Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Frith

My ex boyfriend also refused to get divorced. I know for a while his ex wife was begging him to, even sending the papers (he refused to sign them).

He was still occasionally mentioning to me that he should "sort it out" - right up to the day he moved his ex-wife back in....

Ophelia_10

FBaby wrote: »

Has he actually explained the reason why he is doing nothing about it? Is he implying that if he doesn't relocate, he won't bother to start the procedure? For how long?

If I were in your shoes, I would be anxious that there is more to it than meets the eye, even if it was just paranoia and therefore would expect him to provide the reassurance that there is nothing to read behind his lack of commitment to get divorced.

He has only said that it will happen when it happens and said that he is reluctant to start the process as I haven't committed to us moving in together. I want to plan a future with a free man tho' and have tried to explain that to him, but we do seem to be stuck now.

I genuinely don't beleive there is anything sinister to it, other than him not wanting to upset the applecart, but that seems to be at the cost of upsetting me :eek:

Ophelia_10

Valli wrote: »

This.

IMO it's ultimatum time. You want, and deserve a commitment. He isn't free to make a commitment to you until he does get divorced; so you need to decide what you want from life with him (marriage, kids, whatever) and if him being divorced is step one he needs to take that step.

FWIW you, and he, both realise that, atm, his wife is his legal next of kin I trust? So if anything happened to him SHE would be able to make the decisions :eek:

I don't want marriage straight away, but things can change, and if I do want it in future, I would like him to be free enough to make that choice - even if he still chooses that he doesn't want marriage !

I realise perfectly well that his wife is his legal next of kin - which is another reason I feel upset ! - I have explained this to him also....again, to no avail so far......:eek:

meer53

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

He has only said that it will happen when it happens and said that he is reluctant to start the process as I haven't committed to us moving in together. I want to plan a future with a free man tho' and have tried to explain that to him, but we do seem to be stuck now.

I genuinely don't beleive there is anything sinister to it, other than him not wanting to upset the applecart, but that seems to be at the cost of upsetting me :eek:

This statement means it's stalemate then really. He won't commit until you agree to move in, you won't commit to move in until he agrees to the divorce.

One of you needs to make a decision. If it were me, i'd agree to moving in but keep all your finances separate until he is a free man.

Ophelia_10

ellie99 wrote: »

I'm afraid I have to agree with this post.

I was in a situation very like yours, we didn't find a solution, we ended up breaking up (although my ex told me for the first year that he was divorced, then changed his story to "separated")
My ex had huge commitment problems, and although he made all the right noises about relocating, he never followed through on any of his promises.

I recommend reading "Men who can't Love" by Steven Carter, it really opened my eyes to how commitment-phobic people behave.
Apologies if I've got him wrong, but it's something to think about.

BTW, do you only have *his* side of the story of how things were with his wife? Have his friends and family confirmed what he's told you? Although I met my ex's family, I realised too late that I had no idea if what he was telling me about his wife was true (and still don't to this day)>

Sorry to hear of your experience Ellie. The thing is, if I was laid back and didn't mind that he was already married etc, we would be sharing a place now, so I don't feel in my heart it is due to lack of committment. I'm just having a hard time getting him to realise how important this is to me and that it will be tough to stir the hornets nest - but it still has to be done ! - difficult or not !!

edited to add: I do only have his side of the story regarding his abusive marriage, but he really is the most honest, trustworthy person I have ever known and I can also see the evidence in the damage such a relationship has had on him. I have met his family but it's not something that would be appropriate to talk about really.

Ophelia_10

Errata wrote: »

People separate but don't divorce because it usefully prevents them from inadvertantly marrying someone else.
Both sides firing ultimatums at each other won't win any battle, nor the war, but the collateral damage may be significant.

You may be right about the reasons some people don't divorce Errata - although I really don't get the feel in my heart that that is the problem. I hear what you are saying about the ultimatums, but I'm genuinely stuck at what the next step is .............

Valli

In a way they are two separate issues.

He can divorce whether or not his relationship with you continues.

So why doesn't he?

But you're sensible not to set up home with him. In a worst case scenario you could buy a house together and, for some reason have his name only on the deeds and then, if he were to die intestate his wife would get the lot. Your home.
Even if both your names were on it she would be entitled to get half:eek:

ellie99

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

The thing is, if I was laid back and didn't mind that he was already married etc, we would be sharing a place now,

Are you SURE about that Ophelia?

He hasn't actually proved that yet, has he? Has he DONE anything to move the relocation forwards, not just said he would relocate?

Mojisola

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

He has only said that it will happen when it happens and said that he is reluctant to start the process as I haven't committed to us moving in together. I want to plan a future with a free man tho' and have tried to explain that to him, but we do seem to be stuck now.

"it will happen when it happens" - no, it will happen when he does something about it! The paperwork isn't going to magically get sorted out without his input.

I wouldn't move in with him before the divorce was finalised - not just started.

He can get divorced and it won't change anything about his life - he will still be living and working where he is and so will you.

You can't move in together without it changing your life. Why would you want to set up home with someone else's husband?

Where couples have come to a stalemate, it should be the one whose life is least impacted who gives way.

Errata

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

You may be right about the reasons some people don't divorce Errata - although I really don't get the feel in my heart that that is the problem. I hear what you are saying about the ultimatums, but I'm genuinely stuck at what the next step is .............

Rent a place in a location convenient to you both and live together, ensuring you have no financial links? I'm sure you know as well as I do that nobody ever fully gets to know another person until they live with them.