Affair, can't forget

Amanda65

waccoe wrote: »

To be honest, I am in tears reading your replies. She probably is just with me for the lifestyle I can supply. I know I have issues about not being able to communicate my feelings, and I am not the the easiest man to live with but I feel very strongly about infidelity.

Feeling very strongly about infidelity doesn't mean you did or do love your wife - to be able to get over this you need to be able to forgive her and it sounds as though the fact she had the affair is a major stumbling block. Just out of interest, did the affair occur before of after she mvoed out ? And for what reason did she return after a month?

You say she is probably just with you for the lifestyle but how on earth would you know if you don't talk to her about anything important.

Gigglepig

To me it sounds like the problem isn't the cheating that occurred for so long ago, but that OP hasn't processed it or moved on. OP may need to practice facing up to their feelings and talking about things.

It also sounds like there may be some self esteem issues or negativity - surely the wife is more likely to be with OP because she loves him than because of the lifestyle. OP it sounds like you are carrying around lots of negative feelings and maybe thinking the worst?

OP if you dump your wife it would not solve the problems you appear to have with not processing and communicating your own feelings... Maybe counselling can help, both on your own and with your partner.

justme111

Although technically it was an affair but in practice you split for a while when it happened so I would not necessarily class it as such. My guess is if you understood what brought it and that would have been resolved it would not been that much of an issue. You probably feel that what brought affair is still there , that's why you have.no piece.

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

"Do I like my wife?" I love my wife but I despise the person that cheated on me, if that makes sense?

Your wife was the woman that you met, fell in love with and felt happy and secure enough with to make a lifetime commitment to her. You two went on to have 5 beautiful children, built a life together and no doubt had all kinds of plans for your future. You valued and respected her and believed she would never hurt you or treat you badly.

I expect at one point you trusted her 100%. When someone has placed their trust in you it is cruel to make them regret it by betraying and lying to them. Yet she made the choice to go behind your back and have an affair. That is an horrendous thing to do and an awful way to treat the person who is meant to mean the most to you. Affairs cause such harm and devestation to the person who has been cheated on. I know the pain of this myself.

Then she decided to keep this from you for four years, rather than own up to what she did at the time. As far as I am concerned that is a total abuse of your trust. A person may not want to believe that their partner could cheat on them. However few would choose to be in a relationship that was a farce and based on lies. To be in possession of the facts lets someone decide if they want to continue to be with the person or not. This option was taken away from you.

I am not at all surprised that you despise the woman who cheated on you. Nor that you are still struggling to convince yourself that you can forgive and forget what went on. Once the trust has been broken in a relationship few people can stay together and move on positively.

You sound very upset and I am so sorry for all you are going through. It is clear you feel unable to talk openly with your wife about exactly how you feel. Bottling up all these emotions is not good for you at all. Neither is going along with her terms the whole time, worrying about her temper and not wishing to rock the boat. That is no way to live OP. I think you need to bite the bullet and have a frank and open discussion with your wife and address this properly. Just continuing as you are will be so detrimental to your wellbeing.

tayforth

lily76 wrote: »

It does. It can distract OP's focus on the miserable memory and I actually meant something more basic: Op's wife is beautiful and OP is financially well off. That actually explains almost everything.

I don't often say this, but: you really should stop digging.


If you have nothing nice, useful or constructive to say, then it's best to keep quiet.

lily76

tayforth wrote: »

I don't often say this, but: you really should stop digging.


If you have nothing nice, useful or constructive to say, then it's best to keep quiet.

In this forum you really can say this often. People always find the point of their own interest from a post as we are different people. That does not mean anything not nice. I don't mean to hurt and I would hope OP to take it as a light joke. Do not mislead or over-stretch. What I should do is not defined by you. I don't often say this as well, but who do you think you are?

System

You will probably never get over it. Its a matter of learning to live with it.

Talking about it will help if you have questions. You will always be wondering but i'm not sure that dragging up things that happened 10 years ago will do anyone any good.

My friend and neighbour... his wife cheated on him many years ago and as much as he wanted his marriage to work. He knew he didnt want to live the rest of his life despising her for what she had done so he left her. He is remarried and happy.

waccoe_2

tayforth wrote: »

OP - I wish you all the best, and hope that you can find a way to deal with this, as bottling up feelings is very unhealthy xx

Just one question - feel free not to answer obviously. Why did you stay with your wife when she confessed?

Because I love her.

marisco_2

You say that you love your wife. Being in love with someone is meant to make you feel happy, content and secure. Love should not hurt you and leave you feeling as you do now. To have thought about the affair every day of your life since you were informed of it 6 years ago must be like torture.

tayforth

lily76 wrote: »

In this forum you really can say this often. People always find the point of their own interest from a post as we are different people. That does not mean anything not nice. I don't mean to hurt and I would hope OP to take it as a light joke. Do not mislead or over-stretch. What I should do is not defined by you. I don't often say this as well, but who do you think you are?

Ever heard of gaslighting?

I didn't delete my earlier reply to you. So where is it?? Hmm?

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/

The only explanation is that you deleted your original insensitive post (asking the OP to ask his wife for tips on looking 15 years younger)... and then reported my reply as spam to have it deleted. How clever of you.

You have contributed nothing to this thread, and I suggest that you refrain from posting unless you have something of even the tiniest value to add.

And don't bother trying to reply or justify yourself. This thread is not about you or me.