Affair, can't forget

Acc72

MrsDrink wrote: »

there was a reason she told you 4 years after she had the affair when she had gotten away with it.

And for me, the fact that she told you on your birthday would suggest that she wanted to hurt you, or cause a reaction from you.

This is what I don't understand - what caused your wife to tell you on your 50th birthday about an affair she had 4 years previously ?

Some of the replies are interesting - especially post 54 which blames the OP for his wife having an affair !

If this was the other way round (i.e. wife posting about husbands affair) I can guarantee that the replies would be very different - why ?

dktreesea

Acc72 wrote: »

This is what I don't understand - what caused your wife to tell you on your 50th birthday about an affair she had 4 years previously ?

Some of the replies are interesting - especially post 54 which blames the OP for his wife having an affair !

If this was the other way round (i.e. wife posting about husbands affair) I can guarantee that the replies would be very different - why ?

Even if it's the other way around, I would have said the same thing. Married men, by and large, don't just go and have affairs. I've worked in male dominated environments for years. With men who could have had a different partner every year or two if they had so desired. The ones who did, by and large, were people whose needs were not being met at home.

dktreesea

marisco wrote: »

I dont understand how you feel able to make such an unfounded and sweeping statement, about a stranger on a public forum. The OP has said on here that when issues arose in their marriage he and his wife sort counselling. This goes along way to suggest to me that he is the type of person who is willing to work through problems and to try and resolve them. Not someone who goes about life without any care or consideration for his partner having no wish to meet her needs.

There is no justification for someone having an affair. When people use the transferral excuse of 'my partner pushed me into it, they didn't care about me and what I needed' it is their way of trying to absolve themselves for their choices and actions. Jumping into bed with someone else does nothing to resolve any problems in a relationship it just adds a new mess to the equation. This takes away the chance for a couple to resolve their differences, and get relationships they may have been in for years back on track.

I think your comment is very disrespectful to the OP and totally uncalled for.

So if two people are married, and one wants a level of emotional or physical intimacy that the other doesn't want, why wouldn't the one who is not getting what they need from the relationship go elsewhere for that?

Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you get to condemn them to an emotional or physical wasteland for the rest of their lives.

tayforth

I wish that certain people would stop blaming the OP for the wife's affair. Have some compassion and sensitivity.

justme111

dktreesea wrote: »

So if two people are married, and one wants a level of emotional or physical intimacy that the other doesn't want, why wouldn't the one who is not getting what they need from the relationship go elsewhere for that?

Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you get to condemn them to an emotional or physical wasteand for the rest of their lives.

Because the right thing to do would be wither to try and get the point across to the partner or if it failed leave him /her , not go behind their backs lieing havi.g affair.

marisco_2

dktreesea wrote: »

So if two people are married, and one wants a level of emotional or physical intimacy that the other doesn't want, why wouldn't the one who is not getting what they need from the relationship go elsewhere for that?

Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you get to condemn them to an emotional or physical wasteland for the rest of their lives.

If you cant talk with your long term partner about the lack of emotional or physical intimacy between you then a relationship is broken. I am not saying that someone should remain with a partner who they have reached that stage with.

No-one would want to think that their husband or wife felt condemmed to being in a loveless marriage with them. For their partner to not address this with them though, and to just jump into bed with someone else, none of the original issues and problems ever get resolved.

To have an affair whilst staying in the safety of a relationship is to treat someone with contempt. It smacks of having your cake and eating it. Far better to be honest and open if there are huge problems. If these cannot be resolved then people should call it a day and then move on to someone new. In my opinion it is better if a couple can part without cheating, going their seperate ways with their dignity intact.

bast

I AM GOING TO POST THIS so many times when people have said about affairs I try to post but dont...
I had an affair 6 years ago .. I had everything good job, husband had a very good job, well paid, responsible I choose not to go into what was lacking because even though there were problems with our marriage nothing justifies an affair.
It did not last long and my husband found out, after he confronted me I told him the truth. After several weeks away from him he decided to take me back, but on the understanding he had full knowledge of the total affair everything that happened . It was painful and took a long time for him to find out all HE needed to know and therefore understand. What he did understand was that there had been problems within our marriage but again, this in no-way condoned my behaviour.
Our marriage has become better in a lot of ways, but tainted in having an affair. I have so much respect for my husband. I admire, love adore him. I regret the affair and if I could change the hands of time I would. Of course I cannot, therefore I have tried to change my behaviour I have taken on board my faults .. I am no longer as quick to judge, probably because I am so judged. I chose to tell people in the work place why I had been off, rather than continue a lie...
Please people not everyone should be defined as "once a cheater always a cheater".. My infidelity happened after 23 years of marriage and I would never again cause that much pain or hurt to any of my family. I would rather be honest and just leave if I felt my marriage was over.
I cannot nor will not explain everything that happened that would be unfair to the innocent in my family... but my husband once said you had the luxury of an affair... The thrill of a new love, the excitement.. but in reality even though not long lived any relationship still faces stagnation, far better to sort out your problems with your spouse, than look for new ones in your "fantasy"... Far better to be honest to be true to the one person you promised you would be.
My husband wonderful and fair though he his said in a moment of sadness, when I was moaning... "how do you think I FEEL, the one person I trusted had an affair...." among other things he needed to discuss again.. So you see the guilt never fades, because you ARE wrong...
I could go on but honestly the sadness, the guilt, and the knowledge that those you know, you love ... KNOW.. you face them every day....
I have the most amazing man, the bestest family in the whole world and I am so proud to be a part of them.. and so lucky... x Thankyou guys so much x
ps: Please find a way to be at peace op x

dktreesea

bast wrote: »

I had an affair 6 years ago .. I had everything good job, husband had a very good job, well paid, responsible I choose not to go into what was lacking because even though there were problems with our marriage nothing justifies an affair.
.....

But as you say, there were problems in your marriage. You talk as if because you had the affair you should have to "pay for that mistake forever". Excuse me, but it takes two to cause problems in a marriage, not one.

If your OH has really got over it, more power him. But your post made me wonder whether he allows you to put this incident where it belongs, in the past.

bast

I dont want to hi jack the thread... I feel for the o/p and what I was trying to explain to him is sometimes in order to forgive/not forget... but to get past where he is now... He needs to go through the pain of his wifes affair. To know why ... It will be heartbreaking...
My o/h has totally forgiven me... I am now reaching 50, first grandchild... And as we all do I reflect more and more on my life.. It is myself that cannot forgive me. I am not "whipping myself" or being some sort of Martyr.. but it is always there.. Might be a film a steamy sex scene where the couple are having a fling together... Someone you both just meet tells you such a body and so and so are having a "bit".. It is awkward and when everyone knows you still feel embarrassed .. ashamed... My o/h would kill anyone that judged me.. would fight tooth and nail to defend me... and that is what makes it so hard..x

System

bast wrote: »

I dont want to hi jack the thread... I feel for the o/p and what I was trying to explain to him is sometimes in order to forgive/not forget... but to get past where he is now... He needs to go through the pain of his wifes affair. To know why ... It will be heartbreaking...
My o/h has totally forgiven me... I am now reaching 50, first grandchild... And as we all do I reflect more and more on my life.. It is myself that cannot forgive me. I am not "whipping myself" or being some sort of Martyr.. but it is always there.. Might be a film a steamy sex scene where the couple are having a fling together... Someone you both just meet tells you such a body and so and so are having a "bit".. It is awkward and when everyone knows you still feel embarrassed .. ashamed... My o/h would kill anyone that judged me.. would fight tooth and nail to defend me... and that is what makes it so hard..x

Takes a lot of guts to post that. I and i am sure others, thank you for it.