Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

Ich_2

Interestingly the person I referred to in Post #15 knew the person in Post #18 and knew of the situation having posted on the thread it came from - made no difference

What a tragic tale, may I ask how she passed away

Not something I will tell in public, PM sent to you

Mrsstupid

Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts. I'm really sorry to hear about the people that have been so badly impacted by alcohol.

Deep down I have known everything you have said for a long time but was in denial. Reading your thoughts and stories in black and white has been more helpful than you will ever know. Whenever I waver I now have this thread to re-read to toughen my resolve.

Thank you all so much X

pinkshoes

It's ultimatum time, as he's already betrayed you.

It's either you, never drinking again and AA meetings, or alcohol.

Or perhaps it's time to walk away, as he's already had his second chance...?

valk_scot

I think you have to ask yourself realistically...will this be any different in five years time? Ten? What about when you're in your sixties? Can you spend the rest of your life like this? Because if he can't or won't give it up now, when your relationship is still fresh and you're both still relatively young then it's not going to get any easier to do it as he gets older, due to sheer force of habit and also his addiction will deepen. And it's going to get less and less easy for you to go, at least on a practical level. Add a child or children into this mix? Just don't, please. It's not fair on the child and it will make things harder when you do finally admit defeat and leave.

Best to go now. You can make a clean break and get on with your life, start looking ahead to a future that's not filled with fear and uncertainty. I can't offer much advice about having a baby apart from to say not with your current man. I suppose it depends how old you are, how stable you are financially on your own, what kind of support network you have and how you might feel about going it solo, or adopting, just to offer alternatives? But it's interesting what life brings, if you just have the courage to walk forwards.

harrys_nan

Please whatever you do, do NOT have children with this man, I am/was a stepdaughter of an alcoholic and believe me it's an awful life to live. He couldn't control his drinking and as most of the time he was still drunk the next day, he lost jobs left, right and center, we grew up never knowing if my mum was going to get any money for food or not and usually not, this was in the days when there wasn't a lot of help for married women like there is now, all she had was family allowance for my 2 sisters.
Whatever you do and I really hope you leave and go on to have a better life, any children will not have a choice.
I know how a drunk can sweet talk his/her way out of everything, but please put yourself 1st.
My stepdad was found dead in a graveyard, do you want to go through that ???

FBaby

No surprises here, I don't agree with most posts I personally think it is too early to give up. If it was me, I would fight for the relationship that makes me happy and the man I love but for one issue.

He clearly does have a problem. What is not clear at this point is how bad it is. I understand that you have already given a chance and it hurts so much that he did stick to it, but to be fair, someone with alcohol issues rarely can sort it out like this. It would involve a lot of soul searching, help with GP etc...

In the end, it is a personal choice. I'm a fighter and if everything was perfect in my relationship besides that one issue, just got married and the clock was ticking, I would prefer to give my marriage another chance than taking the chance to find another Mister Perfect without any issues.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What makes you so sure that he's going to be any use as a sperm donor in the first place - huge numbers of people with alcoholism are infertile as a direct result?

He won't change. Even the ones that want to, rarely succeed - and those that do most often relapse within a couple of years.


Did you want to devote your 'last chance' of having children to an abusive man child who is likely infertile in any case?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FBaby wrote: »

No surprises here, I don't agree with most posts I personally think it is too early to give up. If it was me, I would fight for the relationship that makes me happy and the man I love but for one issue.

He clearly does have a problem. What is not clear at this point is how bad it is. I understand that you have already given a chance and it hurts so much that he did stick to it, but to be fair, someone with alcohol issues rarely can sort it out like this. It would involve a lot of soul searching, help with GP etc...

In the end, it is a personal choice. I'm a fighter and if everything was perfect in my relationship besides that one issue, just got married and the clock was ticking, I would prefer to give my marriage another chance than taking the chance to find another Mister Perfect without any issues.

Have you actually ever lived with an addict?

FBaby

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Have you actually ever lived with an addict?

I have plenty of experience of it yes thank you.

This forum always assume that people never change, that are plenty of perfectly available single people around awaiting for all posters, that life alone is always better than in a non perfect relationship.

Posters always advise OPs to leave as soon as there is problem as if the OP couldn't possibly have thought about it. Usually, if someone comes and post, it is because there are looking at whether there might be over alternative, whether someone has experienced something similar, but where it did work out.

My experience is that SOME people do change and that some relationship are worth the fight. My step-mother was an alcoholic and put my father through hell. She went twice to detox clinics, both time started again. My father did leave once, but beside this problem, their relationship was great and he found it hard to live without her. They have now been back together for almost 10 years and it is going well. My SM has finally found a way to cope with her problem within herself, it has taken time, but she got there in the end.

I am saying that OP shouldn't consider leaving, but at the same time, I don't believe it is the only alternative at this point. It is up to her to weight the chances, whether she believes that he could change with help and whether the relationship is worth giving it a chance. I would give it longer if it was me (but certainly not forever), but that's because my experience has also been that looking for someone you love and want to share your life with is not easy to find at all especially when you get a bit older.

I am giving another perspective, not telling OP what to do.

JournalGirl

Perhaps you could contact Al Anon - the group for families & friends of alcoholics - they can offer support which may help you decide your path.

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/