Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Georgiegirl256

Dunroamin wrote: »

Apologies if this has already been suggested but I believe that it's not uncommon for some men not to bother getting a divorce specifically because it means that they aren't able to marry any future girlfriends.

Hope it's not true in this case.

That's what it sounds like to me too.

OP have you made it clear to him that you're not wanting to drag him down the aisle the moment the ink is dry on his divorce papers....because maybe that's one reason why he doesn't want to do it. Maybe not, but you never know what goes through men's minds sometimes!

Also, IMO, if my ex partner was abusive towards me, you wouldn't have to tell me twice, I'd be down to those divorce courts so fast, I'd just want rid, so I really don't know what's stopping him, surely he wants to move on from his ex wife, and be free to start a fresh? Or, maybe not....

Errata

Dunroamin wrote: »

Apologies if this has already been suggested but I believe that it's not uncommon for some men not to bother getting a divorce specifically because it means that they aren't able to marry any future girlfriends.

Hope it's not true in this case.

I did mention that and of course it equally applies to women. Every action has a reaction
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4650115

tayforth

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

That's what it sounds like to me too.

OP have you made it clear to him that you're not wanting to drag him down the aisle the moment the ink is dry on his divorce papers....because maybe that's one reason why he doesn't want to do it. Maybe not, but you never know what goes through men's minds sometimes!

Also, IMO, if my ex partner was abusive towards me, you wouldn't have to tell me twice, I'd be down to those divorce courts so fast, I'd just want rid, so I really don't know what's stopping him, surely he wants to move on from his ex wife, and be free to start a fresh? Or, maybe not....

This is definitely the case with me.

Mad-Frog

Can I give another side?

My OH is already divorced, he however does not know where his divorce papers are, we have been together 13 years, it used to matter to me getting married but the older I am the less it matters

However if I wanted to marry him he would (interpret that I would!) get his papers so we could

OP if it matters to you it should him in my opinion

Georgiegirl256

tayforth wrote: »

This is definitely the case with me.

I've read bits of your thread, and it's very inspiring to anyone in a similar position! Well done on making the break and all the best for your fresh start!

pops5588

You see the problem for me, Ophelia, is that it's the reactions of people like tayforth and Floxxie that ring true to me. And it was the same for my mother.

She too was in a very emotionally abusive marriage.With a bit of time (a few months away from my father after he had an affair) she gained a lot of her strength back, enough to know that she wanted OUT through whatever means possible. It took years but she fought and fought because she wanted that freedom. And the man terrified her! Doesn't he want that?

It doesn't make sense to me that anyone having been in an abusive marriage wouldn't want to sever all ties after a period of time. I don't buy the idea of him not wanting to prod the hornet's nest either, he has you!! If he were single I would get it, but he knows that he has proper emotional support behind him now. She may be an abusive wife but she can't touch him now, emotionally or otherwise. Can he see that?

I don't want to upset you because you sound like a lovely, patient and reasonable person. But I don't get it. As FBaby said, it doesn't ring right.

monty-doggy

I'm sure this has been covered but you only see him at weekends, have you ever turned up midweek to surprise him? I'd be wanting to know 100% there wasn't someone else.

smartpicture

If you would like a view from someone on the other side of the equation...

I am still 'married', despite being separated for 15 years. I love my ex like a brother, we are both happy with that and there is no desire at all from either of us to get back together. He is part of my family and in fact sees more of my mum than I do. The main reason we didn't divorce at the time was because it would upset his Irish Catholic family, who I thought the world of.

I have had other relationships, including one that lasted 4 years who I lived with. Some of them were obviously unhappy with my still being 'married'. With less serious ones, I considered it was none of their business. In a more serious relationship, I didn't want to get married again and this was a welcome barrier to that. Bottom line, if it came to a choice of upsetting my 'family' or my new boyfriend, my family was more important to me.

The difference is I was always honest about where they stood. What you need here is not more 'explaining how I feel' or 'issuing ultimatums' conversations. What you need here is digging deeper into what he feels, and what's really behind his stance - because he already knows all the good reasons for getting divorced that are weighing on one side of the scales, so there has to be something pretty hefty to outweigh that on the other side.

Dunroamin

smartpicture wrote: »

If you would like a view from someone on the other side of the equation...

I am still 'married', despite being separated for 15 years. I love my ex like a brother, we are both happy with that and there is no desire at all from either of us to get back together. He is part of my family and in fact sees more of my mum than I do. The main reason we didn't divorce at the time was because it would upset his Irish Catholic family, who I thought the world of.

I have had other relationships, including one that lasted 4 years who I lived with. Some of them were obviously unhappy with my still being 'married'. With less serious ones, I considered it was none of their business. In a more serious relationship, I didn't want to get married again and this was a welcome barrier to that. Bottom line, if it came to a choice of upsetting my 'family' or my new boyfriend, my family was more important to me.

The difference is I was always honest about where they stood. What you need here is not more 'explaining how I feel' or 'issuing ultimatums' conversations. What you need here is digging deeper into what he feels, and what's really behind his stance - because he already knows all the good reasons for getting divorced that are weighing on one side of the scales, so there has to be something pretty hefty to outweigh that on the other side.

Unfortunately, however much you put inverted commas around it, without a divorce, married is married.

zzzLazyDaisy

Errata wrote: »

People separate but don't divorce because it usefully prevents them from inadvertantly marrying someone else.
Both sides firing ultimatums at each other won't win any battle, nor the war, but the collateral damage may be significant.

This^^^^

I have been separated for 11 years. We sold the house, split the equity, and moved on. He has been living with his current partner for 10 years. Neither he nor I have any wish to marry again, but we have an agreement that if either of us does wish to remarry, then we will sort out a divorce.

Now that sounds all very cosy and amicable, and it is - because he lives at the other end of the country and because this is how HE wants it to be, and trust me he is not a pleasant man when he doesn't get his own way. It is just a happy coincidence that I will never want to marry again, so it also suits me.

I don't even consider myself married. I say I am single, because that is what I am although I am open with partners that I have never got round to getting divorced, and that I will rectify that if we ever decide to get married which is extremely unlikely.

Now I don't expect anyone to understand this, unless that is where they are, or have been there. I know other people who just want to get the divorce out of the way as soon as possible, and I know people who don't want the divorce because they still harbour hopes of getting back together with the ex. For me it is just that divorce is not necessary because I am already single and I have no wish to marry again.