Alcohol issues - am i being unreasonable? advice please

Mrsstupid

Hello

Regular poster here using a temporary username in the hope of getting some honest and independent advice please. Feeling really stupid, confused and conflicted and hope someone can help.

I've been with my husband for 5 years and we've been married for 6 months. He has a great job, works really hard and is good with money and generally we are really happy. However, he has what I would call an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. This is not too surprising given that both his parents were alcoholics. Fortunately, he doesn't drink often, but when he does he literally does not know when to stop and ends up not knowing who is he, where he is etc. This has always bothered me because I don't feel that it's safe to get that drunk.

Since we've been together he's ended up in a ditch in the freezing snow in only a t shirt, he's called me a c*nt and he's ended up in a taxi being unable to give the taxi driver his address and numerous other dangerous and stupid scenarios. He thinks I'm being a party pooper because I try to tell him not to drink and I don't like it when he's going out because every single time he goes out something bad happens.

Last year, I was working overseas and I received a one line email telling me that he had been in an accident and been arrested for drink driving. Obviously my mind went into overdrive and I had visions of him killing someone etc. I then couldn't get hold of anyone back at home to find out what was going on. Fortunately, he was very very lucky and hadn't hurt anyone else and was not charged for drink driving (he was way over the limit but got off on a technicality).

In a way I was pleased that this had happened because it seemed like a real wake up call and he appeared to have changed his attitude to drinking and agreed that he did have a problem. I have emails from him acknowledging his problem and agreeing that I was right and he shouldn't drink as he cannot control it. I called off our wedding over the drink driving, but because he promised me he'd change and I really believed that he meant it, we did get married in the end. Now I feel really stupid to have believed him.

Roll forward 6 months and he's back to drinking again. I've shown him all the emails he wrote over the drink driving and he just doesn't seem to care. I feel like he tricked me into marrying him and explained this to him but he said he did genuinely mean what he wrote in those emails at the time. Now his solution is just not to take car keys out with him but this doesn't stop all the other dangerous scenarios he gets into.

He's out tonight 50 miles away. He's missed the last train home and I spoke to him at 10pm and he had no idea where he was. Obviously I'm stupidly worried but there is nothing I can do so I'm trying not to think about it. I feel hurt that he thinks its ok to let me get so worried about him. I also feel like his gambling with our life as he will lose his job/career if he gets any criminal charge and he has already been arrested 3 times (that I know about) because of his drinking.

Anyway, what I was hoping for is some advice please. I don't think he will ever change, should I just accept that he's going to do this and try not to worry about him? The other part of me feels like this is such a betrayal because i married him on the condition that he stopped drinking unless he was at home or with me (i have that in an email) so maybe I should divorce him. The thing that upsets me is that he knows how upset I get about his drinking yet he doesn't care. I know that he would choose alcohol over me.

I don't know what to do because I can't get him 'help' as he doesn't see this as a problem. Maybe it's me? Would other people be upset if their partner behaved like this?

Sorry for the long post!! Thanks for any advice anyone can give.

ValHaller

If there is a single sentence which encapsulates this

Mrsstupid wrote: »

I know that he would choose alcohol over me.

all reasoning about this can be based on the above statement.

Zazen999

Yes I had a partner like this. When he peed in someone else's wardrobe because he was too drunk to work out where he was, and when he found a jar of pickles in his pocket after raiding the fridge I decided it was only going to get worse and it would be my problem to sort in the future so I ended it. He is still, 20 years later, a p1 sshead.

peachyprice

Mrsstupid wrote: »

I don't know what to do because I can't get him 'help' as he doesn't see this as a problem.

He is an alcoholic, you cannot help him and you cannot make him help himself until he wants to stop drinking.

Can you live your life in the shadow of alcohol, as the wife of an alcoholic?

Mrsstupid

Thanks for your comments. I guess I completely agree with what you've said, it's just so hard because 99% of the time we are really happy and he probably only goes out drinking once every couple of months at the very most so it's hard to be strong enough to go through with ending things.

I'm also of an age where my biological clock is ticking very loudly and I feel scared that if we get divorced it might be too late for me to find someone else. I think he would generally be an amazing dad as he only has the alcohol issues when out with the lads.

I honestly thought he had changed or I wouldn't have married him and now I just feel really stupid and very very upset

good_advice

Hello, no you are not being unreasonable. Just worried.
There is nothing you can do as the person has to want to stop. Weather it is drinking, gambling or smoking. It is like the saying, you can take a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it.

Take a hot chocolate to bed, there is nothing you can do.

chickenpants

Although its not the same as a husband, I have an alcoholic dad that drunk all the way through my childhood and still does now, so saw/see a lot of things first hand! I don't think you can ever force anyone to get help unless they want it and I guess you have to decide if you can wait for that moment - if / when it ever comes. The emotional side can be pretty horrendous and I hope you have someone to help support you. The alcohol advice service has been fantastic for us, they also offer help for relatives and both my sister and I had counselling through them as teenagers. They also offer sessions to try and help the person you are concerned about try to realise that there is a problem. Dad started off similar to your husband, as far as he was concerned he was sober in the day so why would be be an alcoholic? Never mind that he could get so wasted at times he'd do some terrible things. Things escalated from there.

I'd say speak to him when hes nit had a drink and hope he comes to his senses :grouphug:

chickenpants

Cross posted with you, please please please don't consider having children until things are under control, it can be really horrific for the children, even if it only starts as once every few months and can cause real damage

ema_o

The trouble is no one here is in your situation - so while it is very easy to give advice from an uninvolved perspective it is not going to be easy to take that advice. So although my opinion is the same as what has been posted above my advice is simply to consider what your reaction is when he does drink like this & how it affects him.

You have promises made to you that he will stop drinking - however (other than you obviously being very cross / hurt and telling him so) it doesn't sound like there are any consequences to him if he drinks. He drinks, you are upset / hurt / cross. He apologises / you give him one more chance - repeat.

If you want anything to change you need to change what you do when he does drink & gets into these situations. You can't stop yourself worrying but you can show him that the consequences are more than just you being upset / cross. However you need to be at a point in your life that you mean what you say & in the knowledge that he may in fact still choose the drink over you. Presumably he chose you 6 months ago but thinks now he can have both.

Oh and allowing him to drink at home / with you - I think it has to be all or nothing. Otherwise he might have a few drinks with you then go out / have lots of drinks with you and insult you again.

ValHaller

Mrsstupid wrote: »

I'm also of an age where my biological clock is ticking very loudly and I feel scared that if we get divorced it might be too late for me to find someone else.

Bluntly, that is less scary than having kids with him. Getting divorced and starting over will probably be quicker than waiting till you are confident he is sorted.

ema_o

Just saw your post about children & totally agree with chickenpants. I can't imagine how I would explain it to my 2 year old if anything happened to his dad, or if he was coming in like another person every now & again.

Added to the fact that children highlight anything that is wrong in a relationship. I can't say strongly enough how much kids would be a bad idea atm.