Insecure and need help

jetplane

Have you ever heard of self fulfilling prophecy? You suggest that you split up, not because you want to, but before he beats you to it, then if he agrees you say there you go I knew that would happen.

You say things are different but are you behaving or reacting differently? Has your husband asked you to go out in the past but you have said no, if so how often? Could it be that he doesn't ask, because he doesn't want to pressure you and leaves it to you to tell him when your feeling well enough to go out?

Maybe he is stressed at work and when he comes home he wants to talk about anything but work. And are you really asking him about his day in general or are you looking for clues as to how he feels about his boss? He might feel that he is being quizzed and end the conversation.

Could it be that the something different from before is your negative thinking? It may be helpful if you look into this aspect and ask your GP about CBT?

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Not sure! but myself and the little people have lovingly made him a sweetie tree full of ferrero rocher!!.

The more I think about things, the worse I feel.

Regardless of the looks thing, things seem to be different too (although I appreciate I may be reading too much into this). I can't remember the last time he suggested we go out together; it always seems to be me. Not that we go out often, but we do get the chance.

If I ask about work (in general as I always have), he is short sometimes. After discussing this, he says it is because he is stressed with everything that is going on.

I can't help feeling there is some kind of distance between us and I can't really put my finger on it. We do kiss and cuddle and ahem, other things and are sometimes affectionate but there is something different from before.

Maybe this is a normal part of marriage, I know things can't remain the same forever.

Reading everything you have said back. Have you told him how low you feel.

You feel insecure about your weight and looks. Youve said hes done nothing but try and make you feel better.

Looking from the outside in, it doesnt look as if hes done anything to deliberately upset you.

paulineb_2

jetplane wrote: »

Have you ever heard of self fulfilling prophecy? You suggest that you split up, not because you want to, but before he beats you to it, then if he agrees you say there you go I knew that would happen.

You say things are different but are you behaving or reacting differently? Has your husband asked you to go out in the past but you have said no, if so how often? Could it be that he doesn't ask, because he doesn't want to pressure you and leaves it to you to tell him when your feeling well enough to go out?

Maybe he is stressed at work and when he comes home he wants to talk about anything but work. And are you really asking him about his day in general or are you looking for clues as to how he feels about his boss? He might feel that he is being quizzed and end the conversation.

Could it be that the something different from before is your negative thinking? It may be helpful if you look into this aspect and ask your GP about CBT?

I agree. You can get books about CBT online as well, cheaply.
I bought one when I was going through a really low patch.

Something has to change but you both need to make the effort and for your sake, trying not to analyse everything and bring it back to the way you look and how his boss looks would be a good start.

Hes married to you because he wants to be married to you, there are millions of very attractive women in the world, he wants to be with you.

Thats a very big thing, that he loves you and tries to make you feel good about yourself.

CustardAndPickles

Anoneemoose wrote: »

The more I think about things, the worse I feel.

Regardless of the looks thing, things seem to be different too (although I appreciate I may be reading too much into this). I can't remember the last time he suggested we go out together; it always seems to be me. Not that we go out often, but we do get the chance.

If I ask about work (in general as I always have), he is short sometimes. After discussing this, he says it is because he is stressed with everything that is going on.

I can't help feeling there is some kind of distance between us and I can't really put my finger on it. We do kiss and cuddle and ahem, other things and are sometimes affectionate but there is something different from before.

Maybe this is a normal part of marriage, I know things can't remain the same forever.

It can be very easy to over-analyse things, especially perhaps with the past history you've disclosed in this thread. Sometimes things really aren't that complicated, and your husband sounds simple and straightforward and honest while you twist yourself up in knots.

You've posted on here how you feel fat and hairy....so when your husband has suggested in the past you go out, how do you respond? Is it "yes, that'll be wonderful" or is it "oh no, I haven't got anything to wear / my acne is too bad today / I can't find anything to fit"? What I mean is, is going out nice and simple and fun, or does it involve your husband having to cajole and soothe and flatter in order to get you out? If it's the latter, he may just be thinking that either you don't like going out, or (especially with the new role at work) that it's just too stressful and not worth the effort.

Look at your husband's behaviour from an outsider's point of view. What you've described is a man who loves you enough to marry you despite you having a difficult past and children from a different relationship (lets face it, this would put some men off!). He loves you enough and finds you sexually attractive enough to want to have sex with you (it's not like he's running away screaming). He has - so far - handled your insecurities about your looks and fears about him straying very well.

But despite this, you are fearful of his new position at work. He's probably been as pleased as punch to have a new role - but you've not been there for him to share that with because instead of being able to share his experiences with you, he's had to reassure you about his boss. I suspect he's at least partly short in talking to you about it because he's thinking it's not that you're interested, it's that you're suspicious.

Without meaning to, I'd guess your lack of trust in him, and your disbelief of his simple love for you is actually very painful. He'd be quite justified (IMHO) in feeling hurt that you don't believe him....and that could very well be making things feel different between you. After all, how would you feel if he kept accusing you of not loving him, if he kept thinking you were going to run off and leave?

nmlc

Evening everyone

I hope you don't mind me posting but just wanted to share my experiences my thoughts and experiences with you. I've always had a battle with my weight and have yo-yo'd from being a sensible weight to be grossly overweight. I like most people in this position have tried most of the diets and diet supplements on the market - and you lose all the weight and then put it back on and some more! I was quite depressed (although I didn't acknowledge just how much at the time) and we were invited to my best friends wedding - really wanted to go but had the usual nightmare I don't have anything decent to wear and couldn't find anything I felt comfortable in because I was so fat etc, but eventually found something. It was away so we went and stayed in the hotel where she was getting married and the kids were looked after by their grandparents, we had a wonderful weekend and it was great - until I was printing off the photographs we'd taken - I had a my LBM and realised just how big I was and knew at that moment that a) I had to do something about my weight and b) knew I didn't want to be fat anymore. From that day I started eating sensibly - 3 x meals a day, no diet clubs/supplements etc, just a balanced sensible diet, (if you've done all the diets like most of us you know what you should be doing - it's just doing it!). I lost the first half stone and thought I would go to a diet club if the weight loss slowed/stopped but I just kept eating sensibly and I've lost somewhere between 4 and a half stone and five stone since June 2009 - my weight is pretty stable right now and I've been like this for 18 months, although at the moment I'm trying to lose a bit more so I have a bit more of a buffer ready for our summer hols etc! This is going to sound very indulgent but I feel to be successful and really keep the weight off for a while it has to be the most important thing in your life, you have to really really want it - I've been successful at losing weight with clubs before but find the ongoing maintenance very difficult to keep the weight stable. I haven't cut anything particular out of my diet just eat food that I know is good, wholesome and I enjoy it. I, like you suffered with IBS and after 2-3 days of starting my healthier eating my IBS symptoms had virtually disappeared I now know which foods trigger it off and steer clear from them generally, (mostly food with a lot of fat in them, some breads, too much alcohol etc). My whole relationship with food now is different too, I've always cooked and baked lots and had stopped doing it - namely so I didn't eat it and getting even bigger than I already was! Now I bake/cook all the time and don't eat what I make (have 2 x teenage boys and a DH that hoover up the goodies!) - I know that I don't want to be fat anymore and also feel so much better in myself healthwise that I don't eat foods that potentially can triggle the IBS. I do still have treats and if I want something then I have it, nothing is off limits, but I make better food choices. I now feel so much better in myself (I always maintained that my weight didn't stop me doing anything I wanted and my day to day life wasn't affected but once I started to lose the weight I realised how poorly on occasions I felt and that did stop me doing everything I wanted). In the past 4 years I've done no real amount of exercise, except it's the old saying "the more you do, the more you feel you can do", that's very true. I now do in 1 day what used to take me 2 days and I don't feel like my back is breaking at the end of it either. I'm generally content with myself and my life, obviously there's days where things don't go to plan but I'm now able to get through it and then put it behind me and move forward.

I hope you find this positive but I wouldn't now use any diet clubs etc ever again, just be sensible with the eating etc and using your knowledge from going to these places before you know what to do, so you can apply that and save yourself the money - maybe put that into a pot and use it to treat yourself to a beauty treatment, new clothes, spa day etc as a reward to first half stone/stone loss etc.

Hope something from my post may help you,

nmlc x

Anoneemoose

Gosh, thank you all so much. I really do appreciate you all taking the time to help me. Some of the things that have been posted have really hit home and have hit a nerve but you have all posted in a such a way as to not make me feel silly or stupid for being this way.

Jetplane - I had heard of self fulfilling prophecies but didn't really know what it meant (thought it was a religious thing!). I have been reading up on them and OMG how apt! I have also been looking for techniques to overcome the negative ones in the hope of turning them into positive ones.

Re: what I say when he asks if I want to go out - hand on heart I am always very enthusiastic because I love our meals out. We don't drink (well him every couple of months and me at christmas)! I can't deny there have been occasions in the past where I have felt carp because of my weight. DH often wants to go to the cinema but I tend to fall asleep if I sit in the dark for too long!!!!

Jetplane - the bit about 'something different from before' - is true and not my imagination, although I do realise that the reason for things being different may not be for bad reasons and that is where my negative thinking comes in. Before this new boss came, I used to know his old team and we went out and went to weddings together etc (we both work for the same co but in completely different depts - we actually met there!). I'm not saying that the boss is the cause of us not socialising together - it's just because things have changed and moved on and the others have gone to different depts etc). Hope that makes sense! He is stressed with work and he has said before he wants to talk about anything but that when he gets home but it has been recently when I have been asking about the progress of his application.

C&P - I honestly have always taken an interest and have been extremely supportive of his job, including now. I don't ask about the boss, mainly just general stuff, including, as I mentioned, the application progress. I always try and do things to make it easier for him as well when he has a lot on - just by doing little things when he is going from a late to early like making sure his clothes are ready ironed for him to just pop on the next morning and that he can just come home and chill.

This has really just reared it's ugly head in the last month. I have always had insecurities but have never had a 'person' to 'fixate' my insecurities on until now. I haven't said anything about the boss to him at all, because it wouldn't be fair.


Nmic - thank you for sharing your experiences. What you say makes a lot of sense. I think I have tried that many things that k don't know what to eat for the best so end up going to extremes!! I do try ans follow low gi and lowish carb because of the PCOS and i find this helps with bloating - one of my ibs symptoms.

kittendothroar

I really think you need to be kinder to yourself and accepting of your medical conditions and how it affects you. I would love to be taller thinner more toned etc but due to bad knees and muscles in general, it is not something achievable and I have to accept it. And my OH actually likes that I've gained weight, friends say I look healthy too compared to a few years back when ill health caused to drop a lot of weight.

There are some things you can do, like swimming for example is gentle and you can go at your own pace.

It is hard to accept that I am a little curvier now, and seeing pictures of celebrities all slim toned etc can be hard on most women but they do not live in the real world, with real lives and responsibilities! I am a size 12 now, which doesn't maybe seem much but to someone who has always been slim is kinda hard to accept, especially when you can't do your trousers up for work!

I find it so sad that you really can't stand your reflection and hate yourself. Its obvious that the counselling you had was not the right kind and I urge you to seek help via your gp. A quote I read recently was very inspiring 'how can you look after something you hate' and it has definitely made me see things in a better light.

Anoneemoose

Hi all,

Today has been quite good. I made an effort to wear something I feel good in this morning and took care of my appearence. I also bought myself a new little cardigan yesterday in a lovely summer colour which brightened me up a bit.

I have also had a half day at work so am home early.

I do feel a little ashamed to say that I feel good partly because 'The Boss' isn't at work today!!! I know, I know that it really shouldn't be an issue but Rome wasn't built in a day! I'll work on that too.

DH will hopefully find out in a couple of weeks whether he has got the new job. If he does, then the considerable pay rise (cross everything lol) will mean I could afford to pay for private counselling so I will hold off until we find out and then arrange it myself. If not, then I will go see my GP.

I have also decided to try and be a bit kinder to myself. It will probably be hard but I am going to give it a go.

Anoneemoose

Well, had a good couple of days yesterday and mon but am feeling really rubbish today. The boss was off the last 2 days and back today and am ashamed to say that's probably why I feel so carp. My head knows it is irrational to feel this way but my (in)sensibilities are overruling my head at the moment. I am also hormonal so that doesn't help.

We have also had a couple of bickering type 'words' about nothing in particular and these have left me feeling terrible and worried that it means something bad when really i should just laugh them off as tiffs which are par for the course!

Anoneemoose

Feeling a little more positive. I got weighed and have lost just under 6lbs. I know that it is probably mainly water but I am loads less bloated which is a big bonus!!! I also bought a pair of trousers in a size 16 which, to be fair, are reviewed as being big fitting but it is a little boost!

I know that my weight is not (well shouldn't be) the be all and end all but it does make me feel more comfy in clothes and that it itself is better.

I also know that I really should get help for these issues so I am going to have counselling. As i said before, if DH gets this job, then I'll pay, but if not, I'll pop back to my GP. I should really go back anyway as i have upped my meds again.

Funnily enough, I didn't mention anything about work when he got in last night but chatted generally. He then asked me if I was ok!!!

I am still having irrational 'wobbles' and compare myself with the boss but I am trying to not let the negative thoughts take over my head. Like I said before though, it is like an ingrained, reflex action that I want to cry when I look in the mirror and that, I think will take time to 'cure'.