Partner still not divorced, 3 and half years into our relationship !

Valli

Just out of interest Ophelia, you say, in your OP, that you 'get together most weekends'.

Where?

Does he travel to yours?

Do you travel to his?

Ophelia_10

meer53 wrote: »

This statement means it's stalemate then really. He won't commit until you agree to move in, you won't commit to move in until he agrees to the divorce.

One of you needs to make a decision. If it were me, i'd agree to moving in but keep all your finances separate until he is a free man.

I guess this is an option, but I would be worried that once we were living together, he would be even less likely to divorce :eek: and I don't like the way that makes me feel. I deserve the option of being his wife at some point, whether I take up that option or not

Errata

His divorce doesn't automatically mean he'll propose, or accept your proposal if you do the asking.
Have you considered the reason he's hanging fire on the divorce may be because you're giving him subconscious messages that you want marriage?

ellie99

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

edited to add: I do only have his side of the story regarding his abusive marriage, but he really is the most honest, trustworthy person I have ever known and I can also see the evidence in the damage such a relationship has had on him.

I could have written this...I didn't know then that he could have won medals for lying, I think he actually believed himself!

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I guess this is an option, but I would be worried that once we were living together, he would be even less likely to divorce :eek: and I don't like the way that makes me feel.

Listen to your gut Ophelia, if you don't feel good about what's happening, then something's wrong in your relationship.
I'm sorry I've no answers for you, and I'm not saying your OH is lying, but he's not taking your feelings into account. He's not showing he will commit to you, maybe he's happy to just share weekends?

Ophelia_10

Mojisola wrote: »

"it will happen when it happens" - no, it will happen when he does something about it! The paperwork isn't going to magically get sorted out without his input.

I wouldn't move in with him before the divorce was finalised - not just started.

He can get divorced and it won't change anything about his life - he will still be living and working where he is and so will you.

You can't move in together without it changing your life. Why would you want to set up home with someone else's husband?

Where couples have come to a stalemate, it should be the one whose life is least impacted who gives way.

This had been my stance Mojisola - I do agree that it should be the one whose life is least impacted who gives way....but what it they won't ? - we are just stuck forever it seems

CH27

Your gut instinct is telling you something isn't right. Listen to it.

Ophelia_10

Errata wrote: »

Rent a place in a location convenient to you both and live together, ensuring you have no financial links? I'm sure you know as well as I do that nobody ever fully gets to know another person until they live with them.

I just feel if we do this then he will never get divorced and I will always feel second-best Why don't I deserve the option of being his life partner rather than second-best partner ?

I'm not saying that either one of us wants to get married but I strongly feel that our right to choose should be there ! I understand that he may well be afraid that is what I am looking for, but I wouldn't reassure him otherwise - as, although I don't feel I want marriage now, I may do in the future and I can't see why that option should be denied me. For him to be free, but choose to never marry me is fine, but for him to never be free and choose to either marry me or not, is not fine. Hope that makes sense

It's similar to some quote about freedom of speech, something like 'I might not like what you are saying, but I defend to the death your right to say it' ....I might not want marriage, but I defend to the death my 'right' to be offered it :-)

Ophelia_10

Valli wrote: »

Just out of interest Ophelia, you say, in your OP, that you 'get together most weekends'.

Where?

Does he travel to yours?

Do you travel to his?

We do both Valli - I spend time at his, he spends time at mine and we do a few weekend breaks in different places too

Valli

So you can be reasonably certain he is separated then...

TY

What you want, is for him to be free to marry you, if you both choose to do so. At the moment he isn't; it's almost like he's hedging his bets. I can quite see why you want this. Hope he comes round!

Ophelia_10

ellie99 wrote: »

I could have written this...I didn't know then that he could have won medals for lying, I think he actually believed himself!



Listen to your gut Ophelia, if you don't feel good about what's happening, then something's wrong in your relationship.
I'm sorry I've no answers for you, and I'm not saying your OH is lying, but he's not taking your feelings into account. He's not showing he will commit to you, maybe he's happy to just share weekends?

The problem is, the rest of the relationship is lovely - he treats me like a princess and is supportive, kind, loving, thoughtful etc. If anything, he is the one that struggles the most with the distance. I have a wider circle of friends and family and I cope well with the distance, but he struggles ....but that is what makes me cross, 'cos if he struggles so much with being apart - why doesn't he put the plans in place for us to move forward in the relationship :mad: