Affair, can't forget

BitterAndTwisted

There isn't any reason in this world why you should have to forget. I suspect that you really haven't forgiven her at all but if you can't give voice to your feelings then you are sentenced to endure this pain for the rest of your life. Is this really and truly what you want, what you think is desirable?

If you can't talk to her about it, I suggest you find someone else who you can talk to.


I also think it sounds very revealing when you describe the counselling you both had before the affair: that she thought they were "on your side". I doubt they were but it's very interesting how defensive she was, and how it was all about her, her, her.

You do have choices.

One, that you do and say nothing and carry on as you have been and always shall.

Two: that you go and find someone to talk to about this and try to find a way to accept the feelings you are having.

Three: that you do attempt to open up a discussion with your wife about how you feel about her terrible betrayal. And the awful pain she inflicted on you by disclosing this information so very long after the fact. I don't think it was an accident that she decided to tell you about this, when so much water had flowed under the bridge. She wanted something from you when she did it. What do you suppose it was? Because I doubt that it was a husband who appeared to passively accept it, to say and do absolutely nothing for the next X years.

74jax

waccoe wrote: »

As I said earlier, I am a bit niave but I really believe this was a one off and she would not be unfaithfull again.

But you were even told of the affair from a friend and chose not to believe it.

I 100% agree believeing she won't do it againis niave.

If you haven't spoken about it, sorted out why she did it, changed anything, then why on earth wouldn't she.

victory

Surely keep thinking about it is just torturing yourself? Not talking about it to your wife is making it seem even worse, you mention you are well off and comfortable do you worry your wife stays with you for your lifestyle?

There seems to be more to this .... why did you choose to ignore the fact your wife had an affair when you were told by your friend?

Do you feel unworthy of her love as she is so beautiful?

If all the money and trappings went do you feel your wife would go too?

waccoe_2

Amanda67, you speak a lot of sense, perhaps it is me that needs the councelling.

waccoe_2

To be honest, I am in tears reading your replies. She probably is just with me for the lifestyle I can supply. I know I have issues about not being able to communicate my feelings, and I am not the the easiest man to live with but I feel very strongly about infidelity.

tayforth

OP - I wish you all the best, and hope that you can find a way to deal with this, as bottling up feelings is very unhealthy xx

Just one question - feel free not to answer obviously. Why did you stay with your wife when she confessed?

ViolaLass

waccoe wrote: »

"Do I like my wife?" I love my wife but I despise the person thst cheated on me, if that makes sense?

I know this is stating the obvious but they are the same person. The wife that you love is also the person you despise. I'm not sure you've accepted that.

SavingPennies_2

From what you have wrote in your first few posts it seems you are the "stong silent type". Not justifying her behaviour in any way but being with someone like this can be incredible infurating. Perhaps she told you about the affair in order to shake some emotions up in you.

DUKE

Many years ago my partner had an affair, we talked & decided to stay together. However, within a week I decided that I could never forgive & I'd think about it every day for the rest of my life, not just torturing him but myself too. I thought I deserved better than him so I sent him packing. That was the best decision that I ever made in my life. It wasn't easy but I survived & so will you. You need to either discuss & get it out of your system or move on, you're worth more than that. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Joons

I don't see why she wouldn't have another affair, there seems to be no emotional talking between the two of you, do you really want a life of wondering when the next affair will happen or a friend tells you about it.....some of us can accept and forgive and forget, some of us can't and really you sound stuck in a situation that you really don't want to be in, it sounds like you actually don't want to be married to this lady but you feel you should be if that makes sense. She could be the double of Angelina Jolie but if she aint respecting you then you can't respect yourself. Counselling just for you would be a good idea.