Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Dunroamin

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

This^^^^

I have been separated for 11 years. We sold the house, split the equity, and moved on. He has been living with his current partner for 10 years. Neither he nor I have any wish to marry again, but we have an agreement that if either of us does wish to remarry, then we will sort out a divorce.

Now that sounds all very cosy and amicable, and it is - because he lives at the other end of the country and because this is how HE wants it to be, and trust me he is not a pleasant man when he doesn't get his own way. It is just a happy coincidence that I will never want to marry again, so it also suits me.

I don't even consider myself married. I say I am single, because that is what I am although I am open with partners that I have never got round to getting divorced, and that I will rectify that if we ever decide to get married which is extremely unlikely.

Now I don't expect anyone to understand this, unless that is where they are, or have been there. I know other people who just want to get the divorce out of the way as soon as possible, and I know people who don't want the divorce because they still harbour hopes of getting back together with the ex. For me it is just that divorce is not necessary because I am already single and I have no wish to marry again.

But surely if you remain married, this unpleasant man still retains control over certain aspects of your life and you over his?

any_name_will_suffice

I have been with OH for five years, and he's only just this year started divorce proceedings, some 10 years or so since he and his wife separated.

If I'm honest, is hasn't really bothered me that much, as I know he is committed to me. My main concern would be that his wife would be considered his legal next of kin if, for example, he became incapacitated.

When he got married, he intended to be married for life, and although it didn't work out that way, I think he has always struggled with the concept of getting divorced.

tinkerbell28

I'm sorry but 3 1/2 year in and he is still married?

I wouldn't be 100% sure that you were not his "second life". Be it he was still married and the whole story is a work of fiction, OR he has met someone up there. On weekends he "goes home" or to do xyz.

He seems very reluctant to start a divorce, why? With no kids and straight 50-50 split. It is easy peasy.

He knows you won't have him down your way, if he doesn't start divorce proceedings, he won't until you agree, knowing you won't.

Perfect for him, if you ask me.

pops5588

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

He seems very reluctant to start a divorce, why? With no kids and straight 50-50 split. It is easy peasy.

Well if she is a volatile person she may try to make it very difficult for him, thus no longer rendering the situation "easy peasy".

However I still think that release will be worth it in the long run for him. Hindsight is always a wonderful thing.

tinkerbell28

pops5588 wrote: »

Well if she is a volatile person she may try to make it very difficult for him, thus no longer rendering the situation "easy peasy".

However I still think that release will be worth it in the long run for him. Hindsight is always a wonderful thing.

Op only has his side of the story though doesn't she? Probably what he has told friends and family also.

A long distance relationship for nearly 4 years? With no urge to sort out his divorce or relocate?

Nah, I don't buy that. He obviously just is not that into op, OR, she doesn't have the full story. So she is his weekend mistress. Happens quite a lot, especially with online dating.

He has it rather easy right now doesn't he? Op on tap every weekend for nearly 4 years and he goes home and does whatever in the week....

zzzLazyDaisy

Dunroamin wrote: »

But surely if you remain married, this unpleasant man still retains control over certain aspects of your life and you over his?

The only 'control' he has over my life is that I am unable to remarry. Which I could change in a heart-beat if I wished, with or without his consent, as we have been separated more than 5 years, so hardly an effective form of control. We have no other links or connections, so it makes no difference.

What would worry me much more would be a new partner giving me an ultimatum to 'get a divorce or else' and threatening to end the relationship if I did not comply with his demands. That would signal alarm bells about controlling behaviour.

Horses for courses. I am happy with my singledom and don't wish to change it. I am simply posting my views on this thread as it might throw some light on OP's situation. I accept that you and others may see things differently, but that has no effect on me, or how I wish to live my life.

zzzLazyDaisy

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

A long distance relationship for nearly 4 years? With no urge to sort out his divorce or relocate?..

Actually, OP has said that HE wishes to relocate - it is OP who is saying that he must sort out the divorce before she is willing to consider this.

Georgiegirl256

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

The only 'control' he has over my life is that I am unable to remarry. Which I could change in a heart-beat if I wished, with or without his consent, as we have been separated more than 5 years, so hardly an effective form of control. We have no other links or connections, so it makes no difference.

What would worry me much more would be a new partner giving me an ultimatum to 'get a divorce or else' and threatening to end the relationship if I did not comply with his demands. That would signal alarm bells about controlling behaviour.

Horses for courses. I am happy with my singledom and don't wish to change it. I am simply posting my views on this thread as it might throw some light on OP's situation. I accept that you and others may see things differently, but that has no effect on me, or how I wish to live my life.

Just curious, but is he still classed as your next of kin and vice versa? Or does that not apply anymore because you've been separated for so long. Just wondering that's all, it's just a thought that popped into my head!

tinkerbell28

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Actually, OP has said that HE wishes to relocate - it is OP who is saying that he must sort out the divorce before she is willing to consider this.

Really? From what I can see they have both discussed it, not one person.

He has said he will only start divorce proceeding after relocation. KNOWING op's stance is that he has to start before hand. Convenient status quo for him.

tinkerbell28

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Just curious, but is he still classed as your next of kin and vice versa? Or does that not apply anymore because you've been separated for so long. Just wondering that's all, it's just a thought that popped into my head!

She would be legally. You only have to look at the mess that happened with Lee Rigby and his poor family.

He had a new fiancee, so a new serious relationship. If they were together 10 years or 10 months. Makes no odds. The wife, is the wife. The legal next of kin, the one the Army officially deal with, the one who gets the money, the pension, the war widows pension. The whole lot. The fiancee won't be involved in any of the arrangements.

A little old certificate has so much power and estranged or not, still leaves you open as next of kin and contesting, even if the will states different. Who is to say you were not reconciling behing the scenes, etc, etc.