Affair, can't forget

tayforth

waccoe wrote: »

Because I love her.

marisco wrote: »

You say that you love your wife. Being in love with someone is meant to make you feel happy, content and secure. Love should not hurt you and leave you feeling as you do now. To have thought about the affair every day of your life since you were informed of it 6 years ago must be like torture.

Waccoe, I agree with marisco. It's heartbreaking that you love your wife, and understandable that you despise what she has done. Your head must be in bits. I really feel for you.

I echo the suggestions that you should speak to someone about this. It will help, I promise xx

MrsDrink

waccoe wrote: »

Because I love her.

But what is it about her that you love? Because I don't know how i could love someone who I didn't like.
FWIW I agree with the other posters - there was a reason she told you 4 years after she had the affair when she had gotten away with it. And for me, the fact that she told you on your birthday would suggest that she wanted to hurt you, or cause a reaction from you.

waccoe_2

marisco wrote: »

Your wife was the woman that you met, fell in love with and felt happy and secure enough with to make a lifetime commitment to her. You two went on to have 5 beautiful children, built a life together and no doubt had all kinds of plans for your future. You valued and respected her and believed she would never hurt you or treat you badly.

I expect at one point you trusted her 100%. When someone has placed their trust in you it is cruel to make them regret it by betraying and lying to them. Yet she made the choice to go behind your back and have an affair. That is an horrendous thing to do and an awful way to treat the person who is meant to mean the most to you. Affairs cause such harm and devestation to the person who has been cheated on. I know the pain of this myself.

Then she decided to keep this from you for four years, rather than own up to what she did at the time. As far as I am concerned that is a total abuse of your trust. A person may not want to believe that their partner could cheat on them. However few would choose to be in a relationship that was a farce and based on lies. To be in possession of the facts lets someone decide if they want to continue to be with the person or not. This option was taken away from you.

I am not at all surprised that you despise the woman who cheated on you. Nor that you are still struggling to convince yourself that you can forgive and forget what went on. Once the trust has been broken in a relationship few people can stay together and move on positively.

You sound very upset and I am so sorry for all you are going through. It is clear you feel unable to talk openly with your wife about exactly how you feel. Bottling up all these emotions is not good for you at all. Neither is going along with her terms the whole time, worrying about her temper and not wishing to rock the boat. That is no way to live OP. I think you need to bite the bullet and have a frank and open discussion with your wife and address this properly. Just continuing as you are will be so detrimental to your wellbeing.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and support.
All what you say makes perfect sense and I really wasn't offended by the earlier comment.
The posting above sums it up wonderfully.
I think councelling would help but I am not sure I will ever do it.
There is much, much more to the story and I will try and find some time in the next 2 days to tell more.
Thanks for reading and for your advice.

comeandgo

waccoe, you said you can not talk to your wife - maybe you could write a note and tell her how you are feeling and how much her infidelity hurt you etc.

Orlando_Virgin

waccoe wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for their advice and support.
All what you say makes perfect sense and I really wasn't offended by the earlier comment.
The posting above sums it up wonderfully.
I think councelling would help but I am not sure I will ever do it.
There is much, much more to the story and I will try and find some time in the next 2 days to tell more.
Thanks for reading and for your advice.

Take this for what it is worth Waccoe but you sound and talk like you are a victim and you sound weak. I know this is critical but I just want to say to you MAN UP, in the nicest possible way.

You have been strong enough in the past to give yourself and your family a very good life by the sound of things. From the way you talk about your relationship though, it seems like you have always thought you were beneath your wife, in terms of looks and that you feel you love her more than she loves you.

The affair will have done nothing to aid this, probably made it 10 times worse and left you feeling a damn sight more insecure. This will torture you forever if you don't do SOMETHING about it. If you don't want to talk to your wife, talk to a councillor, talk to anyone,then make a decision to either carry on and try your hardest to forget, or split.

bugslet

background, my OH had an affair that I found out about at the time. Rocky times, but I looked at the whole picture - no way should he have had an affair - but affairs are rarely about one person. I took him back and it was difficult for about two years. After that I rarely thought about it as he made a genuine effort to change. I felt sure that it was a one off and that it wouldn't happen again.

Where it seems to differ with you is that she seems, and I may have got this wrong, that she doesn'tseem to care that much about you. You've said how beautiful she is, how hard her early life was and how much you provide for her, but I can't see love coming from her. Apologies if I'm wrong there, it's difficult to get the full picture.

FWIW, try some counselling ( I had 4 sessions, saved boring my long-suffering friends!) and it helped a bit to mull things over with a neutral party. After that, I decided that I needed to mentally get over it or it would destroy me. It's going to eat you up if you carry on like this. Could you write a letter to her explaining things, if you don't feel able to talk?

lily76

tayforth wrote: »

Ever heard of gaslighting?

I didn't delete my earlier reply to you. So where is it?? Hmm?

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/

The only explanation is that you deleted your original insensitive post (asking the OP to ask his wife for tips on looking 15 years younger)... and then reported my reply as spam to have it deleted. How clever of you.

You have contributed nothing to this thread, and I suggest that you refrain from posting unless you have something of even the tiniest value to add.

And don't bother trying to reply or justify yourself. This thread is not about you or me.

I never know I can delete my own post. Do not abuse your poor brain please. You do not deserve so much consideration to be reported. And as you have actually quoted it there is no point to delete it. Again, do not use your brain route to trace other people's intention. You have contributed really a lot to this post by chasing me with your sharp and ugly teeth.

I really normally don't have experience dealing with rude and violent people. You are the first. You have actually made the thread a show stage of you even it is nothing to do with you. By bullying me and stepping on my 'insensitiveness' you have successfully showed your love and kindness. The last post from me to you. And if you don't have any firm evidence please do not use your brain to figure my logic. Thank you.

tayforth

lily76 wrote: »

I never know I can delete my own post. Do not abuse your poor brain please. You do not deserve so much consideration to be reported. And as you have actually quoted it there is no point to delete it. Again, do not use your brain route to trace other people's intention. You have contributed really a lot to this post by chasing me with your sharp and ugly teeth.

I really normally don't have experience dealing with rude and low class people. You have actually made the thread a show stage of you even it is nothing to do with you. By bullying me and stepping on my 'insensitiveness' you have successfully showed your love and kindness. Do not bother trying to reply please. Thank you.

I'm 'low class'? :rotfl:


You were the one who wrote a rude, insensitive post to the OP, which would have upset him. I don't know whether he saw it, but I and others did. When I told you off, you deleted your own post and presumably reported my reply to have it deleted too. Because my reply quoted your post.


Do us all a favour and don't insult everyone's intelligence.


Mods - you may see fit to delete any or all of these posts, and I don't blame you. I'm sorry that I ever replied to lily76 in the first place, she is clearly incapable of empathy towards the OP and has now shown herself to be a liar as well. That is my last word on the subject.

Pixiechic

Lily76 - I can't make sense of your previous posts but I think that it is quite rude to hijack this thread. Please allow this thread to continue with respect to the OP.

Thanks


OP - All this sounds very painful for you as the issues are still unresolved. Ignoring them as you know, won't make them go away. Can you sit down with your wife and say how you feel? Or are you scared of her response?

Marisco speaks a lot of sense. All the best OP

June_Cambridge

Sadly, I have been in a similar position, except that I found out rather than have him confess. I could not and have not forgiven my partner. I loved him and intended to leave but it just never happened, the time was never right. I have tormented myself over the years and in all probability have imagined far worse than actually happened. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago and I am convinced that it is a direct result of all the anguish that I have been through. My advice to you is to get some counselling, search around for the one that suits you, and really thrash it out with your wife, get it all out of your system, I know it's horrible but you need to otherwise it will just fester and you wont get over it. Perhaps your wife feels you don't care and had the affair to boost her self esteem, she then told you years after to get a reaction from you, to prove to herself that you do care. You only get one life and you should live it as happily and as contentedly as you can. I really hope you learn not to bottle things up and are brave enough to do something about it. It does take guts, I know, I didn't but I really wish I had now.