Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?

MrsDrink

I may be totally overstepping the mark but...

What is it you love about your wife?
I agree with others who say you need to talk - properly talk - together, not just one of you ranting at the other. And listen to each other. Not just about the housework. Why are you together? Remind each other of that, and then tackle the problems together.

andygb

victory wrote: »

I am another one that feels this is about the wife being resentful of her OH staying at home, no one talks to another person with such anger/resentment/venom in their voice if there is not another reason why and it is not the life the wife thought she would have...

THe wife thought she would have an OH that went out to work, earnt a decent wage, they went on hols together, out for meals, not having silly petty rows over whether the tv stand has been dusted, who would have thought that? Certainly not the wife....

Not letting the friends round is snobbery, misguided, it's 'do I have to let everyone know that my OH is not in employment? Do I have to tell them he cleans the house? It's just daft, misguided, self protection.

I am sure the wife has a lot of empathy for the illnesses, for the pain, but also has resentment that the pain stops it being spotless, stops it being the way she wants it, stops the world around her being perfect.

Perfection doesn't exist, it is an illusion in the head, a cover up for everything not going as hoped, something to attack that doesn't actually exist.

To make sure you can do exactly what your pain allows is to tell her, I can do this and that and I am fine, if I do this it causes me untold pain and makes my life a misery which in turn will make me difficult to live with etc

Your wife can do things, she does not need her breakfast made for her,that is your way of making sure she sees you as helpful, useful, that she can need you and depend on you, she does not need to be spoilt and modicodled she can do it herself.

You may feel that because you are not at work you are not contributing but you are, your wife knows you are, you know you are doing your best, you need to talk, set boundaries, talk some more and let her know how her comments and actions make you feel.

That is a great post because it concerns a lot of the key issues, particularly the one which I have highlighted about her friends.
We have been out socialising with a lot of them, but never returned the favour, and I have often suggested that she invite people over, but she always makes the excuse that our house is "in a state" - which it isn't. She is always very "liberal" with the truth when it comes to my unemployment - she is ashamed of it, as if nobody else in the UK is the same as me:(
The reason why I get up early and make her breakfast, is to keep a lot of discipline in my life, and not turn into a "Jeremy Kyle Zombie".
I am not really sure that she does have any empathy about my medical conditions, one of which could have killed me and will be with me for the rest of my life. The CTS makes working with tools and kitchen equipment a bit hazardous at times, but she is content to let me loose, so she will have to put up with the swearing when things get broken. She was told by our GP and a specialist at Guys Hospital that she should look after me, but I think that has gone out the window. I must admit when they said that, I had to restrain myself from laughing.

Pixiechic

It sounds like your wife has unrealistic expectations taking into account your health issues.

Her nit picking and high standards can be very high, given that she isn't doing it!

Do you ever invite friends round the house?

andygb

MrsDrink wrote: »

I may be totally overstepping the mark but...

What is it you love about your wife?
I agree with others who say you need to talk - properly talk - together, not just one of you ranting at the other. And listen to each other. Not just about the housework. Why are you together? Remind each other of that, and then tackle the problems together.

We have been together for 23 years, and we have had our ups and downs, but I feel it is the unwanted and potentially destructive interference from relatives (on both sides - I am not biased) which has had a bit of a corrosive effect on our relationship.
I look forward to her coming home each night, and I miss her if we are apart, and I will defend her against anyone.
Our GP once suggested to her that she sees things in a negative light - a "glass half empty" type of person as he put it, and he is right. This would certainly explain the constant criticism and search for perfection - a search which is of course doomed to fail.

paulineb_2

I think theres much more to all of this than just issues around housework.

Of couse everyone has different standards when it comes to housework. Some people might want to have spotless houses all the time, but depending on people's circumstances something could be spotless and then an hour later, messy.

My house is lived in, if theres a speck of dust or two somewhere when people come round its not the end of the world.

Ive been to peoples homes where there was nothing out of place, Ive also been to people's homes that were extremely messy and untidy, a friend of mine has health problems and doesnt get much support from her kids and her house is messy but that doesnt affect my friendship with her.

You may still love one another a lot but theres obviously some resentment simmering away there on both sides, her because you are at home (possibly), you because you feel unappreciated.

Add work stress into the mix. Have you considered talking to someone about this, either on your own or in a couple?

andygb

Pixiechic wrote: »

It sounds like your wife has unrealistic expectations taking into account your health issues.

Her nit picking and high standards can be very high, given that she isn't doing it!

Do you ever invite friends round the house?

One of my mates came around last week, the first time either of us had invited anyone - bar the meter reader:D - around in nearly a year:eek:
This shocks me, because I am naturally a very sociable person. I enjoy good company and conversation.
She didn't really want my mate to visit, but I just convinced her.
I fear that in her eyes, our house will never be fit to invite anyone to.

andygb

paulineb wrote: »

I think theres much more to all of this than just issues around housework.

Of couse everyone has different standards when it comes to housework. Some people might want to have spotless houses all the time, but depending on people's circumstances something could be spotless and then an hour later, messy.

My house is lived in, if theres a speck of dust or two somewhere when people come round its not the end of the world.

Ive been to peoples homes where there was nothing out of place, Ive also been to people's homes that were extremely messy and untidy, a friend of mine has health problems and doesnt get much support from her kids and her house is messy but that doesnt affect my friendship with her.

You may still love one another a lot but theres obviously some resentment simmering away there on both sides, her because you are at home (possibly), you because you feel unappreciated.

Add work stress into the mix. Have you considered talking to someone about this, either on your own or in a couple?

Great post Pauline.
I would willingly talk to someone, but I have suggested it to my wife and she would not have it.
Our house is lived in but very clean and all the decor is in good shape.
I hope that my OH is not turning into her mum though, because her mum definitely has OCD regarding cleaning and other household jobs, and she is demanding to the point of being insulting with people who do jobs for her. You wouldn't want to be waiting behind her mum at a grocers or butchers, where she would compare sizes of vegetables, or ask for every piece of meat to be weighed - absolute nightmare - life is too short:eek:

Pixiechic

Did you have to have permission then to invite your friend round?

It's good that you invited him anyway and you should continue to. Maybe your wife will see that your house is fine for guests and relax a bit.

Your wife doesn't have the right to dictate your life to you, just because she earns the money doesn't mean that she owns you

mummyroysof3

We have similar problems here where my husband thinks I have an easy life compared to him. I get up at least 2 hours before he has to have 3 children one of which has a disability, do 3 school runs, do all the washing, cleaning, shopping, meal making etc and study for a degree. I admit its easier in some ways than going to work but its not easy either.

If he nitpicks then he can can do it himself cos I don't want a show home it just needs to be clean and tidy most of the time.

andygb

Pixiechic wrote: »

Did you have to have permission then to invite your friend round?

It's good that you invited him anyway and you should continue to. Maybe your wife will see that your house is fine for guests and relax a bit.

Your wife doesn't have the right to dictate your life to you, just because she earns the money doesn't mean that she owns you

My mate enjoyed it as well, and commented how calm and relaxing our place was (he has two young lads). I did get a bit of an inquisition about what we talked about when he had left - as if she would be interested in football, cars and rock music;)