Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

duckeggblue

pukkamum wrote: »

This is exactly the case for my dh, he doesn't even enjoy alchohol anymore because he worries about the consequences and if he loses control.

The last time he had a proper boozy night out 18mths ago with 3 yrs before that, he was home dead early slightly tipsy, and said he didn't want to do it again.

We have discussed his problem with alchohol extensively and we came to the conclusion that his main problem was drinking strong lager, stella artois is like poison to him, and drinking too fast, partly his shyness making him drink quicker so he felt more confident.
Drinking fast meant he got drunk so quickly he didn't hit the, oh oh I've drunk too much should stop, point shilst sober enough to act on it.

There was also the immature, I'm not doing what she tells me, thoughts when I would try and get him to slow down.
I must admit I was a bit of an enabler, calming situations down when he got lairy, cleaning up vomit, making excuses for him etc. I soon realised that had to stop and this was one of the factors too I think in him stopping drinking.
Oh and he liked the, out of control, unihibited feeling he got when drunk.

I hope it works out for the op.

I just read the autobiography of a rock star. He said he was always thinking that when he sorted out his life, he would then sort out his drinking.

He said he eventually realised it would be a lot simpler to do it the other way round.

paulineb_2

gt568 wrote: »

Jeez aren't people allowed to have fun and cut loose once in a while anymore...?

With respect. This comment has nothing positive to add to the discussion. Theres a lot more going on in this scenario than someone cutting loose and having fun.

And its not because you have an opposite opinion that makes me think that was a troll post, its the content of the post itself.

I dont imagine being called a c**t is much fun, nor is being verbally abused, nor is worrying about whether someone is going to end up in the cells or dead in a ditch somewhere.

His drinking may only happen a few times a year but his behaviour is risky and its causing the OP distress.

paulineb_2

Mrsstupid wrote: »

Hello

Regular poster here using a temporary username in the hope of getting some honest and independent advice please. Feeling really stupid, confused and conflicted and hope someone can help.

I've been with my husband for 5 years and we've been married for 6 months. He has a great job, works really hard and is good with money and generally we are really happy. However, he has what I would call an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. This is not too surprising given that both his parents were alcoholics. Fortunately, he doesn't drink often, but when he does he literally does not know when to stop and ends up not knowing who is he, where he is etc. This has always bothered me because I don't feel that it's safe to get that drunk.

Since we've been together he's ended up in a ditch in the freezing snow in only a t shirt, he's called me a c*nt and he's ended up in a taxi being unable to give the taxi driver his address and numerous other dangerous and stupid scenarios. He thinks I'm being a party pooper because I try to tell him not to drink and I don't like it when he's going out because every single time he goes out something bad happens.

Last year, I was working overseas and I received a one line email telling me that he had been in an accident and been arrested for drink driving. Obviously my mind went into overdrive and I had visions of him killing someone etc. I then couldn't get hold of anyone back at home to find out what was going on. Fortunately, he was very very lucky and hadn't hurt anyone else and was not charged for drink driving (he was way over the limit but got off on a technicality).

In a way I was pleased that this had happened because it seemed like a real wake up call and he appeared to have changed his attitude to drinking and agreed that he did have a problem. I have emails from him acknowledging his problem and agreeing that I was right and he shouldn't drink as he cannot control it. I called off our wedding over the drink driving, but because he promised me he'd change and I really believed that he meant it, we did get married in the end. Now I feel really stupid to have believed him.

Roll forward 6 months and he's back to drinking again. I've shown him all the emails he wrote over the drink driving and he just doesn't seem to care. I feel like he tricked me into marrying him and explained this to him but he said he did genuinely mean what he wrote in those emails at the time. Now his solution is just not to take car keys out with him but this doesn't stop all the other dangerous scenarios he gets into.

He's out tonight 50 miles away. He's missed the last train home and I spoke to him at 10pm and he had no idea where he was. Obviously I'm stupidly worried but there is nothing I can do so I'm trying not to think about it. I feel hurt that he thinks its ok to let me get so worried about him. I also feel like his gambling with our life as he will lose his job/career if he gets any criminal charge and he has already been arrested 3 times (that I know about) because of his drinking.

Anyway, what I was hoping for is some advice please. I don't think he will ever change, should I just accept that he's going to do this and try not to worry about him? The other part of me feels like this is such a betrayal because i married him on the condition that he stopped drinking unless he was at home or with me (i have that in an email) so maybe I should divorce him. The thing that upsets me is that he knows how upset I get about his drinking yet he doesn't care. I know that he would choose alcohol over me.

I don't know what to do because I can't get him 'help' as he doesn't see this as a problem. Maybe it's me? Would other people be upset if their partner behaved like this?

Sorry for the long post!! Thanks for any advice anyone can give.

Cutting loose and having some fun eh?

gt568

paulineb wrote: »

Cutting loose and having some fun eh?

Meh. Apart from the drink driving, yep. People get p1ssed and do silly things all the time.

gt568

paulineb wrote: »

With respect. This comment has nothing positive to add to the discussion. Theres a lot more going on in this scenario than someone cutting loose and having fun.

And its not because you have an opposite opinion that makes me think that was a troll post, its the content of the post itself.

I dont imagine being called a c**t is much fun, nor is being verbally abused, nor is worrying about whether someone is going to end up in the cells or dead in a ditch somewhere.

His drinking may only happen a few times a year but his behaviour is risky and its causing the OP distress.

Two sides to every story and we are only getting one. I suspect, if the story is 100% accurate (which it won't be), that his drinking is in rebellion to her possible controlling nature.

The willingness of some posters to blindly accept as truth what some write on the internet is pretty scary at times.

Georgiegirl256

gt568 wrote: »

Two sides to every story and we are only getting one. I suspect, if the story is 100% accurate (which it won't be), that his drinking is in rebellion to her possible controlling nature.

The willingness of some posters to blindly accept as truth what some write on the internet is pretty scary at times.

What gives you the impression that the OH might be controlling? Even if she was (but I'm guessing not from how she comes across), than that is still no excuse for him to treat her with such little respect and behave in the way he does. He needs to admit he's got a problem and get help for it, until he can do that things will not change.

You seem the kind of person who will blame other people for your own problems.

Mojisola

gt568 wrote: »

The willingness of some posters to blindly accept as truth what some write on the internet is pretty scary at times.

It would be fairly pointless to try to answer posts by imaging what's going on in the relationship rather than using the information given.

If the information given isn't the full truth, then the replies won't be of much use to the poster.

gt568

The whole point is your advice is as much use as mine, since we have only 1 side of the story.

gt568

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

You seem the kind of person who will blame other people for your own problems.

Have we met?

nickj_2

i don't think you can ever come between an alcoholic and their drink unless they admit to themselves that they have a problem and are serious about doing something to stop drinking .
i have a friend who lst his wife to drink 2 years ago , she was a teacher in the performing arts and has a daughter who she had taught , the duaghter now is at a performing arts college and hopefully will reach her potential , drink proved more of lure than seeing her own daughter .
a few months before she died her drinking caught up with her , and she looked like death , although even in this state she couldn't admit to us that she had a drink problem .... she went to see the dr , who i presume gave her the bad news , but yet all she could tell us was that "they didn't know what was wrong and they were doing tests...etc " total denial .
the strange thing is that we would often go to their house for parties , and yet you would never see her drinking .

i would give your husband an ultimatum , give him a week to get to the dr's , then a month to stay clear of the drink otherwise leave , life's too short to waste time on someone who's intent on wasting theirs