Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

unschooler

This isn't a life for kids, even if you can put up with it. I remember refusing to have my birthday cake because my father promised he'd be home in time but my mother eventually shouting at me to say he wasn't going to come home and to get on with it. He came home in the middle of the night, throwing up and shouting and kicking the dog.

I remember other things he did when he was drunk too. They were much worse. Like when we lost our house because he drank the mortgage money away.

CH27

Mrsstupid wrote: »

Thanks for your comments. I guess I completely agree with what you've said, it's just so hard because 99% of the time we are really happy and he probably only goes out drinking once every couple of months at the very most so it's hard to be strong enough to go through with ending things.

I'm also of an age where my biological clock is ticking very loudly and I feel scared that if we get divorced it might be too late for me to find someone else. I think he would generally be an amazing dad as he only has the alcohol issues when out with the lads.

I honestly thought he had changed or I wouldn't have married him and now I just feel really stupid and very very upset

He won't be an amazing dad as he loves alcohol far more than he loves you or will love any baby.
Knowingly bringing a baby into that situation is plain wrong.
My FIL is an alcoholic & the things he had done & still does is vile.

gt568

Jeez aren't people allowed to have fun and cut loose once in a while anymore...?

pukkamum

Well this post could have been written by me 12 years ago, everything you described was just what I would go through with my dh before we had kids.
I fell pregnant and told him it had to stop, and it did for ages.
When ds was a year old it happened again, it was the first time he had been out withhis friends since the baby was born.
He came home to a locked door and a bin bag of his stuff on the step, he knew I was serious, I told him there was no way in hell I was allowing my child to see him in that state and it was over.
12 yrs later and he has never done it again, on the very rare occasions he goes out drinking with his friends he stays over at a friends house, but the last time he did that was 18 mths ago.
He basically knew he had to stop drinking as he just didn't have an off button when it came to alchohol, and turned into a person I didn't recognise.
We now just enjoy a bit of weed ever so often instead.
I had a slight wobble when we attended an old friends funeral recently, it was back in the town we used to live with all his hard drinking friends, and I knew it would involve drinking.
I didn't have to worry, he had a few drinks but not to excess.
I'm not saying that this approach is right for you, but I will say how glad I am that I stuck with him and helped him through it, he is a wonderful husband and an amazing dad to our 3 kids.

Pixiechic

Hi OP, his behaviour when he is drunk is not acceptable and I would not be happy with the situations that he has found himself in.

Can I just clarify something though?

How often does your OH drink? You say in your post that its 'not often' but once every two months.

Am I correct that he drinks once every two months (six times a year)? That the issue is his behaviour when he does drink on these occasions?

Thanks

please-let-me-be-lucky

OP I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it's not fun at all. I've spent many nights lying awake worrying like you undoubtedly did last night and I hope you have heard from him this morning.

I have experience of this from two perspectives - I'm the daughter AND wife of alcoholics! One story has a bad ending, the other good.

My Dad developed M.E when I was in my late teens and spent 2 years in bed. As he started to get better he decided he didn't need medication any more and started to medicate with alcohol instead. He was never a nasty drunk but was an embarrassment for want of a better word and it got worse and worse. Over the course of a couple of years he became heavily addicted and was ALWAYS drunk. My Mum divorced him after almost 30 years (I totally supported her decision) and whilst she still cared about him and made him meals etc, a lot of the care fell to me as the eldest daughter when he lived alone. By now I was married and had my first child but he would still ring in the middle of the night complaining that things were coming out of the walls to get him and it was me that had to attend his probation meetings with him after he was done for drink driving (driving too slowly!) and arrange rehab for him. Nothing worked and he died in 2006, aged 50, after disbelieving the Consultant when he said one more drink would kill him.

It was after Dad died that I realised DH had a problem with alcohol too. I had been so busy with Dad and a young baby I hadn't realised just how bad it had got. I had looked after Dad out of duty but this felt like a whole different ball game. I loved my DH and had intended to spend my whole life with him, was I supposed to go through it all again and put my children through what I had just been through? I had been an adult but if DH deteriorated as quickly as Dad did they would still be kids. I told DH I couldn't deal with it and we split up for a while. DH promised to stop drinking and go to AA. He did for a while and we got back together but then the warning signs appeared again. He would say he was going to AA but come back smelling of drink. It was so hard because I didn't want to give up on him and he was great the rest of the time plus I was pregnant again. Once again he got sober and had been dry for a few months when he had a motorbike accident resulting in a severe brain injury. He realised then what he had risked losing and that reinforced the fact that he never wanted to drink again. He has been sober over 2 years now and I thank my lucky stars that it worked out for him and us. He still calls himself an alcoholic and that worry will always be there, however it doesn't control our every day life that it once did.

I'm on the fence as to what you should do OP. Alcoholism is a cruel disease that poisons all affected by it. If you stick around you are in for a very tough ride, but if it works out for you both it's worth it. Every situation is different and depends on the alcoholic themselves not only wanting to get help but also having the tools to do so. I'm surprised that your DH even wants to drink coming from alcoholic parents and witnessing the devastation it causes, so there must be a reason he does. My DH drank due to low self esteem. Why does your DH do it?

Big hugs to you, what ever you decide will be right as long as it's best for you Xx

Savvy_Sue

He may indeed feel sorry for his actions, but that's not always enough to make the change.

JournalGirl wrote: »

Perhaps you could contact Al Anon - the group for families & friends of alcoholics - they can offer support which may help you decide your path.

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I think that's a good idea.

pukkamum wrote: »

He came home to a locked door and a bin bag of his stuff on the step, he knew I was serious, I told him there was no way in hell I was allowing my child to see him in that state and it was over.

It is possible that such shock tactics from the OP would do the job: I certainly agree with the 'not being there when he comes home' thing, but putting his stuff out certainly communicates clearly.

If you're there to soothe his fevered brow / hold the sick bowl / was his soiled clothing, there is an element of enabling there.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

No surprises here, I don't agree with most posts I personally think it is too early to give up. If it was me, I would fight for the relationship that makes me happy and the man I love but for one issue.

He clearly does have a problem. What is not clear at this point is how bad it is. I understand that you have already given a chance and it hurts so much that he did stick to it, but to be fair, someone with alcohol issues rarely can sort it out like this. It would involve a lot of soul searching, help with GP etc...

In the end, it is a personal choice. I'm a fighter and if everything was perfect in my relationship besides that one issue, just got married and the clock was ticking, I would prefer to give my marriage another chance than taking the chance to find another Mister Perfect without any issues.

'One issue' (assuming that its the only one) it may be, but it's a pretty enormous issue IMHO.


please-let-me-be-lucky's post is very insightful and sensitive xx

ValHaller

FBaby wrote: »

I have plenty of experience of it yes thank you.

This forum always assume that people never change, that are plenty of perfectly available single people around awaiting for all posters, that life alone is always better than in a non perfect relationship.

Posters always advise OPs to leave as soon as there is problem as if the OP couldn't possibly have thought about it. Usually, if someone comes and post, it is because there are looking at whether there might be over alternative, whether someone has experienced something similar, but where it did work out.

My experience is that SOME people do change and that some relationship are worth the fight. My step-mother was an alcoholic and put my father through hell. She went twice to detox clinics, both time started again. My father did leave once, but beside this problem, their relationship was great and he found it hard to live without her. They have now been back together for almost 10 years and it is going well. My SM has finally found a way to cope with her problem within herself, it has taken time, but she got there in the end.

You are right. But if a partner chooses the course of allowing the alcoholic to redeem themselves, there is a price to be paid.

For OP that price is possibly not having children.

lindsaygalaxy

Whatever you decide please stay in touch on this thread. You can choose what you want to do, but the support of just being able to freely talk on here will be a good support for you.

Has he come home yet?