Insecure and need help

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

Have you ever asked him why?

Yes, but he says he hasn't changed!!

paulineb_2

You know, most people need physical contact, but people dont need to be all lovey dovey, cuddling all the time to know that someone loves them.

Sometimes life gets in the way. If you know that he loves you and you feel that he loves you, I wouldnt make an issue about what or what hasnt changed, because if you were in his shoes right now, all he might be hearing is the stuff he does wrong, not the things he does well.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

You know, most people need physical contact, but people dont need to be all lovey dovey, cuddling all the time to know that someone loves them.

Sometimes life gets in the way. If you know that he loves you and you feel that he loves you, I wouldnt make an issue about what or what hasnt changed, because if you were in his shoes right now, all he might be hearing is the stuff he does wrong, not the things he does well.

Again, you're right - it is just the fact that it is so unusual for us and him. We have had 'life getting in the way things' before and this didn't happen.

I suppose the fact that it happened when he started becoming closer to the boss just exaggerated it.

marisco_2

I would urge you to give really careful and considered thought to everything, before even considering giving up on your relationship. From the way you have described what you both share together, I think you would be foolish to walk away. It is very normal for people in relationships to have friendships with those of the opposite sex.

It comes down to you knowing your husband inside out and trusting him implicitly. If you cant do that then you need to question why that is. It doesn't sound to me as if he is being secretive in any way or giving you any cause to doubt him or be concerned by his conduct. Try to address the insecurities that you feel before they push a wedge between you both.

Anoneemoose

marisco wrote: »

I would urge you to give really careful and considered thought to everything, before even considering giving up on your relationship. From the way you have described what you both share together, I think you would be foolish to walk away. It is very normal for people in relationships to have friendships with those of the opposite sex.

It comes down to you knowing your husband inside out and trusting him implicitly. If you cant do that then you need to question why that is. It doesn't sound to me as if he is being secretive in any way or giving you any cause to doubt him or be concerned by his conduct. Try to address the insecurities that you feel before they push a wedge between you both.

Thanks again. I appreciate all of the help and advice I have received.

I understand my insecurities don't help and hope I have explained adequately that this situation has highlighted these insecurities, rather than the insecurities being the sole cause of the problem.

I know people can have good friends of both sexes, I myself have in the past. It is just the newness, i suppose, combined with my health issues that make me feel like an unattractive proposition compared with the fun he has with her.

The close friend he had at the beginning of the relationship never bothered me at all. We ended up that we used to go out together and we all still get on well, in fact, I probably contact her more than him now.

I shall see how things go and will definitely wait for after my counselling. We are also going away soon so I shall maybe revisit my thoughts after this. I may seem as if I am being hasty but I just thought, if I really can't handle it, then it would be better to let him go anyway.

red_devil

Netwizard wrote: »

I'm a guy but I felt I thought I would put my own opinion in.

I have a friend like this, worried about body image and suffers depression etc. Shame really as she is lovely.

It must be hard for women. They are constantly bombarded with airbrushed images in magazines of perfect looking women with zero imperfections, and people end up thinking that this is the way they have to look.

Maybe i'm getting old, but I wouldn't want anyone who looked like that anyway. I'm far from perfect myself, so dont want some supermodel hanging off my arm. I'd rather have someone with a few lumps bumps, bit of meat on them and a great personality, rather than a stunner with the personality of a lamp post!

Your hubbie sounds ace and very supportive. He obviously loves you a lot and accepts you for who you are. Just be careful you don't push him away.

I don't really have much to add but you can be certain that your not the only one who looks in the mirror in a morning and thinks like this, but back in the real world, there are a lot of "normal" blokes just looking for Mrs average.

And just while I was sat here typing this out, I was thinking of the girls who work in our office. Most of them are fairly young mid twenties to mid thirties.
Some of them come in a morning, all dolled up, make up done, hair extensions in, stinking the place out with whatever perfume they decide to have a bath in that morning, and then, you get some of them coming in with no make up on to speak of, hair chucked back, probably eaten brekkie and finished their cuppa in a rush in order to get to work on time, and have a guess which look better?

I guess what I am trying to say in a round about way, is that natural beauty and mrs average, is much more appealing, than anything else.

Being a bloke, i'm quite happy to wonder into the office wearing £6 trousers, £6 t-shirt and £10 trainers, and couldn't really give a toss what others think. OK I wont win Cameron Diaz over, but I wouldn't want her anyway!!

There will be women out there that would kill for the figure you have OP, so don't despair

agree women are always pressured into thinking they must be slim. When you go to a beach you will see there are all different size people out there.

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Thanks again. I appreciate all of the help and advice I have received.

I understand my insecurities don't help and hope I have explained adequately that this situation has highlighted these insecurities, rather than the insecurities being the sole cause of the problem.

I know people can have good friends of both sexes, I myself have in the past. It is just the newness, i suppose, combined with my health issues that make me feel like an unattractive proposition compared with the fun he has with her.

The close friend he had at the beginning of the relationship never bothered me at all. We ended up that we used to go out together and we all still get on well, in fact, I probably contact her more than him now.

I shall see how things go and will definitely wait for after my counselling. We are also going away soon so I shall maybe revisit my thoughts after this. I may seem as if I am being hasty but I just thought, if I really can't handle it, then it would be better to let him go anyway.

Better for who? You? Him? Your kids?

I would bet that he has absolutely no idea that you have even entertained the thought of you ending the marriage.

Also, I posted something like this on my facebook page this week. I need to lose weight, depression, a broken arm and currently a bruised tailbone led to me putting on 4 stones over a 6 year period and the last few years have seen me get back to within a stone of where I want to be and shove it all back on and more.

And I appreciate that you have health issues that make it tough to diet. But weight loss is not a magic wand where if you get weight off that everything in your life will fall into place, you need to work at it and Im sure you know it.

And to get weight off me and I have lost weight in the last two months I had to say to myself, I like myself the way I am right now and if this didn't work for me, I would deal with it.

You are actually very lucky that you have someone who loves you no matter what size you are, Ive had two long term relationships with people who thought I was the size of a house when I was 9 and a half stones and a size 12.

You have to start liking and caring about yourself first and foremost, if you don't, you will end up pushing your husband away and then you'll say, well who would love me anyway.

Its yourself you need to do the work on, no matter what current size you are.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

Better for who? You? Him? Your kids?

I would bet that he has absolutely no idea that you have even entertained the thought of you ending the marriage.

Also, I posted something like this on my facebook page this week. I need to lose weight, depression, a broken arm and currently a bruised tailbone led to me putting on 4 stones over a 6 year period and the last few years have seen me get back to within a stone of where I want to be and shove it all back on and more.

And I appreciate that you have health issues that make it tough to diet. But weight loss is not a magic wand where if you get weight off that everything in your life will fall into place, you need to work at it and Im sure you know it.

And to get weight off me and I have lost weight in the last two months I had to say to myself, I like myself the way I am right now and if this didn't work for me, I would deal with it.

You are actually very lucky that you have someone who loves you no matter what size you are, Ive had two long term relationships with people who thought I was the size of a house when I was 9 and a half stones and a size 12.

You have to start liking and caring about yourself first and foremost, if you don't, you will end up pushing your husband away and then you'll say, well who would love me anyway.

Its yourself you need to do the work on, no matter what current size you are.

For all of us, I suppose. Surely, if I can't handle this, then it is better to be honest?

I have said I will work on me but I cannot guarantee this will work. If it does, great. If not, then it is unfair to carry on.

I know weight isn't the be all and end all, it is the whole situation though, not just my weight that I am uncomfortable with.

I might be odd for feeling the way I do but I am being honest when I say I cannot handle their relationship at present.

paulineb_2

Why cant you handle their friendship? And what are you going to do if this friendship ends and then he meets another female? You cant go through life expecting your partner not to have friends of the opposite sex, regardless of whether its a boss or not.

I think even thinking about throwing in the towel over this woman when your husband has told you theres nothing going on, isn't something you have thought through rationally.

Its going to affect you, him, the kids and all because of one woman who you know isn't having any kind of physical relationship with him?

You can carry on and deal with the feelings you have and work through whatever the issues you have that is making this friendship cause you so much upset.

It is possible.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

Why cant you handle their friendship? And what are you going to do if this friendship ends and then he meets another female? You cant go through life expecting your partner not to have friends of the opposite sex, regardless of whether its a boss or not.

I think even thinking about throwing in the towel over this woman when your husband has told you theres nothing going on, isn't something you have thought through rationally.

Its going to affect you, him, the kids and all because of one woman who you know isn't having any kind of physical relationship with him?

You can carry on and deal with the feelings you have and work through whatever the issues you have that is making this friendship cause you so much upset.

It is possible.

I can't handle the closeness they have and the 'seemingly' negative effect this has had on our relationship.

Our relationship has changed and I can only put this down to the change in intensity of the friendship with her.

I am very appreciative of all your comments and the time you have taken to post. I know it may seem silly but I cannot handle the fact he makes more effort to be appreciative of her and not me!