Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

friendofbillw2

Hi there Mrsstupid

Firstly, to answer the question from the subject of the thread and your first post, you are not being unreasonable. Not at all.

I would strongly suggest you seek help from the AlAnon family groups. They offer support to people affected by someone else's drinking and can be contacted on 020 7403 0888, their advice is free and confidential. You will at least know then you are not alone, there are lots of people going through exactly the same as you, and there is a solution - for you and for him.

Good luck.


Alan

PS A quick google of "Friend of Bill W" (my username) should give you a clue that I may have a little bit of insight here, albeit not from your side of the fence...

warehouse

pukkamum wrote: »

Well this post could have been written by me 12 years ago, everything you described was just what I would go through with my dh before we had kids.
I fell pregnant and told him it had to stop, and it did for ages.
When ds was a year old it happened again, it was the first time he had been out withhis friends since the baby was born.
He came home to a locked door and a bin bag of his stuff on the step, he knew I was serious, I told him there was no way in hell I was allowing my child to see him in that state and it was over.
12 yrs later and he has never done it again, on the very rare occasions he goes out drinking with his friends he stays over at a friends house, but the last time he did that was 18 mths ago.
He basically knew he had to stop drinking as he just didn't have an off button when it came to alchohol, and turned into a person I didn't recognise.
We now just enjoy a bit of weed ever so often instead.
I had a slight wobble when we attended an old friends funeral recently, it was back in the town we used to live with all his hard drinking friends, and I knew it would involve drinking.
I didn't have to worry, he had a few drinks but not to excess.
I'm not saying that this approach is right for you, but I will say how glad I am that I stuck with him and helped him through it, he is a wonderful husband and an amazing dad to our 3 kids.

OP, this is the advice you need. Your husband isn't an alcoholic, just someone who hasn't grown up enough to be a Father yet. I have friends who simply don't know when to stop when we're out, they're not alcoholics either, just immature.

When it happens again you need to scare the living daylights out of him by leaving for a few days. After that you'll know.

Good luck. Be strong. Enjoy the family.

loulou123

My hubby used to drink to excess every few months (maybe 3 or 4 times a year when out with the boys.)

I worried about him, as he was making himself vunerable, to getting beat up or run over etc. He would have never drunk driven (hes very against it.) And he was never nasty to me or anyone else in any way. I swear he's just missing the part in his brain that says "you've had enough now, go home."

I have to say the thought he was an alcoholic never entered my mind.

My grandad was an alcoholic (i was brought up by him and my nan) and although he was never ever nasty, his problem with alcohol was entirely different. At any excuse he'd be in the pub (i can remember him taking me in my buggy to the pub and then buying me a treat if I promised to say we had been to the park instead! Alcohol would be hidden all over the house and in all honesty drinking was the most important thing to him. I idolised him and didn't really see the "problem" as a child, but now as an adult I know for certain he was an alcoholic.

I remember being really poorly and him taking me to a and e and then stopping on way home and leaving me ill in the car, while he popped to the pub for a quick one. I have no doubt he loved me to bits, but he just couldn't see what he was doing, as the alcohol had such a hold on him.

My husband now rarely drinks and has grown out of getting wasted on nights out, he was never a alcoholic, just a young guy drinking to much, properly egged on by his mates.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Loz01

Mrsstupid wrote: »

Since we've been together he's ended up in a ditch in the freezing snow in only a t shirt

Mrsstupid wrote: »

he's called me a c*nt

Mrsstupid wrote: »

and he's ended up in a taxi being unable to give the taxi driver his address and numerous other dangerous and stupid scenarios.

:eek:

And that was only your second paragraph!! Its time to throw down the ultimatums I think and MEAN it - if he knows you're gonna go back on your word he will never, ever change.

Bangton

FBaby wrote: »

I have plenty of experience of it yes thank you.

This forum always assume that people never change, that are plenty of perfectly available single people around awaiting for all posters, that life alone is always better than in a non perfect relationship.

Posters always advise OPs to leave as soon as there is problem as if the OP couldn't possibly have thought about it. Usually, if someone comes and post, it is because there are looking at whether there might be over alternative, whether someone has experienced something similar, but where it did work out.

My experience is that SOME people do change and that some relationship are worth the fight. My step-mother was an alcoholic and put my father through hell. She went twice to detox clinics, both time started again. My father did leave once, but beside this problem, their relationship was great and he found it hard to live without her. They have now been back together for almost 10 years and it is going well. My SM has finally found a way to cope with her problem within herself, it has taken time, but she got there in the end.

I am saying that OP shouldn't consider leaving, but at the same time, I don't believe it is the only alternative at this point. It is up to her to weight the chances, whether she believes that he could change with help and whether the relationship is worth giving it a chance. I would give it longer if it was me (but certainly not forever), but that's because my experience has also been that looking for someone you love and want to share your life with is not easy to find at all especially when you get a bit older.

I am giving another perspective, not telling OP what to do.

To be honest I read Fbaby's post and feel inclined to agree. If this man makes you happy 99% of the time and you want to be with him/love him giving it a go is not a bad thing.

My first thought when I read this was 'what an awful situation' because for me it wouldn't matter whether I was in a relationship with him or I left..he was still my partner for 5 years and I'd still be equally as pained if something happened to him and we had separated.

Not sure I see it as betrayal, when he is sober he probably really believes he will buck his ideas up, yet, when he get's out he's already had a drink and he looses his inhibitions and just goes for it. It's harder to behave and think carefully when one's already had a drink or ten. I think this is the crux of the problem..the moment he starts to drink he just doesn't know when to stop.

You say he doesn't go out very often...once every couple of months. Does he go out with people who act the same? Is it the culture among his friends?

rosered1963

My advice to the OP is to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible, unless you want a rollercoaster of a life of pain, lies, misery, bargaining, poverty, dashed hopes and perhaps chronic health problems and tragedy. As for worrying about your biological clock - that is the least of your worries, if you don't mind my saying.

Alcohol abuse never remains static - it is a progression. Whether he continues to be a a chronic alcohol abuser is nothing to do with you at all - you can't change it. But you can choose to be worth more and move on. I suggest you educate yourself about alcohol abuse and the associated behaviours, lies and games so that if you do continue with this relationship, you will know what you might be in for. It's a pretty clear pattern of stages and behaviours if you read up on it.

Good luck in your future and I wish you happiness without the dark shadow of an addict in your life. Having gone through it myself as a young woman, I would not wish it on my worst enemy - and my ex boyfriend started with the exact behaviours you mention. I eventually realised I could not change or help him and walked out. He died in a drunken accident (often the way they die) aged 33.

I am now happily married. I would never go near a binge drinker with a ten foot pole. Another thing people don't tell you is the sheer worry and boredem of being with an alcohol abuser. Listening for the door, when is he coming back, where is he, wondering what state he is in, whether he is dead in a gutter, pretending to be asleep when he comes in because you can't deal with the aftermath of a drinking binge - the emotional babbling, chattering, etc and then the dreadful stinking self-pitying state he is in the next morning (Can I have a fry-up?) and on and on and on....... Live life!

tayforth

rosered1963 wrote: »

My advice to the OP is to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible, unless you want a rollercoaster of a life of pain, lies, misery, bargaining, poverty, dashed hopes and perhaps chronic health problems and tragedy. As for worrying about your biological clock - that is the least of your worries, if you don't mind my saying.

Alcohol abuse never remains static - it is a progression. Whether he continues to be a a chronic alcohol abuser is nothing to do with you at all - you can't change it. But you can choose to be worth more and move on. I suggest you educate yourself about alcohol abuse and the associated behaviours, lies and games so that if you do continue with this relationship, you will know what you might be in for. It's a pretty clear pattern of stages and behaviours if you read up on it.

Good luck in your future and I wish you happiness without the dark shadow of an addict in your life. Having gone through it myself as a young woman, I would not wish it on my worst enemy - and my ex boyfriend started with the exact behaviours you mention. I eventually realised I could not change or help him and walked out. He died in a drunken accident (often the way they die) aged 33.

I am now happily married. I would never go near a binge drinker with a ten foot pole. Another thing people don't tell you is the sheer worry and boredem of being with an alcohol abuser. Listening for the door, when is he coming back, where is he, wondering what state he is in, whether he is dead in a gutter, pretending to be asleep when he comes in because you can't deal with the aftermath of a drinking binge - the emotional babbling, chattering, etc and then the dreadful stinking self-pitying state he is in the next morning (Can I have a fry-up?) and on and on and on....... Live life!

Thank you. What an honest, insightful post xx

Mrsstupid wrote: »

...he's called me a c*nt

This is what really stands out for me. Seriously, nobody in a normal relationship calls their OH a c*nt.

Edited to add: my ex called me a c*nt. I left him, eventually. But that still stands out for me as the moment when I should have left.

Errata

The problem is he doesn't understand how to drink alcohol. He will never understand how to drink alcohol and the only solution is for him to become teetotal.

pukkamum

Errata wrote: »

The problem is he doesn't understand how to drink alcohol. He will never understand how to drink alcohol and the only solution is for him to become teetotal.

This is exactly the case for my dh, he doesn't even enjoy alchohol anymore because he worries about the consequences and if he loses control.

The last time he had a proper boozy night out 18mths ago with 3 yrs before that, he was home dead early slightly tipsy, and said he didn't want to do it again.

We have discussed his problem with alchohol extensively and we came to the conclusion that his main problem was drinking strong lager, stella artois is like poison to him, and drinking too fast, partly his shyness making him drink quicker so he felt more confident.
Drinking fast meant he got drunk so quickly he didn't hit the, oh oh I've drunk too much should stop, point shilst sober enough to act on it.
There was also the immature, I'm not doing what she tells me, thoughts when I would try and get him to slow down.
I must admit I was a bit of an enabler, calming situations down when he got lairy, cleaning up vomit, making excuses for him etc. I soon realised that had to stop and this was one of the factors too I think in him stopping drinking.
Oh and he liked the, out of control, unihibited feeling he got when drunk.

I hope it works out for the op.

Errata

Drinking fast meant he got drunk so quickly he didn't hit the, oh oh I've drunk too much should stop, point shilst sober enough to act on it.

That may be so in his case, but those who are unable to understand how to drink alcohol never even recognise this point when they reach it.