Insecure and need help

Anoneemoose

Well, this really is an emotional roller coaster! One day I'm fine; the the next I'm not.

We went for a family meal last night and DH was telling stories from his drunken antics last week and I felt awful. Like boring. He sounded like he had so much fun and it is not something I can do because the ME means I cannot stomach any alcohol. I ended up taking myself off to the toilet for a little cry on my own.

I have honestly never felt so comfortable and secure with anyone other than DH. I have always felt so very lucky that I am with someone who is honest, caring and loving. I just don't know why this has triggered itself only really in the last month. The boss has been around longer than this and i have never had concerns before.

Thinking about it, it started when we were sat watching tv one night and DH had a text conversation with the boss that he was chuckling at. I don't know why this was a bad thing, it's like it just 'flicked a switch' in me. We don't have long text conversations like we used to, ever and to be fair, I know that is because when he is not with me, he is at work but it just made me realise things have changed.

Last night he kept mentioning the boss in conversation and every time it is like someone is stabbing my emotions. He also told me something about the new job, but only after me asking and he has always promised he would keep me updated with progress of things.

I'm feeling so rubbish right now, think I had better phone for a docs app on Monday!!

DonaldTrumpsHair

My number one tip if you are feeling insecure about yourself is to only use the mirror to check you have nothing on your teeth, toothpaste around your mouth.

Apart from that avoid the mirror, what is the point of constantly looking in a mirror when you don't like what you see?

Focus on the rest of your life, loving, laughing and hobbies, anything which takes the focus off yourself.

My wife felt like this on passing 50 and now she is much more relaxed and accepting of her changing face and body, which I love whatever she looks like. I am no oil painting myself but not mirror shattering yet!

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Well, this really is an emotional roller coaster! One day I'm fine; the the next I'm not.

We went for a family meal last night and DH was telling stories from his drunken antics last week and I felt awful. Like boring. He sounded like he had so much fun and it is not something I can do because the ME means I cannot stomach any alcohol. I ended up taking myself off to the toilet for a little cry on my own.

I have honestly never felt so comfortable and secure with anyone other than DH. I have always felt so very lucky that I am with someone who is honest, caring and loving. I just don't know why this has triggered itself only really in the last month. The boss has been around longer than this and i have never had concerns before.

Thinking about it, it started when we were sat watching tv one night and DH had a text conversation with the boss that he was chuckling at. I don't know why this was a bad thing, it's like it just 'flicked a switch' in me. We don't have long text conversations like we used to, ever and to be fair, I know that is because when he is not with me, he is at work but it just made me realise things have changed.

Last night he kept mentioning the boss in conversation and every time it is like someone is stabbing my emotions. He also told me something about the new job, but only after me asking and he has always promised he would keep me updated with progress of things.

I'm feeling so rubbish right now, think I had better phone for a docs app on Monday!!

I agree. I think by fixating all your insecurities onto your husbands boss, its not healthy for you.

And does it matter if you cant drink? Just because someone has a drunken night out doesnt mean it was that fantastic.

Things may have changed but it doesnt mean your husbands boss is responsible.

Also, talk to him, tell him how you are feeling. What is the point of sitting and pretending everything is ok when its not and then having to go and cry in a toilet?

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

I agree. I think by fixating all your insecurities onto your husbands boss, its not healthy for you.

And does it matter if you cant drink? Just because someone has a drunken night out doesnt mean it was that fantastic.

Things may have changed but it doesnt mean your husbands boss is responsible.

Also, talk to him, tell him how you are feeling. What is the point of sitting and pretending everything is ok when its not and then having to go and cry in a toilet?

Thanks again. I realise it isn't healthy and I suppose that is one reason for me to put things on here. It does help to write it down.

I have tried talking to him but I haven't dared mention this fixation with his boss. I just don't think it would be fair on him because I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Do you think I should mention it?

Another thing that has happened recently is that 2 of our family members have both separared from their husbands and they both had marriages that seemed perfect from the outside. I know you never know what goes on behind closed doors but it just really shocked me - and saddened me because it made me think, if it can happen to them......

Yes things have changed between us and I think the changes are the normal - we work, have (young) kids and the relationship takes a back seat because the other things seem to come first. I also realise that this is not his boss's fault. My thinking (albeit irrational, I know) is that our relationship has taken a back seat and he is getting close to the boss, so that means he is goin to fall for her! Again, I know irrational, but my low (well non existant) self esteem makes it hard for me to envisage any other way.

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.x

paulineb_2

No I dont, but I do think you need to work on your self esteem and you know this yourself.

Also, have you considered that your husbands boss might not be attracted to him in any way, shape or form?

You cant predict the future, none of us can, but from what you have said you have a husband who loves and cares for you.

What you need to work on, is liking yourself and believing that you deserve to be happy and I do think that counselling would help you.

Anoneemoose

I definitely do. I am going to see if I can get a docs app next week and ask. I think I would still prefer to go private because you're not then limited to 6 sessions like you are on the NHS. I know there is a long wait but at least if I put my name down, if DH doesn't get his promotion, I shall have that as a back up plan.

I wanted to say, I do hate feeling this way, and I know it isn't good for anyone. I do want to change. I suppose, it has all just taken me by surprise so to speak because previously, I never doubted us at all.

belfastgirl23

Anoneemoose wrote: »

I wanted to say, I do hate feeling this way, and I know it isn't good for anyone. I do want to change. I suppose, it has all just taken me by surprise so to speak because previously, I never doubted us at all.

I have never figured out how to multi quote but your earlier comment about two couples close to you splitting up felt like the other piece in the jigsaw to me. There is an emotional fallout from this that is profoundly destabilising for people who are close to the couples affected. I think you feel a bit silly about acknowledging this but don't, it's entirely normal. The whole business about your husbands boss has just come along at a time when you feel vulnerable, which is normal enough as well in families with young kids. Have a really hard think - are you focusing on something trivial as a way of explaining your emotions to yourself? Own your emotions, it can be really empowering!

Anoneemoose

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I have never figured out how to multi quote but your earlier comment about two couples close to you splitting up felt like the other piece in the jigsaw to me. There is an emotional fallout from this that is profoundly destabilising for people who are close to the couples affected. I think you feel a bit silly about acknowledging this but don't, it's entirely normal. The whole business about your husbands boss has just come along at a time when you feel vulnerable, which is normal enough as well in families with young kids. Have a really hard think - are you focusing on something trivial as a way of explaining your emotions to yourself? Own your emotions, it can be really empowering!

Thanks. It could be what you say. It was really unsettling to hear about the family members. And I found it very saddening.

On a good note; I have had a better day today. Have tried to take things at face value and believe it when DH has told me I'm gorgeous/he loves me etc. That little 'niggle' has been there but I have tried not to make it a 'big' thing and have tried to push it away.

I have also realised that another reason that I feel a bit uncomfy around the boss is due to the 'cold shoulder' she gave me once. She had left her coat in our car one day when DH had driven them on a business outing and I took it to their office on my way out of work one day. I handed it to DH as I didn't know who she was at that point and he gave it to her who was sat in front of him. I made a friendly comment about "not wanting to be without it"...she just muttered 'ta' and looked away. Now obviously I wasn't wanting to be greatly pally with her but she was a bit stand offish. Especially since all of the other times I have met DH's colleagues (and it has happened due to us working in the same building a few yrs ago), everyone else has been really friendly. Again, I know this might seem like I am putting a negative spin on things but I had no feelings towards her at this point (e.g. Insecurity) and I was quite looking forward to saying hello as i had heard a lot about her. Think it just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, that was just an explanation - as I said, I have had a better day. I am in training all week so earliest I can get to docs is thurs but I am going to phone for an app. Will discuss my meds and counselling.

DH has also said that he will come out for walks with me on an evening so I can hopefully get some fitness back. I will have to build it up VERY gradually but hopefully I can do enough to make me feel better.

Anoneemoose

Not a bad couple of days. DH and I have been doing some things together..played a couple of silly quiz games on the ps3 which we like. We have also had lots of cuddles etc.

I have told DH I want us to have a heart to heart (probs tonight) because I feel like we have had a weird few months with everything that has been going on.

I am planning on telling him how I have been feeling in myself and that I am going to see the doc for help or counselling. I would also like to offload about how I feel about his closeness with the boss but as I've said, I really don't want to make him feel uncomfy.

Normally when I attempt to talk to him, he doesn't say a lot and we end up bickering. If any can offer any tips, I would be most grateful.

Anoneemoose

Just an update. Had a really good chat with DH and opened up about everything, including the boss. I didn't go in all guns blazing or anything but basically just explained that as we had been going through a bit of a rut, I felt insecure in our relationship. I also said that because of this, his close friendship with his boss unsettled me. He was really great, he said he could understand why I would feel that way because they have become close due to having to work together.

He said he wishes I didn't feel so bad because there was no need, he loves me and is very happy etc. He also reassured me that there was nothing to worry about (which to be fair, I knew because i know he'd never cheat or anything).

I hoped it would 'cure' everything although realistically I knew that wouldn't happen because the problem is with me. It has made me feel a lot better about us though because it's the first time we have actually sat down and talked properly for a while. No distractions. Even when we go out, we don't talk properly in case it spoils the atmosphere! I was also worried about telling DH about the boss becuase his ex was very controlling and wouldn't let him breathe near another woman, let alone be friends with one - I didn't wan him to think I was accusing him in anyway. Again, he was great and said he knows I am not like his ex.

I still feel very 'inferior' to the boss but I didn't explain that side of things too much. My worry that he will eventually fall for her hasn't completely gone but that is my next thing to work on.

I have been to he docs and we have put my meds back up. I have also got a couple of phone numbers to contact our local services for CBT! Going to call them later when DS is at nursery. I would love to get to a place where I can be confident enough in myself to believe that DH won't go off me and leave! Hopefully that will happen with the therapy.