Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?

andygb

First of all, I want to point out, that I am unemployed but do not get any benefits at all. My wife works and I really appreciate that fact, however I do ALL the work in and around the house, yet my wife has been telling her friends that the reason she doesn't invite them around is because I do nothing and the house is in a state:mad:
For starters, our house is in pretty good order and always looks tidy - not surgically clean. Our bathroom/loo is probably as clean, bright and nice smelling as anyone's. The kitchen is modern, clean, airy and light with a great view, and our living room is not cluttered, light and welcoming.
The garden is a problem, but this weekend just highlighted my frustration. We have had three days of great weather, and every single day my OH wanted to "go out", so we had three days of going around the shops plus two nice long walks in the countryside.
This of course meant that the garden was not touched, and this is why my OH had a rant about how I was supposed to get the garden done during the week, how she worked and that evenings and weekends were her "rest time". So today, I was going to do some work in the garden but it is lashing down with rain and there are puddles everywhere. The same applied to last week, most days we had heavy rain.
The problem is, that I am expected to work (although this is not counted as work) every single day of the week.
The following are things which my OH NEVER does, and to my knowledge never has done even when I was working:
Washing the cars, making breakfast (I have always done the majority of the cooking), gardening, DIY (painting and decorating, car repairs, household repairs), vacuuming the house, cleaning the oven (she would not know where to start) and hob. If she cleans the bathroom, then very often I have to do it again, because the taps have not been done.
The reason for highlighting the last point about the taps not being cleaned, is because my OH tries to force others to work to incredibly high standards - if we have tradesmen in (electrics, plumbing etc), she is never happy and everyone who does work for us goes away in a bad mood - and then I get the blame because I was the one who got them in:(
So, it isn't just me the OH is critical of, it is everyone (including moaning about her workmates when she comes home).
I know that she is under pressure, being the one who is working, but she has simply "opted out" of doing anything around the house, and will not even acknowledge what I do.

balletshoes

Just your first paragraph was enough for me, I'd be hurt and upset if I knew my OH was saying to friend I do nothing and the house is a state (especially when you go on to say how much you do in the house).

It does sound like your OH has unrealisticially high expectations, and not just of you.

I'm not a fan of housework, I do enough to keep things ticking over, and my OH (who until he lived with me never did a stroke of housework in his life) did once say something to me about, I think it was, the floor needing hoovered. I calmly told him he knew where the hoover was as he'd seen me use it, and if he thought the work needed to be done, he had eyes and full body function, so he could do it. He didn't (he appears to have some sort of allergic reaction to hoovers :rotfl:) but he's never ever moaned about it since.

MrsDrink

"Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?"
Depends. Have you told her all the above?

lazer

Personally, if one partner is at home I would expect them to get all the housework, DIY, gardening etc done while the other is at work.

The evenings and weekends should then be rest time for both - the only thing that really needs done is cooking and cleaning dishes - and IMO this should be shared at weekends.

From reading your post it appears as if your wife's definition of clean differs from yours - and this appears to be the problem, a very common one - my husband thinks doing the dishes an leaving them on the draining tray means the kitchen is clean -me I like them dried and the benches cleaned and the floor brushed before I think the kitchen is clean - so he washes the dishes and I do the rest to bing it to my standards.

Maybe you should have a chat with your wife about your expectations of each other - acknowledge that you respect the fact your wife earns the money, and her acknowledge the fact that you do the housework.

It can be very unmotivating going out to work in the morning, with the hisband still in bed, then coming home to him saying how busy he has been, when you know he spent the first half of the morning in bed.
It can also be very unmotivating to not be appreciated for all the housework you do - although the thing with housework is that you only really notice when it hasn't been done - not when it has!

lindsaygalaxy

I think most people that dont do the housework in a house forget how much work it takes, especially if yuo have kids! I work part-time (but virtually every evening and some of the weekend but I also do most of the housework. It is rarely mentioned when the house is sparkling, only when something needs doing! Sometimes you just have to sit down and explain things and how you are feeling.

bagpussbear

It's a disrespectful thing for your wife to be saying these sorts of things to your friends, definitely. Any concerns she has should be shared between the two of you only. So yes I would be more than peeved!

Sounds like she is being unrealistic, but I wonder what's behind this. Did you both agree that she would go out to work, and you be in the home? Is the unemployment a temporary thing and you intend to go back to work? I'm just wondering if she is resentful for you being at home, so is expecting some sort of 'perfection' in her mind?

Think you both need to have a proper talk about this, but be firm to tell her saying what she says to friends is simply not on!

lostinrates

lazer wrote: »

Personally, if one partner is at home I would expect them to get all the housework, DIY, gardening etc done while the other is at work.

The evenings and weekends should then be rest time for both - the only thing that really needs done is cooking and cleaning dishes - and IMO this should be shared at weekends.

!

I think it depends on the relationship. I am a housewife. I consider the house 'my' job. But I am also a sufferer of chronic ill health. The vacuuming is something dh can do that's relatively easy for him and difficult for me. He does it mostly as a result.

DIY is definitely not something I want to get too involved in alone, but we lile in a fixer upper, so our weekends are usually DIY with me as his assistant or just being with him to be together or gardening, which we both enjoy and enjoy doing together mainly.

fluffnutter

If she doesn't like the way you do it, perhaps she should do it herself.

andygb

MrsDrink wrote: »

"Am I wrong to feel a little peeved?"
Depends. Have you told her all the above?

I do say it, but she just says - "well it doesn't look clean" or "you haven't dusted under the television"
I know for a fact that she has never used our Dyson which I bought back in 2005/6, because she didn't choose it - her excuse.
She accuses me of braking appliances - which wear out, and I have to point out that they will never break while she is using them, for one simple reason.
Even when I was in work, I used to take care of all the household admin stuff - insurance, banks, mortgage, utilities, organising holidays.
Her favourite thing at the moment, is to compare me with her younger workmates (less than half my age and no health problems) and tell me how much work they do on their house improvements.
I get up every morning and get HER breakfast - 6.00AM in the week.
I think that she knows how much I love her though, and is taking advantage:(

fluffnutter

andygb wrote: »

"you haven't dusted under the television"

Who does??

andygb

fluffnutter wrote: »

If she doesn't like the way you do it, perhaps she should do it herself.

I have suggested it, but her answer is that without her we would be out on the street. She seems to forget who was the main wage earner for the first fifteen years of our marriage.