Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?

andygb

coolcait wrote: »

So, one spouse constantly criticises and undermines the other - including when they're with friends.

In fact, this spouse speaks critically of the other when talking to friends when the other spouse isn't there.

The critical spouse doesn't want friends to come to the couple's house. The other spouse - who doesn't work- hasn't had any visitors to the shared home until very recently. Even then, the critical spouse was unhappy about this. It seems like a very isolated way for the other spouse to live.

One poster stated that "no one talks to another person with such anger/resentment/venom in their voice if there is not another reason why".

In many ways, that sums up the attitude which is coming across on this thread. Although it is not the usual response to a poster who tells of being spoken to with anger/resentment/venom in the voice of the person addressing them.

There are many theories about the reasons why the critical spouse is being critical of the other spouse. There is an element of group criticism of the criticised spouse.

There is very little in the way of criticism of the critical spouse - which is unusual on threads like this one.

The other spouse told a story which drew particular attention - and criticism - on the thread. It was the tale of the 'locked' door. I found it interesting to see how others saw the story differently from the way I saw it.

As I read it, the critical spouse - as ever - left it up to the other spouse to carry out a task. The other spouse was satisfied with the way the task had been carried out, but the critical spouse insisted that the other spouse re-check the task - even though it was the critical spouse who was dissatisfied/unwilling to accept that the task had been carried out.

It's very easy to sit back from carrying out a task, and then relentlessly criticise those who do actually carry it out. It's a very particular form of power - and abuse of power. Sometimes the criticiser does need to be reminded that they are not absolved of all responsibility for the tasks, just because they have decided not to carry them out.

It may well be that the critical spouse has outmoded views about gender roles, or has hormone fluctuations which cause mood swings, or any other reason which las been listed on - or missed from - this thread.

If so, the critical spouse needs to take responsibility for their negative and undermining behaviour towards the other spouse. Before it gets to the stage where even this thread finds it impossible to avoid mentioning the 'a' word.

The other spouse may also need to make changes to their own behaviour - but that is a separate issue from the fact that the critical spouse's behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptabel in a loving relationship - and the responsibility for changing that lies entirely in the hands of the critical spouse.

Do you do this as a living, because I am very impressed with your very logical approach to the situation.
The reluctance to undertake tasks, and then the almost forensic investigation afterwards, followed by the inevitable criticism, is really disheartening.
I do feel isolated, because I feel that my friends (even relations) have been driven away by her "frosty" behaviour, and her criticism (to me only) of them.
The "locked door" incident happened this weekend, and it really wound me up for several reasons. As a result of my various health problems, I have high blood pressure, and short term memory problems - my OH is well aware of this. If I am not stressed out then I can function well, but if a lot of pressure/stress is applied then I can go to pieces.
She applied a form of pressure and would not relent.

mummyroysof3

I sympathise about the door incident. If I lock up hubby questions if I have done it then even though I'm sure I go check just to shut him up but if he locks up I don't question him about it lol

victory

andygb wrote: »

Do you do this as a living, because I am very impressed with your very logical approach to the situation.
The reluctance to undertake tasks, and then the almost forensic investigation afterwards, followed by the inevitable criticism, is really disheartening.
I do feel isolated, because I feel that my friends (even relations) have been driven away by her "frosty" behaviour, and her criticism (to me only) of them.
The "locked door" incident happened this weekend, and it really wound me up for several reasons. As a result of my various health problems, I have high blood pressure, and short term memory problems - my OH is well aware of this. If I am not stressed out then I can function well, but if a lot of pressure/stress is applied then I can go to pieces.
She applied a form of pressure and would not relent.

THis answer is yet again what I have been saying previously, it is resentment, anger, frustration, the ahhhhhhhhhh, how did this life that I have become this way and your wife feeling the same but with the added pressure as she sees it with a job and having to be head of the household, the wage earner, when she does not want to.

To use an illness to her advantage shows that she is not coping with her less than perfect life she has in her head but has not worked out for her.

You on the other hand cannot let what she says or how she behaves wash over you and take it with a pinch of salt, it seems to be your all, the way she behaves towards you, her pickiness, she must know this and is abusing it.

andygb

victory wrote: »

THis answer is yet again what I have been saying previously, it is resentment, anger, frustration, the ahhhhhhhhhh, how did this life that I have become this way and your wife feeling the same but with the added pressure as she sees it with a job and having to be head of the household, the wage earner, when she does not want to.

To use an illness to her advantage shows that she is not coping with her less than perfect life she has in her head but has not worked out for her.

You on the other hand cannot let what she says or how she behaves wash over you and take it with a pinch of salt, it seems to be your all, the way she behaves towards you, her pickiness, she must know this and is abusing it.

First of all, I feel quite guilty for starting this thread, because yesterday evening and this morning were fine, no problems, no rants or aguments.
I think that another problem with the constant search for perfection, is that she (and her whole family) are quite image conscious, in fact one set of relations (who we have broken ties with), seem to base their whole life on projecting a certain image to others - what they wear, where, they go on holiday, you get the idea.
I on the other hand am quite down to earth, and don't really need lots of material things to make me happy, or the constant approval/praise of my peers.
The other thing which I do not do or like, is judging people based purely on their looks - height, size, skin colour, feaures. I prefer to get to know someone before I pass judgement. Unfortunately one of my OH's relations made a nasty comment about a minor physical blemish (for want of a better word) which I have, and as a result of that I have refused to ever have any contact with the family again. My OH did not see why it was such a big deal for me, and blames me for the situation which has become more complicated (we have not seen the family for a few years, because they have never apologised to me).
Anyway, enough of this, because I am off to a local timber merchant to get some wood to make raised beds in the garden:D

marisco_2

Firstly I think it is horrendous that a member of your OHs family spoke so rudely to you about a minor physical blemish. What a tactless and inconsiderate way to behave. Some people are so rude aren't they.

From what you describe of your OHs relations andy, they sound like very shallow people. I am wondering if the way they choose to live their lives truly makes them happy. Anyone who seeks the constant approval of others in order to feel good about themselves has issues in my opinion and is setting themselves up for disappointment.

Just like yourself andy I have standards. I do take a pride in my appearance, I work hard because I want to support myself and be proud of standing on my own two feet, I keep my home clean and tidy (though not to obsessive levels, I have two kids who run amok and play so that would be unachievable) and I have aims and ambitions that I am working toward. I do this for myself though and other people can take me or leave me. I don't go about trying to project a certain image to try and keep up with the joneses. I think people who feel the necessity to do that have inferiority complexes.

Frith

AndyGB- could you invite a friend round to your house for coffee once a week while your wife is at work?

Mojisola

andygb wrote: »

First of all, I feel quite guilty for starting this thread, because yesterday evening and this morning were fine, no problems, no rants or aguments.

Don't feel guilty - an anonymous thread on a forum can be a good way of letting off steam! The replies will usually come from a variety of people with a range of experiences and attitudes and can help you put things in perspective.

andygb

Frith wrote: »

AndyGB- could you invite a friend round to your house for coffee once a week while your wife is at work?

To be honest, and I know this makes me sound like a "Billy no mates", the guy who came around last week works during the day, and I have lost contact with other mates from the past, a lot have moved away from the area.

thehappybutterfly

Frith wrote: »

AndyGB- could you invite a friend round to your house for coffee once a week while your wife is at work?

Frith - are you offering yourself? A coffee eh? I know your sort!

Actually Andy - I was going to ask you to marry me. You sound lovely!! Not sure what my current hubby would have to say though......

harrys_nan

Andy,
You sound a lovely down to earth grounded man, shame about your other half.
The trouble is, I think, that you both gew up with different ideals and now have a different outlook on life. I bet I know who deep down is the happiest out of the two of you Your wife will never have your outlook on life and people because she has grownup with people that think they are the bees knees.
I'm sorry that there is some discontentment (sp?) there, keep your outlook on life, I know who I would sooner be friends with xx