Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

dancingfairy

I think you have to decide your bottom line. What are you prepapared/not prepared to put up with and at what point do you walk away? Nobody else can decide that for you.
He will only change when he decides he wants help and not before

You appear to have 3 main choices:
1) carry on as before - you telling him it's not acceptable and him appologising and everything settling down until the next time.
2) putting your foot down and be prepared to walk and hope that shocks him enough to change
3) just walking out completely.

You can't change his behabiour but you can change yours.
As someone else has said - where do you see this going in 5 years, 10 years etc.
How would you feel if you got out now? releived that you had recovered early enough from a bad mistake or feeling like you hadn't given it enough time?
Best of Luck whatever you decide.
df

tesuhoha

I think if he wants to change and is willing to give it a serious shot - maybe give him one last chance.

If he has no intention of changing his ways then leave without hesitation.

justme111

You see , he does not think he has a problem. He sorted driving issue - he leaves the car keys home. Getting absolutwly drunk every now and again is a very common occurrence and nobody calls those people alcoholics. He and many.other people see it as normal to get p...ed every now and again. So when a wife objects to it he perceives it as a personal attack , unjustified , nagging and no way he is going to change . Imagine you love watching formula 1/eastenders and your partner demands you stop it and once more you.do it he is going to leave you. You are bot going to believe.he is serious and you will get an
noye
d and resentful and defensive and that eastenders will suddenly become even more important to you and you.will blame him for blowing things out of proportion if he indeed leaves you.

FBaby

I think justme111 has a good point. Indeed, there might be some big misunderstanding about the danger he is putting himself and your family under by his behaviour. He indeed seem to think that if he doesn't drive, he is ok and so are you, so problem resolved. If he doesn't drink any other time and doesn't need to, then indeed, he is likely to believe he is not an alcoholic.

The thing is, you hinted that he has got into trouble before unrelated to driving serious enough to be arrested. If you put the driving aside, what does he say about these instances? Clearly he seems to believe that these couldn't happen again either? Did he say why?

tesuhoha

Then the first time he comes home and urinates in the bed will he still think that reasonable behaviour - where is the line drawn?

justme111

tesuhoha wrote: »

Then the first time he comes home and urinates in the bed will he still think that reasonable behaviour - where is the line drawn?

Believe it or not , a male part of the only couple that I know where I like the relationship they have actually weed himself once or twice under the influence of alcohol. It was long ago . But it happened. I known them for years , we have been drinking tigether many times and nothing asocial happened on any occasion but one when he shouted at airline who was anno6g him. Who can tell he /she never shouted ? He I like him and they have best relationship of the ones that I seen. He got promoted with work since , they seem to enjoy.life So urinating in bed does not automatically erases one from human specie ...
Don't get me wrong , i would not been a happy bunny if I was an op either. I am just not sure what's right and what's wrong ...

sulphate

So sorry you are going through this

ema_o wrote: »

You have promises made to you that he will stop drinking - however (other than you obviously being very cross / hurt and telling him so) it doesn't sound like there are any consequences to him if he drinks. He drinks, you are upset / hurt / cross. He apologises / you give him one more chance - repeat.

If you want anything to change you need to change what you do when he does drink & gets into these situations. You can't stop yourself worrying but you can show him that the consequences are more than just you being upset / cross. However you need to be at a point in your life that you mean what you say & in the knowledge that he may in fact still choose the drink over you. Presumably he chose you 6 months ago but thinks now he can have both.

I agree with this. There are no real consequences for him and therefore he carries on. He probably doesn't believe you are seriously reconsidering the future you have with him and that coupled with the fact he doesn't believe that he has a problem means he sees no incentive to change.

This may not be everyone's approach but I would tell him that you want him to register with AA/a support group/counsellor etc in the next four weeks and have his first appointment, offer to go with him etc, and inform him that if he is not willing to do this then you will leave/kick him out (depending on what your housing situation is). Do not be tempted to find someone yourself, make the arrangements yourself and take him along, he has to WANT to solve this himself like others have already said. If in a month he has made no real effort to do this, then leave.

tesuhoha

justme111 wrote: »

Believe it or not , a male part of the only couple that I know where I like the relationship they have actually weed himself once or twice under the influence of alcohol. It was long ago . But it happened. I known them for years , we have been drinking tigether many times and nothing asocial happened on any occasion but one when he shouted at airline who was anno6g him. Who can tell he /she never shouted ? He I like him and they have best relationship of the ones that I seen. He got promoted with work since , they seem to enjoy.life So urinating in bed does not automatically erases one from human specie ...
Don't get me wrong , i would not been a happy bunny if I was an op either. I am just not sure what's right and what's wrong ...

I don't quite know what to say to that. If you are willing to put up with a certain amount of suffering inflicted by him then it may take a long time before he reaches the point where you feel you cannot go on. By this time you will be all those years older and will look back and regret not leaving him whilst you were still reasonably young.

He doesn't even see anything wrong in his behaviour so he is not likely to change and I suppose you have to make a decision. The decision is whether you want to live with this type of occurrence because you love him or whether you have to make the break regardless.

pukkamum

tesuhoha wrote: »

Then the first time he comes home and urinates in the bed will he still think that reasonable behaviour - where is the line drawn?

My dh did this but I really didn't see that as grounds for leaving him, I have known many men and a few women who it has happened to, it really doesn't make them a terrible person, it makes them a person with a problem.

I worry about how quick many on here are to tell a person to walk away without even trying to advise on ways to work things through, no wonder divorce rates are so high!

I wonder how many of the posters insisting she leaves are living with perfect partners...............

justme111

Whether I am willing to put up with certain ount of suffering caused by a so - well if I am not then I would be alone as every single.person has downsides , they will affect other person and if that other person takes it as suffering than that may be the issue of perception as much as it is of the actual fault. That couple I mentioned accepted each other faults , respected each.other and did mot try to change each other.