Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Errata

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I just feel if we do this then he will never get divorced and I will always feel second-best Why don't I deserve the option of being his life partner rather than second-best partner ?

I'm not saying that either one of us wants to get married but I strongly feel that our right to choose should be there ! I understand that he may well be afraid that is what I am looking for, but I wouldn't reassure him otherwise - as, although I don't feel I want marriage now, I may do in the future and I can't see why that option should be denied me. For him to be free, but choose to never marry me is fine, but for him to never be free and choose to either marry me or not, is not fine. Hope that makes sense

It's similar to some quote about freedom of speech, something like 'I might not like what you are saying, but I defend to the death your right to say it' ....I might not want marriage, but I defend to the death my 'right' to be offered it :-)

Y'know what? Don't tell me, tell him and this weekend won't be too soon. Cards on the table time.

CH27

Why don't you write him a letter stating exactly how you feel? It will give him time to reflect on what you've said before having to talk about it.

You've got stalemate at the moment & need to find a way to move forward.

Ophelia_10

Valli wrote: »

So you can be reasonably certain he is separated then...

TY

What you want, is for him to be free to marry you, if you both choose to do so. At the moment he isn't; it's almost like he's hedging his bets. I can quite see why you want this. Hope he comes round!

I am 100% certain he is separated Valli - I have no concerns on that score.

You have summed up exactly what I want - thank you lol :T

Btw - I love your signature and it's a philosophy that I try to live by too

Ophelia_10

CH27 wrote: »

Why don't you write him a letter stating exactly how you feel? It will give him time to reflect on what you've said before having to talk about it.

You've got stalemate at the moment & need to find a way to move forward.

The thing is, we have had a number of discussions and him not knowing how I feel is not the issue really - him acting on it is the problem :eek::)

Valli

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I am 100% certain he is separated Valli - I have no concerns on that score.

You have summed up exactly what I want - thank you lol :T

Btw - I love your signature and it's a philosophy that I try to live by too

you're welcome

BTW - do you mean my 'location' (left hand side) about the glad game? or my mottoes (below)?

CH27

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

The thing is, we have had a number of discussions and him not knowing how I feel is not the issue really - him acting on it is the problem :eek::)

When somebody doesn't want to listen they shut off. By changing your approach you may get through.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Ophelia_10

Errata wrote: »

Y'know what? Don't tell me, tell him and this weekend won't be too soon. Cards on the table time.

This is the problem tho - it was 'cards on the table' in January when we last discussed this properly (again). In my head, I had a time frame for him to take action by April - to have at least started the procedure. That hasn't happened, hence my plea for advice on here today That is why my next step was to inform him that I want this addressed by [insert suitable date] :-)

I guess one of the 'occupational hazards' of distance relationship is the fact that we don't get quite so much opportunity to really talk things through as we just want to enjoy being with each other, when we do get together A chat has to be on the cards this time, although due to his work, we only have one day together this time

Ophelia_10

Valli wrote: »

you're welcome

BTW - do you mean my 'location' (left hand side) about the glad game? or my mottoes (below)?

Both actually ! - they are right up my street :-)

FBaby

Something just doesn't ring right. Not sure what it is, but his behaviour just isn't logical.

He has only said that it will happen when it happens and said that he is reluctant to start the process as I haven't committed to us moving in together.

Getting divorced is about ending all ties to a past relationship, not starting a new one. We all know that and so does he. So why is he being so elusive and giving you no more explanation that the above?

Does this mean that he is happy to stay committed in some way with his wife if it means that you two can't be committed? Why? In the end, it is not normal or right that a man, in love with someone else, with whom he has been in a long term relationship, who wants to move to the next step AND whose partner is saying this can't happen unless he gets divorced, should show no intention to act on it. You've told him 5 months ago that these were the conditions. Even if it doesn't matter to him, it matters to you, so surely that should be enough for him to do something about it.

I really can't help but think that there is more to it than what he claims.

MrsDrink

It's not totally comparable, but MrD didn't see the point in getting married. We had a joint mortgage, we'd been together at the time for 10 years, he was committed to me, etc, etc, but it wasn't enough for me. I wanted the world to know I was his wife, and he is my husband. I wanted to be a proper part of each other's family's. And similar to your situation there is very little area to compromise. We either got married or we didn't. Your partner either gets a divorce or he doesn't. Neither are something you can half do. But, as I explained to MrD, the bit you can compromise on is the how. I explained that whilst I respected his desire to not get married, he should respect mine to get married. In the end we did marry (his acceptance of my 'proposal' were the words "I suppose we could look into it"). We had a fairly low key, no frills celebration, it was perfect really, just what we both wanted, but if I had to run off with two random people as witnesses just so I could become his wife I would have. The same is true for you and your partner. How he gets the divorce is the bit you can compromise on.

While he is filing for a divorce, could he rent somewhere closer to you? Could you rent somewhere together but be totally financially independent. Be like housemates?

I also think at the end of the day you have to ask yourself could you cope if he never gets a divorce. I never gave MrD an ultimatum. I never said he either marries me or we were over, because I loved him with all my heart (and still do) and I was (and am) happy with our relationship. The marriage was just the icing on the cake. I would have carried on being unmarried with him if that was what I had to do. But could you carry on being with him if he never gets the divorce? Would you want to be where you are now in 5, 10, 50 years time? Would you be happy doing what you are currently doing to your dying day? If not then something must give. And I would expect some pretty tight reasons as to why he SHOULDN'T get a divorce before I gave in on that.

(Hope I've explained myself lol this has taken me an age to write, I keep rephrasing everything!)