks that he's going to be making the bigger sacrifice by relocating. You need to explain that you love him and want to be with him, but you are struggling to understand the reasons behind his point of view.


Try to be understanding, and willing to compromise.


In your shoes, I would agree to him relocating (after all, he's the one who will be inconvenienced by this) and agree a date for him to start divorce proceedings. Then see what he does. If he upholds his side of the bargain, great. If not, then have a plan of action in mind.


You're right to be sensitive to his feelings and not push him too hard, especially in view of his ex's controlling behaviour. Because we can't control others, only ourselves. That means that you can't force him to get divorced. Nor do you want to, from what you've said. But you do have the right to decide either (1) to accept the situation, or (2) to say that it isn't working, and to walk away.

Ophelia_10

lowlitmemory wrote: »

It's not just a piece of paper - if he is still technically married to her, there could be horrible consequences if you set up your lives together and he dies before divorcing her.

I would find it extremely disrespectful that he hasn't sorted this after you've asked him to, TBH. He is being selfish.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but tread carefully. Are you sure he's not still happily living together with her and told her he has a job elsewhere on weekends? Sorry, but stranger things have happened! Have you met his friends and family?

Thanks lowlitmemory. I have been clear with him about the financial consequences of him not getting the divorce and that is why I will not be moving in with him and why we cannot move forward

I have no worries at all about him still living with her - I have stayed at his flat many, many times and met all his family etc. I am 100% confident that is not the situation, but I accept that stranger things have indeed happened lol

tayforth

By the way (and further to my post #14 above), what do you mean by him 'relocating'? If it means moving closer to you, fine. If it means moving IN with you, then no, I wouldn't allow that until he had at least started divorce proceedings.

You can't have your cake and eat it. He needs to know that.

Ophelia_10

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Another chap that works with our client separated from his wife about 15 years ago. 10 years ago he got together with another woman. 5 years ago they started fertility treatment. 8 months ago after their second round of IVF she fell pregnant.

He is still is married to his ex.

With them, the reason for the delay was a dispute on the valuation on a number of the marital assists and not wanting to sell the marital home in the depressed market.

In his case, the one thing that did trigger him to file for divorce was at the Xmas party this year when someone commented his "girlfriend" was pregnant with twins and his boss pointed out that it wasnt his girlfriend but his mistress as he is still married.

He joked off the comment at the time but it would appear his "girlfriend" didnt find it so funny and a few days later he was asking about how to fill in the divorce papers.

From your story however I dont understand why you want the divorce before the relocation.

lol - there have been a couple of occasions where I refer to 'her' as 'your wife' because that's what she is, but this never goes down well ! In his head, she is his 'ex' but not technically and not in my head at all !!

I want him to start the proceedings before relocation because, as others have said, there could be serious financial implications if we set up home together while he is still married and while she still has claim on any of his assets etc. I'm certainly not going to put myself in a position of risk regarding her claiming anything of mine/ours :eek:

marisco_2

After being in a relationship with someone for 3 1/2 years, it is a natural progression to think about how you wish to move forward together. I can understand you feeling a little perplexed about why your partner seems so reluctant to apply for a divorce and that you want to hold back on him relocating till this is addressed.

Issuing ultimatums to each other is not an effective way of approaching this situation though and could backfire. You both need to sit down and thoroughly talk this through, be wiling to really listen to each others views and perspectives and agree a way forward that you are both happy with. I hope you can work this out as it seems that all other areas of your life with him make you happy.

FBaby

Has he actually explained the reason why he is doing nothing about it? Is he implying that if he doesn't relocate, he won't bother to start the procedure? For how long?

If I were in your shoes, I would be anxious that there is more to it than meets the eye, even if it was just paranoia and therefore would expect him to provide the reassurance that there is nothing to read behind his lack of commitment to get divorced.

Ophelia_10

Thanks for your input tayforth:-

tayforth wrote: »

I am also at a loss to understand why he hasn't divorced her yet. They've been separated for over 5 years, so he can divorce get without her consent. If he was abusive, I can't see him having any feelings towards her, but perhaps hes afraid of starting divorce proceedings in case she turns nasty. He might be afraid of reliving the negative feelings that he had when they were married; it may be upsetting him.

I am sure it is all of the above tayforth - which is why I have been patient and attempted to be supportive, but however painful it will be, it still needs to be done.

But nobody is going to do it for him. If he wants a divirce, he'll have to get rhe ball rolling himself. Also, doesn't he want his share of the equity in the house?

[COLOR="rgb(46, 139, 87)"]You would think he would want his share of the house, but I think this is just tied in with his abusive experiences with her and him not wanting to poke the hornets nest, so to speak
[/COLOR]
Regarding your ultimatums towards each other, I think that some honest communication is needed. He probably thinks that he's going to be making the bigger sacrifice by relocating. You need to explain that you love him and want to be with him, but you are struggling to understand the reasons behind his point of view.

[COLOR="rgb(46, 139, 87)"]Agreed....and have done this ....but still, here we are......[/COLOR]

Try to be understanding, and willing to compromise.


In your shoes, I would agree to him relocating (after all, he's the one who will be inconvenienced by this) and agree a date for him to start divorce proceedings. Then see what he does. If he upholds his side of the bargain, great. If not, then have a plan of action in mind.

[COLOR="rgb(46, 139, 87)"]His 'relocating' is in terms of us sharing a property together.[/COLOR]

You're right to be sensitive to his feelings and not push him too hard, especially in view of his ex's controlling behaviour. Because we can't control others, only ourselves. That means that you can't force him to get divorced. Nor do you want to, from what you've said. But you do have the right to decide either (1) to accept the situation, or (2) to say that it isn't working, and to walk away. [COLOR="rgb(46, 139, 87)"]Thank you tayforth....that does indeed seem to be what it boils down to[/COLOR]

Ophelia_10

Sorry - no idea why my previous post came out like goobleygook !! :mad: