Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Valli

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I agree.

He doesn't want to get divorced because he has the perfect excuse not to commit to you. He knows you'll ramp up the pressure once he's free. He doesn't want to 'move forward', he wants to keep things as they are until he's assessed all his options.

This.

IMO it's ultimatum time. You want, and deserve a commitment. He isn't free to make a commitment to you until he does get divorced; so you need to decide what you want from life with him (marriage, kids, whatever) and if him being divorced is step one he needs to take that step.

FWIW you, and he, both realise that, atm, his wife is his legal next of kin I trust? So if anything happened to him SHE would be able to make the decisions :eek:

ellie99

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I agree.

He doesn't want to get divorced because he has the perfect excuse not to commit to you. He knows you'll ramp up the pressure once he's free. He doesn't want to 'move forward', he wants to keep things as they are until he's assessed all his options.

I'm afraid I have to agree with this post.

I was in a situation very like yours, we didn't find a solution, we ended up breaking up (although my ex told me for the first year that he was divorced, then changed his story to "separated")
My ex had huge commitment problems, and although he made all the right noises about relocating, he never followed through on any of his promises.

I recommend reading "Men who can't Love" by Steven Carter, it really opened my eyes to how commitment-phobic people behave.
Apologies if I've got him wrong, but it's something to think about.

BTW, do you only have *his* side of the story of how things were with his wife? Have his friends and family confirmed what he's told you? Although I met my ex's family, I realised too late that I had no idea if what he was telling me about his wife was true (and still don't to this day)>

meer53

My ex and i are still married, we've been separated since 2003. We got as far as decree nisi, then my ex decided he didn't want to complete the Form E to disclose all his financial affairs. My solicitor advised me not to request the decree absolute until this was sorted out. So thats where we are today.

His relationship with the slapper he left me for ended, i'm still on my own. And very happy.

Last year he signed over the house to me and i have remortgaged in my sole name, he doesn't pay me any maintenance now but he did until 18 months ago when he lost his job. To be honest, unless either of us meets anyone else and wants to get married again (it's a big fat NO from me !) then things can stay as they are for me. If i had pushed for the decree absolute, it would have cost me another £5k in solicitors fees and i felt that he just wasn't worth it. I'm free from him financially and don't need his money now.

I do agree that the OP should be very careful before committing to any financial situation with her partner, how she will do it, i have no idea. It sounds as though he's scared.

Errata

People separate but don't divorce because it usefully prevents them from inadvertantly marrying someone else.
Both sides firing ultimatums at each other won't win any battle, nor the war, but the collateral damage may be significant.

DevilsAdvocate1

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Thanks lowlitmemory. I have been clear with him about the financial consequences of him not getting the divorce and that is why I will not be moving in with him and why we cannot move forward

I have no worries at all about him still living with her - I have stayed at his flat many, many times and met all his family etc. I am 100% confident that is not the situation, but I accept that stranger things have indeed happened lol

I know two people that has happened to. One was the wife who thought her husband was working away. He even had a baby with the woman he lived with during the week.

The other was a women who thought her partner was divorced. However, he often worked nights..... Again she had a baby with him. When her son was 4, her partner's wife turned up at the door and caused a scene. Turned out her partner and his wife had a daughter a similar age to my friend's son.

Tiddlywinks

Bottom line?

If he cared enough to want to share a life with you then he would be motivated to find a way to do it.

His lack of action speaks louder than any words could.

He shouldn't need an ultimatum or gentle nudging... he's an adult. He has a choice and he is choosing to live apart from you.

Sorry, to be blunt... if he wanted the same things as you then he would have done something about it by now.

Pee

There has to be room here for a compromise. Could you discuss and plan relocation whilst he aplies for his decree nisi and actually move whilst the financial side is being sorted?

Do you want to get married in the future, if so you need to be honest but if not it may be helpful for him to know that this isn't the reason it feels so important to you.

I have a friend who has been seperated for years and never bothered to divorce. He doesn't have a partner/ girlfriend so it's not a big deal and he doesn't hate his wife. They also made the financial split years ago. He was a bit surprised to know she would inherit his estate, but that actually suits better than his cousins inheriting.

Another friend is going out with a married (and separated) lady who won't get divorced. I am sure she thinks she is being clever for financial reasons but I am equally sure that her "husband" thinks the same.

Another of my friends took years to get a divorce, although he was quite young and scared of the process.

There are lots of reasons why a fully grown man might be nervous about divorce, both the financial settlement and the legal process. Have you been through a divorce? Has someone else you know? It might be reassuring to know it is quite straightforward.

Tiddlywinks

Pee wrote: »

There are lots of reasons why a fully grown man might be nervous about divorce, both the financial settlement and the legal process.

Oh come on... if he really wanted it badly enough then he'd face the demon! He's just bobbing along because he can.

Errata

Maybe he's bobbing along because he thinks if he gets divorced the next discussion will be about marriage.

Bennifred

I wonder what he'd say if you asked him to marry you?

Great minds, Errata!