Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

marisco_2

Mrsstupid wrote: »

I know that he would choose alcohol over me.

Actions speak louder than words and your husband is showing you over and over again that the your statement above is correct. His acknowledgement of his issues and promises to change his ways, in the emails that he sent you before you got married, mean nothing as he hasn't followed through on any of this.

All the while he carries on in this vein, he runs the risk of jeopardising your shared future together. His addiction to alcohol and linked erratic behaviour may well end up with him getting a criminal record. This could have huge implications in regards to his career. If he is caught drink driving he could lose his licence and god forbid any innocent party got caught up in an accident and hurt by his recklessness.

Until he faces up to the fact that he has a problem with alcohol and seeks help to address this nothing is going to change. Your quality of life with him will just keep spiralling downwards.

meritaten

my advice?
Don't be there when he gets himself home. He needs to sort himself out and if you are there then he will feel that you are tacitly agreeing with his excuses. an 'Enabler' if you like.
Go.
As for your 'biological clock' - Do you really want to put your future child through this pain and worry?
Even if you don't find another life partner its still possible to have a child. and raising one alone would be better than staying and having a partner who becomes a serious alcoholic.
I am sorry I cant be more positive - but, unless you make him realise that you are not going to be there to pick him up, and support this senseless bingeing, then he wont do anything about it.

lindsaygalaxy

My ex was the same. He never saw he had a problem. He would say sorry for the getting half naked in a club/ thrown out for causing trouble/ breaking doors/ being abusive to me/ missing all night/ kissing someone else etc all because he was drunk and didnt mean it. He too had parents that were big drinkers. Every time he would go out I would be in bed praying that he wouldnt come home too drunk this time and convincing myself I could trust him. Ofcourse, this was never the case. I stayed because it was too late, we already had a child and I saw no other way, please, don't make the same mistake.
The good does not outweight the bad. Pack your bags now, go to stay with a friend or family, and show him you mean business. If he doesn't choose you, walk away. You will meet someone else.

Ich_2

Having seen the emotional effect on someone who was in a relationship with an alcoholic and the absolute destruction of her career when she found him dead through alcohol related issues, I can only add to the above - get out

lindsaygalaxy

Im sure right now you are sat thinking 'I will talk to him tomorrow' or 'it will be ok, he wont do it again' or 'im making a big deal out of it'. You know in your heart what you need to do. It doesnt mean the end, he make realise what he needs to do. But give yourself a chance.

ValHaller

lindsaygalaxy wrote: »

You know in your heart what you need to do. It doesnt mean the end, he make (may?) realise what he needs to do. But give yourself a chance.

I tend to think that OP is unlikely to get a good result here either for herself or for him. I would say that for his sake, the relationship has to be sacrificed.

Ich_2

This is a post from some years ago by a good friend (now deceased owing to the after effects of the violence, that probably says it all)

20 years ago I married this wonderful guy and I loved him dearly. He was a left seat driver (aircraft captain) and well thought of among his fellow professionals, good at his job, extremely good looking, witty and a nice person to be around. We had what everyone thought the perfect marriage. He was what they call a social drinker, but as time passed things got worse with the drinking and his behaviour and manner changed. Vodka was his poison. I can’t say it affected his working life because he to everyone else was just the same nice guy. I could not say when I thought to myself, !!!! we have a problem here. Guess the first time was when I thought the hoover was heavy pushing around and on inspection found ½ empty bottle in the bag. Never questioned him about it nor the bottles found in the toilet cistern, ones found in rain water barrel the hiding places were endless. I’d take them all and pour down sink only in a few days time find more in different places. How can a person go have a bath sober and come out drunk, because his stash was behind the bath panel. I was expecting our first baby just found out and came home so happy and couldn’t wait to tell him, I was gutted to find him so !!!!ed he couldn’t even talk. Next day he was not working and off for 2 more so was I and I watched his every move, followed him everywhere he went and as he became more and more agitated it came out he was looking for his drink. We talked and talked for hours and he admitted he thought he had a problem…ok, we will get help. Found out where AA was and when the meetings, went got to the door and he decided he was “not like them” that he could control it. He never did and it went from bad to worse, baby arrived and so did he at the hospital drunk as a Lord but everyone thought he had been wetting the babies head….Our child was not a good sleeper so he would have a wee drink to help him sleep……
No talking to him nor no help offered would he take…….then the violence began….when you love someone and know they are ILL you cover up things like they do…..our families never knew our friends never knew….. I could cover up bruises with makeup, the lumps of hair that were pulled from my head covered up by keeping my hair tied back. I never told a soul, how could I, would anyone believe this perfect couple would have these problems…..and it went on until one day he just up and disappeared…..with our baby and I was demented and had to call the police…..they were found and thankfully baby was well….that day snapped something in my brain made me wakeup and see things as they really were….I asked him again and again to get help…..but the sad thing was he could admit there was a problem but he DID NOT want to do anything about it…..that was 18 years ago we parted company, we never divorced until a few years ago because I had always lived in the hope he would get the help, want to get the help he needed but sadly that never happened.



My ex no longer is flying he lives a sad lonely life still lost in his bottle. I try to keep in touch but the verbal abuse down the phone just is not worth it…..I and our child now 20 have gone up north to visit him but leave saddened by the state he is in…..I tried….we tried but he seems to like where he’s at……if we don’t receive the abusive call every month or so we ring the local police station and they call on their rounds and let us know he is alive……See even after all these years we care……

I just thought perhaps a view from the other side might help you to see that it is not just the drinker that suffers.

problem1980, your partner will know, but like me she will not want to admit it to herself……it will go away he will change. I sincerely hope you will face up to your problem and seek the help you need and I truly hope you can.

tayforth

I'd be out of there - no question.

He promised to stop drinking before you were married. He has betrayed your trust.

I've never experienced addiction first hand, but I have friends who have, within their families, and it's devastating. I could not be with someone like that.

Re your biological clock - I recently ended my abusive marriage, and I'm 35. I had the same angst over 'what if I never meet anyone else or have children', but - as a poster on here pointed out - no way could I have had children with such a man. I'll take my chances.

It's time to put yourself first. Leave this man before he destroys himself and you too.

xx

meritaten

I think ICHs post says it all - if you care about your partner then shock tactics like leaving may nip the problem in the bud - if not then YOU have to care about yourself and leave him to it. some people can be helped - others cant.

tayforth

Ich wrote: »

This is a post from some years ago by a good friend (now deceased owing to the after effects of the violence, that probably says it all)

What a tragic tale, may I ask how she passed away? xx