Affair, can't forget

waccoe_2

A little bit more background.
My wife had an affair with the same guy about 30 years before this one, before we met, he was married, she was single.
Somebody described me earlier as a bit obsessive, they are right.
When she told me about the affair 6 years ago she told me who it was and I remembered that she had told me about the affair she had him 30 years ago.
I did do an Internet search on him, I found out where he worked and where he lived and I found a street map in our house with his address circled in ink.
I sent him a text inviting him to contact me, he rang me, poor guy was frightened to death, but I wasn't angry with him as he doesn't need to answer to me as he has never met me.
He told me his side of the story, I keep a sort of diary on my computer and it is written as if talking to my wife, so that is how you should read it.
Names and places have been blanked out.
He first got a Valentine card in February 03, it was in a business style envelope with a printed address label. In the card was one kiss, he had no idea who it was from. The next year he got a very similar envelope, he recognised the style from the year before. Inside the card was a photo of a woman with long blond hair sat on a sofa, he didn’t recognise who it was. It wasn’t until he got the next letter that he saw there was a mobile number on the back. He then got another letter with a note saying why hadn’t he rung that number and it gave the number again. There was no name and he didn’t know who it was from. He rang the number and asked who it was, you said *****, he asked ***** who, you replied ***** ****. You met about four times. The first time you met at a pub near ****, you were cross because he was late, you were asking how to get a mortgage in your name (he is a financial advisor), he told you couldn’t without a guarantor. The second time you met he thinks was in a pub but he wasn’t sure. You had a mortgage promise but he couldn’t understand how you had got it without lying and he told you they would check. By now things were getting a bit flirtatious and he started calling you by the pet name he had for you 30 years ago, ****. You said you had driven past his house many times. The next time you met was at a pub opposite *******. You gave him a spare mobile phone as we had loads around the house. You could now contact each other secretly. The final time you met was at a hotel.

[FONT=&quot] You had booked a room, you had a sex in the room but didn’t stop over. He told you he didn’t want to see you again and gave you the mobile back."[/FONT]

bast

O/p I really feel for you honestly I do, you sound so distressed and rightly so. However as much as I can give my reasons for an affair I cannot give you your wife`s reasonings. Nor would I want to.. You need to be having a frank and full discussion with her. This is about what YOU want, not what SHE wants if YOU decide you still wish to be married then you have to start asking the painful questions.
My husband told me the worse part of the affair was the imagery.. He felt like he was losing his mind .. He kept visualising things .. So he needed honest truthful answers. There is always so much deceit and lies in any affair. You have his account now you need hers. My husband spoke to the man I had the affair with as he felt he needed to, it was not pretty but he felt it was productive for him in moving forward.
People can advise you but this is your life and you need to decide where to go from here.
From what I have read from the above she does seem to have done the chasing and if she had an affair with this guy 30 years ago, it sounds like she never fully got over him. It is not right that she was sending him valentine cards obviously, and giving him a mobile phone from your house, it is horrendous deceit. All I can say is I was in a vunerable place at the time of my affair, which does not excuse my actions whatsoever. I went on to have a complete breakdown. My husband knew things were wrong but did not know how wrong they were. There are things which I do not wish to say on a public forum. Please have this conversation with your wife for your own sanity I am concerned for you. I sincerely wish you all the best..

Orlando_Virgin

waccoe wrote: »

A little bit more background.
My wife had an affair with the same guy about 30 years before this one, before we met, he was married, she was single.
Somebody described me earlier as a bit obsessive, they are right.
When she told me about the affair 6 years ago she told me who it was and I remembered that she had told me about the affair she had him 30 years ago.
I did do an Internet search on him, I found out where he worked and where he lived and I found a street map in our house with his address circled in ink.
I sent him a text inviting him to contact me, he rang me, poor guy was frightened to death, but I wasn't angry with him as he doesn't need to answer to me as he has never met me.
He told me his side of the story, I keep a sort of diary on my computer and it is written as if talking to my wife, so that is how you should read it.
Names and places have been blanked out.
He first got a Valentine card in February 03, it was in a business style envelope with a printed address label. In the card was one kiss, he had no idea who it was from. The next year he got a very similar envelope, he recognised the style from the year before. Inside the card was a photo of a woman with long blond hair sat on a sofa, he didn’t recognise who it was. It wasn’t until he got the next letter that he saw there was a mobile number on the back. He then got another letter with a note saying why hadn’t he rung that number and it gave the number again. There was no name and he didn’t know who it was from. He rang the number and asked who it was, you said *****, he asked ***** who, you replied ***** ****. You met about four times. The first time you met at a pub near ****, you were cross because he was late, you were asking how to get a mortgage in your name (he is a financial advisor), he told you couldn’t without a guarantor. The second time you met he thinks was in a pub but he wasn’t sure. You had a mortgage promise but he couldn’t understand how you had got it without lying and he told you they would check. By now things were getting a bit flirtatious and he started calling you by the pet name he had for you 30 years ago, ****. You said you had driven past his house many times. The next time you met was at a pub opposite *******. You gave him a spare mobile phone as we had loads around the house. You could now contact each other secretly. The final time you met was at a hotel.

[FONT=&quot]You had booked a room, you had a sex in the room but didn’t stop over. He told you he didn’t want to see you again and gave you the mobile back."[/FONT]

Christ that's tough to read. Even for me, I can only imagine what it's like for you to read or write down.

You cannot possibly carry on with this all bottled up OP. This kind of thing needs to be said to your wife. Your marriage then needs to be given serious consideration. You are in danger of living the remainder of your life with this on your brain, you cannot do that, it's no existence.

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

A little bit more background.
My wife had an affair with the same guy about 30 years before this one, before we met, he was married, she was single.
Somebody described me earlier as a bit obsessive, they are right.
When she told me about the affair 6 years ago she told me who it was and I remembered that she had told me about the affair she had him 30 years ago.
I did do an Internet search on him, I found out where he worked and where he lived and I found a street map in our house with his address circled in ink.
I sent him a text inviting him to contact me, he rang me, poor guy was frightened to death, but I wasn't angry with him as he doesn't need to answer to me as he has never met me.
He told me his side of the story, I keep a sort of diary on my computer and it is written as if talking to my wife, so that is how you should read it.
Names and places have been blanked out.
He first got a Valentine card in February 03, it was in a business style envelope with a printed address label. In the card was one kiss, he had no idea who it was from. The next year he got a very similar envelope, he recognised the style from the year before. Inside the card was a photo of a woman with long blond hair sat on a sofa, he didn’t recognise who it was. It wasn’t until he got the next letter that he saw there was a mobile number on the back. He then got another letter with a note saying why hadn’t he rung that number and it gave the number again. There was no name and he didn’t know who it was from. He rang the number and asked who it was, you said *****, he asked ***** who, you replied ***** ****. You met about four times. The first time you met at a pub near ****, you were cross because he was late, you were asking how to get a mortgage in your name (he is a financial advisor), he told you couldn’t without a guarantor. The second time you met he thinks was in a pub but he wasn’t sure. You had a mortgage promise but he couldn’t understand how you had got it without lying and he told you they would check. By now things were getting a bit flirtatious and he started calling you by the pet name he had for you 30 years ago, ****. You said you had driven past his house many times. The next time you met was at a pub opposite *******. You gave him a spare mobile phone as we had loads around the house. You could now contact each other secretly. The final time you met was at a hotel.

[FONT=&quot] You had booked a room, you had a sex in the room but didn’t stop over. He told you he didn’t want to see you again and gave you the mobile back."[/FONT]

I actually think you do need professional help, because this really isnt healthy, why are you keeping a diary on your computer?

You cant change the past. Its done. I think you and your wife need to go for counselling together to see if theres any way that you can remain together and to actually talk about this affair and the effect that this has had in your marriage

But this, torturing yourself, googling the guy, texting him, keeping a diary on your computer about what happened, 6 years after she told you.

Its not healthy and I have to say that even if I was massively in the wrong about something I did and made the biggest mess up of all time in a relationship I dont think I could live with someone who is behaving the way you are at the moment.

No, it cant be easy to forgive or forget but what on earth are you getting from detailing every move of what happened when this man and your wife had an affair?

I bet you arent getting peace and any kind of emotional closure.

waccoe_2

Hi PalineB
I did the Internet search and had the phone conversation as soon as I was told 6 years ago, not recently. I keep a diary just for my thoughts on all matter of subjects.

duchy

waccoe wrote: »

Because I love her.

But do you like her ?

Frankly ten years ago you went through a rough patch -she had an affair- finished it and came back to you-you didn't talk to her about how her eventual disclosure felt ...and possibly have been distant ever since ...to punish her ?

Either you love her enough to put something that happened a long time ago now aside -forgive her and enjoy the rest of your lives together ...... or you let her go -divorce- leaving her and you free to find happiness with new partners.

When was the last time you went for a walk, held hands, laughed together.....the simple things that bind a couple together ?

paulineb_2

duchy wrote: »

But do you like her ?

Frankly ten years ago you went through a rough patch -she had an affair- finished it and came back to you-you didn't talk to her about how her eventual disclosure felt ...and possibly have been distant ever since ...to punish her ?

Either you love her enough to put something that happened a long time ago now aside -forgive her and enjoy the rest of your lives together ...... or you let her go -divorce- leaving her and you free to find happiness with new partners.

When was the last time you went for a walk, held hands, laughed together.....the simple things that bind a couple together ?

I agree, totally.

waccoe_2

"When was the last time you went for a walk, held hands, laughed together.....the simple things that bind a couple together ?"
We do all those things and so much more, on the surface we appear happy it is just what is in my mind that is spoiling things.

duchy

Then you need professional help.

If you truely DO love her then you owe it to her to do so

waccoe_2

She recently quoted her Cousin, who she is very close to and obviously knows, probably more than me.
Names obviously changed.
"Richard, will never be David".
(Richard being me and David being the other guy).
These 5 words haunt me constantly.