Insecure and need help

Anoneemoose

DH didn't get his job and I have been trying to support him and take the weight off.

I have hardly had any communication/cuddles etc from him yet he was sat texting his boss telling her how much he appreciated her help with the whole thing. This in itself wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't for the fact that I just get the grumps and no appreciation whatsoever. Also, when I tried to talk about it, I got the 'there's no need for you to be insecure' spiel.

Am thoroughly fed up!xx

Netwizard

Also, when I tried to talk about it, I got the 'there's no need for you to be insecure' spiel.

Am thoroughly fed up!xx

To be fair OP, I think I would get pretty hacked off with you. No offense meant but if you have both sat down, talked about it in detail like this, and he has reassured you that nothing is wrong (and he does sound like a lovely guy) then I can understand him getting wound up.

At the end of the day, he is texting her infront of you. Hes not trying to hide it or do it in secret when your not there but if you keep making it an issue, he WILL start doing it in secret to stop your paranoia, but its a vicious circle because if you find out hes texting her when your not around, you will have even more reason to be suspicious.

Sorry but hes been completely honest with you and you need to cut him some slack before he gets well and truely p!ssed off and you drive him away.

Have you been to the counselling session yet?

Anoneemoose

Netwizard wrote: »

To be fair OP, I think I would get pretty hacked off with you. No offense meant but if you have both sat down, talked about it in detail like this, and he has reassured you that nothing is wrong (and he does sound like a lovely guy) then I can understand him getting wound up.

At the end of the day, he is texting her infront of you. Hes not trying to hide it or do it in secret when your not there but if you keep making it an issue, he WILL start doing it in secret to stop your paranoia, but its a vicious circle because if you find out hes texting her when your not around, you will have even more reason to be suspicious.

Sorry but hes been completely honest with you and you need to cut him some slack before he gets well and truely p!ssed off and you drive him away.

Have you been to the counselling session yet?

Thanks for the reply. Counselling is not until 31st.

My issue wasn't with him texting her - it is because of the fact that he made the effort to say thanks and show his appreciation for her help but practically blanked me and all of the support i have shown him (and I have).

I just kinda felt in this instance he took my support for granted and it wasn't worth recognising. I also didn't mention anything until long after the texts he sent to her. It was only after he (it felt like) shut me out and was really closed off that I tried to explain how I felt.

Anoneemoose

Also, when I said i wanted some appreciation for the support I'd given him, I don't mean some big, grand gesture.

Just an acknowledgement and a cuddle would have been nice and is the kind of thing that's happened in the past. He used to say things like "You're the bestest wife and I'm so glad I've got you to be there for me". So his behaviour this time is totally different from how it has been for the rest of our relationship and that is what is so upsetting, especially when he makes the effort to be grateful to someone else.

I know we have had this hanging over us but I really have made the effort to make sure he has had enough time to work on his application in peace and quiet and this has meant me taking on a lot more household tasks, which I don't mind but I struggle with due to my fibro/cfs.

Netwizard

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Also, when I said i wanted some appreciation for the support I'd given him, I don't mean some big, grand gesture.

Just an acknowledgement and a cuddle would have been nice and is the kind of thing that's happened in the past. He used to say things like "You're the bestest wife and I'm so glad I've got you to be there for me". So his behaviour this time is totally different from how it has been for the rest of our relationship and that is what is so upsetting, especially when he makes the effort to be grateful to someone else.
.

How does he react when you try and cuddle him? Maybe hes been so wrapped up in all this job crap that he has hasnt given affection and cuddles a second thought.

Now its all over and he hasnt got the job, he might return to his normal self. Why not try and help him along? Us blokes sometimes just have no idea how you women feel. Why not try a picnic? A nice walk out somewhere? Basically anything to take his mind off work and place it more on you? :beer:

marisco_2

Netwizard wrote: »

Now its all over and he hasnt got the job, he might return to his normal self. Why not try and help him along? Us blokes sometimes just have no idea how you women feel. Why not try a picnic? A nice walk out somewhere? Basically anything to take his mind off work and place it more on you? :beer:

This is a really good idea. There is nothing like spending some quality time together in a relaxing environment, to help people refocus and reconnect with each other

repeatoffender

OP I might be going against the grain but how much texting is your OH doing - I've had a scan of your thread and now that the job is gone why can he not thank her at work. There is a difference between a couple of texts to say thanks and a text conversation whether in front of you or not.

You do come across as needy and want constant reassurance from him - when he used to say you are the best did that make you feel wanted - it seems like you are testing him - he will fail.

But you know him best and your instinct is a good start - how many women on here say that their instinct was right but they were made to feel paranoid.

Sorry but perhaps he is so wrapped up in his own wants that he is actually neglecting you or is finding your neediness difficult to deal with it is hard being responsible for someone else's happiness.

Anoneemoose

Thanks Netwizard and Marisco.

We normally cuddle up on the sofa if we're watching tv together and I lean into him and he rubs my arm and hair etc.

In this instance, he was just "limp" for want of a better word, no effort at all.

Anyway, we have decided to go out for a meal together tomorrow evening and we're off together at the weekend so hopefully this should help.

Anoneemoose

repeatoffender wrote: »

OP I might be going against the grain but how much texting is your OH doing - I've had a scan of your thread and now that the job is gone why can he not thank her at work. There is a difference between a couple of texts to say thanks and a text conversation whether in front of you or not.

You do come across as needy and want constant reassurance from him - when he used to say you are the best did that make you feel wanted - it seems like you are testing him - he will fail.

But you know him best and your instinct is a good start - how many women on here say that their instinct was right but they were made to feel paranoid.

Sorry but perhaps he is so wrapped up in his own wants that he is actually neglecting you or is finding your neediness difficult to deal with it is hard being responsible for someone else's happiness.

It's not much texting, I am not too worried about the amount.

I never used to be needy and yes, when he used to say those things, it made me feel good and wanted but it was just how we were. We were both the same with each other and all 'lovey dovey'. We have always equally been that way with each other; until recently.

Edited to add: it is the change in things that I find so unsettling. We have never encountered anything like this before.

Anoneemoose

He had a short text conversation again last night. Waited until i'd gone in the kitchen and when I went back in the room, he was doing it so I asked if it was her, cos he doesn't really text anyone else out of work.

He was also being loving to me last night though.

I am now seriously considering whether I can cope with this long term. Like I have said before, I don't think he would ever cheat but I think his friendship with her is too close for me to handle.

I have been on my own before and can certainly do it again so that is what I will concentrate on for now. Thanks again to everyone.