Insecure and need help

Anoneemoose

Hi,

I am new here and have joined after reading lots of helpful advice and hoping i may be able to get some too.

The title says it really; I am insecure about my looks and my body. My hubby is great and has never given me any reason to feel insecure. He tells me and shows he loves me.

The thing is though, when I look in the mirror, I want to cry. I have changed so much over the last few yrs. when i met DH, I was slim confident and happy. Now, I am 3 stone overweight and due to illness, pain and medical issues, I struggle to lose any weight.

I KNOW this is MY issue but I just don't know how to fix it. I have tried reading and practising self help techniques. I have also had counselling sessions a couple of times over the years.

Lately DH has got a new boss and I can't help comparing myself with her. She is young, slim and very attractive. She reminds me of how I used to be (although I have never thought I was very attractive but I have felt confident in my 'attractiveness' before). DH gets on very well with her and it's the whole thing that makes me stupidly jealous. I hate feeling this way and like I said, I know it's about me.

I try not to let this affect our relationship and he would never know that I am jealous of his boss, because that would make him uncomfortable and as he has never given me reason to doubt him, i feel it would be unfair.

He knows how I feel about myself and has been very supportive over the years but i constantly worry that it will all get too much, sometimes I get fed up of me!

I know people may say, I should stop comparing myself to others, but I honeslty don't know how - it's like a reflex action when I look in the mirror - I hate what I see.

Sorry for the ramble, I suppose I just hope that someone might be able to share similar experiences and how they cope or maybe advise how i can help myself.

Thank you for reading.

Kayalana99

Thiers no particlar woman that im jealous of but I feel exactly the same about everything else. Im pregnat with my 2nd so hoping to lose the weight after the 2nd baby comes along..no point dieting to much atm.

I wish you all best and only thing I can say is just look after yourself abit more so you feel more postive..x

belfastgirl23

The core issue here is feeling bad about yourself. And in my mind this is what you want to address. I have been where you are - how it expressed itself was different but that feeling of worthlessness is something I know well. Set aside criticising your body and your feelings about your husbands boss - see them for what they are - symptoms of how you feel about yourself. And when you have these feelings remind yourself that they are symptoms, they are not problems in themselves.

The key thing to feeling better is to take action. Not necessarily big actions, you might not be in a place where you can do that just yet. But something. Make a commitment to yourself and stick to it. Don't be overly ambitious, make it something that you aren't currently doing that's good for you but that you can fit easily into your day. It might be going for a 10 minute walk or eating one healthy meal a day or stopping taking sugar in your tea. You need to demonstrate to yourself that you can change things. If you google 'changing habits' or 'building good habits' you'll find a lot of tips to help you. Ideally it will be something you do every single day because these are the habits that are easier to build. My instinct would be to make it an exercise thing because somehow that's a habit that seems to lead to other good habits (and by exercise, I means anything physical, not necessarily the gym or a run, walking counts). Write down your goal for the day and tick it off, or get a calender and put a tick for every day you achieve your goal. This gives a surprising sense of achievement.

Your focus should be on you and what you can do to build yourself up. I sense you've read the books but you haven't necessarily put stuff into practice (I know this syndrome well!!). To borrow a terrible americanism, you need to work on YOU to be happy, you need to develop a sense of your own value. You have been ill and had a tough time, that's hard. But now you can be like a phoenix arising from the ashes. Picture this and visualise it. Don't focus on what you're unhappy with, focus on putting one step in front of the other and making yourself happy.

I promise you, it can be done. Have faith that the future is brighter - you're in a dark place right now but if you squint you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Asking for help here is that light, you want to change and move on.

abailey54

I feel the same from time to time - I expect that a lot of women do. It's horrible when your body changes and does things you don't want it to do

If you don't mention your insecurity about his new boss then your hubby doesn't know to reassure you, which just leaves you to stew on it. You wouldn't have to be accusing in what you say, just explain what you have in your post - that this woman he works with is very attractive and you feel that you are not anymore and it makes you feel insecure

It did the above with my DH and he quickly pointed out to me that while X was always cheerful and bouncy all the time, she also was not very intelligent and a bit of a (if you'll excuse the expression) a chav - you have to remember that very few people get married based on looks alone, and inside you are still the woman he fell in love with and that will make you beautiful to him regardless of your body changes

I think it's very easy to compare ourselves with other people, but nobody's perfect as they say - I'm sure you'll have many qualities that this other woman does not have

maman

First, let me send you a great big hug!!:D

My answer is going to incredibly superficial.:o I've been where you are and hated myself for being fat. It may be difficult for you because of medication but I would definitely give Slimming World a try. I'm not a consultant or selling anything but I'd never been on a 'diet' in my like before and it's given me the 'old me' back. I lost 3.5 stone in 10 months and have kept it off for two years. It's a really healthy way to eat and not faddy at all. There's a 7 day trial menu on the website that's worth looking at.

At the same time, I can well believe that your DH loves you despite what you think of yourself. My SIL has put on loads of weight (hysterectomy, thyroid and too many biscuits IMO;)) but my BIL loves her just as much.

Good Luck.

Anoneemoose

Thanks for all of your replies.

It is nice to know there are people out there that don't judge.

I have tried a the diets going, SW worked for me years ago but I struggle to lose anything with it now. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome so I try to stick to low GI eating. I also have ME which means exercising is not always possible. My symptoms inlcude hirsuitism and acne which constantly makes me feel unfeminine because I have to keep on top of the excess hair. The ME also means I struggle to function some days and hubby is left to do a lot.

My GP is quite supportive with the medical problems but I haven't approached her for a while with my body image issues. I had NHS counselling a few yrs back but didn't really feel I was getting anywhere.

Like I say, I know the problem is with me, i just wish I could feel loke I used to. It is like I am not the 'me' I used to be. I
And I want to get back to feeling like me.

Thank you all.x

marisco_2

You have been through an awful lot with your different health issues and are now trying to cope alone with feelings of insecurity. Your husband sounds like a great guy who loves and values you just as you are. Is he aware of how low you are feeling? I would recommend talking to him and being honest about how things are for you. Let him support you and help you to feel good again. Sometimes a problem shared is halved.

mummypig321

Hi there,

I was reading your post and it struck a cord with me, three months ago my husband told me he was unhappy, my world ended! I became unwell diagnosed with depression and panic attacks however since i have got better with drugs from the g.p and support from the anxiety and depre**ion service in the form of cognitive behavioural therapy (changing thought processes from negative to positive)
my husband and i were both unhappy but we soon realised i had major insecurities and no self worth or confidence, i was unhappy in my job, feelings of being useless as a mum and had gained 2 1/2 stone since the birth of my second child we also had communication problems within our marriage due to the busy lives of both being shift workers with two young children.

I could not admit I was depressed and unhappy with how my life was.
Question for you? do you feel depressed or no interest in pleasurable things for more than two weeks? or is this something that comes and goes? if you do perhaps a visit to the g.p. might be good

So i have built myself up, both my husband and i have been to therapy and it is the best thing we could have done (communication is better now were on the same track as one another)
Job, im attending an interview for a new job on tuesday.
Im still having cbt.

As the other person commented you have to first take baby steps, maybe go for a chat with your g.p and have them assess you if you might be midly depressed, dont be scared there is help out there and it is not unreasonable for you to feel low after medical problems.

give yourself a task every day, walk to the shops or do some gardening? simple small tasks then build on them and youll find your confidence will increase.
self worth, do you nails, hair. pamper for an hour every three to four days your worth it. you dont need to spend money invite a friend round for a coffee or visit someone, exercise of the free kind go for a walk!

I have used this approach and i come from having panic attack from being alone to now applying for a new job, its taken three months but i started with my mum giving me a manicure and i also took up knitting.

Whats your hobbies? try something different when your ready, get the fun back into your life.

surprise your husband with a dvd night or a drink at the local pub. Make quality time for you both.

Believe me your husband shows you love when this stops you then need to question does he love me or fancy her or am i good enough?.

You clearly love your husband, dont dwell on another woman or something they might have because i guarantee he loves you because after all you have been through he is still beside you.

Find your spark within.
I have and i dont even question anything now.

im not a doctor or giving you medical advice. i just want you to know how i dealt with my insecurities, low confidence and no self worth. you are not alone and i really wish more people understood how we sometimes get into a trap for what ever reason and need a little help to get back to ourselves.
if there is one thing i have learnt is talk with your nearest and dearest. imagine if the shoe was on the other foot would you want to know and reassure him everything was ok?

sorry for the drawn out post, i feel for you at this time, i know its not a nice place to be. Chin up and start tomorrow after your chat!!

take care x

mummypig321

I just wanted to acknowledge your recent post and not all my suggestions would be appropiate for you but give yourself a hug both physical and mental illnesses are delibilitating and try to make the best out of a rough situation.
my sister always tells me write down words on a piece of paper that enforce confidence and self worth and make sentances everyday using the words.

for instance kind and joy

I am a very kind person and i bring joy to my family.

xx

June_Cambridge

Hi Anoneemoose,

I agree with all the other sensible advice that you've been given. You say that you love your OH and he loves you: How about you turn the tables around and your husband in your position and you are the one out working with the 'attractive' boss, would you be tempted? Would you find your husband less attractive? I know I wouldn't, I acknowledge when some one is good looking, a nice person or good fun but would never consider taking it any further. Your OH has never given you cause for concern so try to have faith in yourself and your OH. Try to action some of the suggestions that have been posted, I know it's not easy, my illness started a year ago and I can barely recognise myself in the mirror but I'm still alive and kicking and I'm grateful for that and I know that those that love me don't care what I look like. Good luck and keep posting, I'm sure that alone will help you

Anoneemoose

Thank you again for all the kind words and for taking the time to offer support.

I meant to say - I have been on anti depressants for a few years and generally feel alright with it, in fact I am currently reducing my does with my doctor's help. This body image thing has been around both when I feel up and down with the depression.

I feel awful but I always feel silly for feeling this way when I have a lot to feel grateful for. I know my health isn't the best but I am lucky that what I have isn't life threatening and that is better than some people have.

I tried to talk to DH last night and he didhis usual reassurance thing where he says if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't. And that he loves me for who I am. I think he is a little fed up of saying the same thing. And i also don't think he knows what to say, which I suppose is fair enough.

After some thought, i realise that sometimes i do that thing where I push DH away, because I believe he will go one day anyway. He has never given any indication that this is the case, of course.