Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?

andygb

Cheers for the comments, some of them really made me laugh.
Thinking about the situation, this seeking perfection and then telling tales - albeit tales which are "whoppers", kind of ties in with her "embellishing" stories, wildly exaggerating events at times, and sometimes being a drama queen.
I am wondering if within her own mind, she really does think that our house is a tip? If you are always seeing the negative side of things, then maybe that will make you paint your own situation a lot worse than it really is?

LannieDuck

She probably sees the things that didn't get done during the day rather than the things that did.

paulineb_2

The thing is as well, just because she works 40 hours a week, I dont think its realistic to spend doing the equivalent time in housework just so you are doing something meaningful so to speak.

If she lived on her own and worked full time, which Ive done in the past and did for several years, shed need to do her own housework in the evenings and on the weekends.

andygb

pollypenny wrote: »

You don't mention any kids or pets, Andy.

If there are just the two of you how long does your housework, cooking, laundry etc take?

No children or pets.
I cook everything from scratch, including bread making.
It is difficult to accurately tell how long everything takes, because I literally do everything as explained in one of the earlier posts. Last week I spent six hours one day in the damp trying to sort out a problem on our second car, replacing a few bits and bobs, which would have cost £££'s in a garage.
The next day I was making fences and a gate, because that is cheaper and better than ready made - that job still isn't finished.
The week before last I must have spent three or four hours one day sorting out insurance for the cars and home.
I wash both the cars, I have always liked a nice, clean car because it enables you to see bodywork dfects quicker and they are worth more when you come to sell them.
Today I have spent a long time on here, both on this forum and doing job searches, which is in itself very time consuming.
Because we (or rather I) cook all our own food (apart from the odd crafty curry;)) I clean the oven once a week, because it takes about an hour and a half, but makes it easier to clean every time. If I clean the kitchen thoroughly including the tiled floor, that can take three hours - floor, worktops, sink, taps, extractor, hob, cupboards - it takes four different cleaning solutions, but looks great and smells nice.

valk_scot

So when you were both working who did the housework then? When did it get done? And to what standard? And did you have friends round then?

paulineb_2

Im sitting here thinking, theres much more to life than housework. I appreciate there are things you need to keep up with around the house, but where is the fun in your life?

Its all about what jobs need done, what jobs dont need done, I personally know people who think their house is a state when theres nothing wrong with it at all.

And tbh, because of everything else thats going on at work, your wife might be suffering from stress, depression. She seems fixated on the house and all of the stuff that needs to be done and isnt getting done.

But shes quite happy to get breakfast in bed at 6am every morning. There are many households where one person works and the other doesnt, but it doesnt need to turn into some kind of power struggle where one person, the breadwinner is perceived to do something thats more worthwhile because it pays the bills and yes, thats a massive contribution.

But something needs to change in this situation and soon I think.

nearlyrich

I work FT DH is retired kids have left home so it's just us, he makes a cup of tea every morning and 99 times out of 100 he cooks the evening meal. He does cut the grass, empty the bins, hoover etc and I never tell him it's not as good as I would do it, I do the washing we shop together. We both like the house to be tidy and we are lucky we have room to hide the projects etc..

I wish I could afford to be at home but I have plans to retire at 55 (not too far away now) so I don't begrudge him his life of doing what he wants when he wants.

jellyhead

andygb wrote: »

We go to the gym together, or go for long walks, and most of the time we get on really well.
The problem is, that sometimes, out of nowhere, she will go into a rant which to my mind is unexplainable, and sometimes involves something really petty, like putting the bins out or the ridiculous dusting thing.

I haven't read to the end of the thread yet, but just wondered how old is your wife, and might she be getting a bit, ahem, menopausal? I've been a moody cow for a couple of months now, and ended up seeing my GP about it recently and getting something. It hasn't worked yet - I still hate everybody

Oh, and those black gloss TV units are horrible. My husband insisted that it was the only one that was the correct size for our tiny room that could hold all of the 'necessary' technological bits and bobs, but it's a pig to dust. My preferred method of dusting is to close the blinds while the sun is shining, then we can't see the dust

I have to say I'd be very hurt if he told anyone he thought I didn't do enough around the house. Maybe she's stressed about something, or is just feeling angry for no real reason, and doesn't realise how unkind she's being?

squirrelchops

I wonder if it is about perception rather than the actual things you are contributing to the household and whether, in fact she is actually jealous.

By this I mean you have time at home and she doesn't - she may think you do naff all, as she is, in fact, projecting her dissatisfaction onto you.

coolcait

So, one spouse constantly criticises and undermines the other - including when they're with friends.

In fact, this spouse speaks critically of the other when talking to friends when the other spouse isn't there.

The critical spouse doesn't want friends to come to the couple's house. The other spouse - who doesn't work- hasn't had any visitors to the shared home until very recently. Even then, the critical spouse was unhappy about this. It seems like a very isolated way for the other spouse to live.

One poster stated that "no one talks to another person with such anger/resentment/venom in their voice if there is not another reason why".

In many ways, that sums up the attitude which is coming across on this thread. Although it is not the usual response to a poster who tells of being spoken to with anger/resentment/venom in the voice of the person addressing them.

There are many theories about the reasons why the critical spouse is being critical of the other spouse. There is an element of group criticism of the criticised spouse.

There is very little in the way of criticism of the critical spouse - which is unusual on threads like this one.

The other spouse told a story which drew particular attention - and criticism - on the thread. It was the tale of the 'locked' door. I found it interesting to see how others saw the story differently from the way I saw it.

As I read it, the critical spouse - as ever - left it up to the other spouse to carry out a task. The other spouse was satisfied with the way the task had been carried out, but the critical spouse insisted that the other spouse re-check the task - even though it was the critical spouse who was dissatisfied/unwilling to accept that the task had been carried out.

It's very easy to sit back from carrying out a task, and then relentlessly criticise those who do actually carry it out. It's a very particular form of power - and abuse of power. Sometimes the criticiser does need to be reminded that they are not absolved of all responsibility for the tasks, just because they have decided not to carry them out.

It may well be that the critical spouse has outmoded views about gender roles, or has hormone fluctuations which cause mood swings, or any other reason which las been listed on - or missed from - this thread.

If so, the critical spouse needs to take responsibility for their negative and undermining behaviour towards the other spouse. Before it gets to the stage where even this thread finds it impossible to avoid mentioning the 'a' word.

The other spouse may also need to make changes to their own behaviour - but that is a separate issue from the fact that the critical spouse's behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptabel in a loving relationship - and the responsibility for changing that lies entirely in the hands of the critical spouse.