Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?

valk_scot

Treevo wrote: »

My point is that someone with at least forty hours a week of nothing to do should be easily be able to keep a house spotless.

I suppose if I spent forty hours a week actually cleaning the house mine would be spotless, yes. But then when would I do the shopping, cooking, laundry, mending, DIY, paperwork and gardening? Not to mention things like homework with the kids, driving them round to clubs and such, parental commitments etc that take up quite a bit of after school and evening time during the week.

Come to think of it they're only out of the house for a maximum of 32 hours per week anyway so that's even less time to clean non stop...oh, knock off a 30 minute lunch break and two 15 minute tea breaks too, that brings it down to just over 28 hours of straight cleaning time, even if I never did anything else but that.

Anyway I don't live in a modern house with compact little rooms, some of my rooms have 18' high ceilings and the hall is 40' long. Just to dust down the cornices, wash down the doors and skirtings, take the marks off the walls, polish the brasswork, wash the three windows and hoover is a full morning of work and that's just the hall. I really would have to spend at least forty hours a week doing absolutely nothing else but clean to keep a place this size spotless. And it would last just as long as it took the kids and OH to walk the length of the hall for there to be quite a few spots, belive me.


OP, you sound just like any stay at home partner in that you feel overworked and underappreciated. It's bloody boring 90% of the time after all, doing routine no-brainer chores the results of which barely last hours. However if you're in charge of the house you should Be In Charge, no moaning from the sidelines about standards unless the moaner is willing to pitch in to raise said standards. (This assumes that you're covering the bases to a minimum standard of hygiene and liveability but sod the "spotless" bit). If it's your job she shouldn't be trying to control it too.

it does sound though as if she's displacing some of her work frustrations onto you actually, you'll be a softer target than her work collegues especially as you do seem to be a nice caring person that is very much trying to do your share. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk though before things polarise further. If she's resentful about you staying at home while she goes out to work then this should get pulled out into the open rather than her take it out on you, similarly if you possibly feel that your efforts should be given extra appreciation because you're a bloke (some blokes think this, belive me, apologies if it is not the case here) then this should also be admitted.

And keep the weekends clear even if the chores aren't finished. Ask the friends round yourself and just get on with your social life. If they're real friends they won't give a rat's behind as to whether your house is "spotless" anyway.

victory

I am another one that feels this is about the wife being resentful of her OH staying at home, no one talks to another person with such anger/resentment/venom in their voice if there is not another reason why and it is not the life the wife thought she would have...

THe wife thought she would have an OH that went out to work, earnt a decent wage, they went on hols together, out for meals, not having silly petty rows over whether the tv stand has been dusted, who would have thought that? Certainly not the wife....

Not letting the friends round is snobbery, misguided, it's 'do I have to let everyone know that my OH is not in employment? Do I have to tell them he cleans the house? It's just daft, misguided, self protection.

I am sure the wife has a lot of empathy for the illnesses, for the pain, but also has resentment that the pain stops it being spotless, stops it being the way she wants it, stops the world around her being perfect.

Perfection doesn't exist, it is an illusion in the head, a cover up for everything not going as hoped, something to attack that doesn't actually exist.

To make sure you can do exactly what your pain allows is to tell her, I can do this and that and I am fine, if I do this it causes me untold pain and makes my life a misery which in turn will make me difficult to live with etc

Your wife can do things, she does not need her breakfast made for her,that is your way of making sure she sees you as helpful, useful, that she can need you and depend on you, she does not need to be spoilt and modicodled she can do it herself.

You may feel that because you are not at work you are not contributing but you are, your wife knows you are, you know you are doing your best, you need to talk, set boundaries, talk some more and let her know how her comments and actions make you feel.

andygb

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I think your Mrs sounds like a bit of a pain in the backside. If she wants things that perfect she can do it herself.

HBS x

I have to say that if she did it, I would have to do it over again, because I tend to do a pretty thorough job.
Back before I got married I used to restore classic cars as a hobby, and I hate things being not quite right.
I was really embarrased a few years, when one of my mates painted our kitchen and hall - for "mates rates". He is a good, reliable guy, and he made a decent job of it, but the OH went around try to find fault, pointing out miniscule blemishes - more to do with the state of our walls. She kept wanting me to have a word with him about it, even speaks about it now.
If her own working standards were so high then I could understand her expecting the same from other people, but the truth is that she is pretty slapdash when it comes to work.

valk_scot

So you're saying she's a nitpicker rather than anything actually being amiss? Oh well, in that case you're very right to be a bit peeved and then a bit more. So...can you ignore it for the sake of family harmony, turn it into a bit of a joke even? Or do you want to have a sit down talk that may well turn into a blazing row?

It does still sound as if her stress at work is spilling over onto you though. This sort of thing is usually tolerated in small (very small) doses by loving spouses but resentment soon builds up if it's not addressed.

andygb

Rexxsi wrote: »

It seems to me like she's frustrated that she is the only one bringing money into the relationship... I might be wrong, might be right, but the only way of finding out is to talk to her.

I totally agree that this could be a large part of it, and what she has to understand, is that it is just as frustrating for me.
I have no income, I speak to nobody during the day, and I receive barely any replies for the countless jobs which I apply for.
The only real communication I have is through this and other forums.
I don't mind getting up at 6 every morning, or doing the various jobs. I actually like being an organised person, keeping all the paperwork in order, and a bit of gardening and DIY is an absolute joy, even if it is quite painful at times (or usually the day after:().
My real problem is with the lack of appreciation, the odd grunt instead of a "thank you", and the endless nitpicking for no good reason.

lostinrates

andygb wrote: »

My real problem is with the lack of appreciation, the odd grunt instead of a "thank you", and the endless nitpicking for no good reason.

Ah, this is the cry of many sahspouses, regardless of gender or whatever.

What would she think if you gave her this thread to read to initiate a meaningful communication over the issue?

andygb

valk_scot wrote: »

So you're saying she's a nitpicker rather than anything actually being amiss? Oh well, in that case you're very right to be a bit peeved and then a bit more. So...can you ignore it for the sake of family harmony, turn it into a bit of a joke even? Or do you want to have a sit down talk that may well turn into a blazing row?

It does still sound as if her stress at work is spilling over onto you though. This sort of thing is usually tolerated in small (very small) doses by loving spouses but resentment soon builds up if it's not addressed.

I have tried the lighthearted approach and she just kept ranting on. I have tried talking to her, but she starts shouting and swearing.
She has a certain amount of stress at work, but she isn't exactly the most conscientious worker, and she doesn't appreciate others telling her about her shortcomings.
Up until 2005, I was doing 14 hour days (including commuting), in jobs where stress was being fired at me from all angles, where a couple of hundred people could be looking at me for answers, and then kick off if the answer which they expected was not forthcoming.

pesky85

Treevo wrote: »

I can kind of see both sides. On the one hand you're not working so you should be doing all the cleaning and frankly the house should be spotless. It doesn't take that much effort unless you live in a mansion.

I have to say I disagree with that. On the weekends they're both not working therefore she should contribute to housework too. It would also be nice for her to sometimes cook for them both - he may not work but he's not employed by her, they are partners.

My husband works incredibly hard and will always help around the house when he gets home. He will cook for us all, do bath and bedtime for the children and never complain.

Yes I should, and do, the lions share of the household chores. But just because I don't work, doesn't mean I should wait on my husband hand and foot.

pollypenny

I can see both sides here.

OH retired two years before I did and took over the housework & cooking.

I don't think he knew there was such a thing as a duster and hoovered around furniture, thinking it was planted and immovable.

However, he used to boast about how he ran the house.

Maybe Andy' s wife is fed up and , unlike me, she can't see an end to her being the only one working outside the home.

lostinrates

andygb wrote: »

I have tried the lighthearted approach and she just kept ranting on. I have tried talking to her, but she starts shouting and swearing.
She has a certain amount of stress at work, but she isn't exactly the most conscientious worker, and she doesn't appreciate others telling her about her shortcomings.
Up until 2005, I was doing 14 hour days (including commuting), in jobs where stress was being fired at me from all angles, where a couple of hundred people could be looking at me for answers, and then kick off if the answer which they expected was not forthcoming.

Mid rant is rarely the best time to wade in with humour. It works for dh and I , but he is particularly cleaver about it and I am the first to crack a smile or laugh at myself .

There is more than one issue here ImO.

There is you feeling unappreciated as a sahh.

There is her frustration (even if misplaced)

There are your two characters ...which can be broken down further in to what you each expect, and how you react and communicate.


Ironically, you mention she doesn't like to be told about her shortcomings but is happy to tell you (who also doesn't like it). I think this might be a traight of many perfectionists. That's the kind of thing that I have learnt to laugh at about myself. :)