Affair, can't forget

paulineb_2

Youve wasted 10 years of your life thinking about an affair. You have choices, forgive and try and get on with your life.

Or split up. Torturing yourself over something happened that you had no control over really isnt healthy at all.

whitewing

Sounds like you have unrealistically high personal standards.

What exactly are you thinking? About the sex itself, about the lies??

fluffnutter

That's the thing. People often admit stuff simply to assuage their own guilt when sometimes it's kinder just to keep your trap shut. I think too much can be made of honesty, personally. If someone's never going to find out and it happened four years ago what's to be gained from sharing? Perhaps she thought she could 'no longer live with the lie' but actually it's a sign of strength to not burden someone with your shit just to make yourself feel better.

Do you like your wife? I know that seems an odd question, but you're not painting a hugely attractive picture. Someone who cheated on you, who moved out into a house you bought her, who confessed all many years later, who won't leave because she enjoys a nice life. Sounds a bit shallow, frankly.

waccoe_2

We tried Relate before the affair but she is very strong minded and thought the counsellors were all talking rubbish, too young to know anything, or not from our ethnic background, she felt they were all taking my side, we went private as well but she thoght she was biased towards me.

fluffnutter

You've already been to marriage guidance, she's had an affair, she's left you once.... Hmm, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

CH27

Do you think she is still being unfaithful to you?

waccoe_2

"Do I like my wife?" I love my wife but I despise the person thst cheated on me, if that makes sense?

Amanda65

Do you want to be in this relationship? It really can't be very easy living with the jealousy and hurt eating away at you day in day out. Yuo say you know your wife needs emotional support yet are, by your own admission cold and wonder why your wife shouts - she's probably trying to get you to react, and maybe that is why she told you about the affair.

It's difficult to comment as we only have your perspective in this relationship but read what you've written
- my wife had an affair but came back and I cannot cope with it
- we have a good life and I am from a good background
- my wife is not from such a good background
- my wife needs to show feelings and emotions but I am cold and cannot
- my wife won't leave me but I can't speak to her about any of this
- my wife is strong willed and will not go for counselling.

It seems rather one-sided and without wanting to kick a man when he's down, does seem a little as though you feel 'superior' to her (wrong word but can't think of right one atm) and perhaps she has always felt this.

I think perhaps you need some counselling, on your own if she won't go with you, to try and gain the confidence to sit down and work out how to make things right agan - if that's what you want to do.

waccoe_2

Hi CH27
As I said earlier, I am a bit niave but I really believe this was a one off and she would not be unfaithfull again.

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

Hi CH27
As I said earlier, I am a bit niave but I really believe this was a one off and she would not be unfaithfull again.

So why are you torturing yourself over this ten years later, its not healthy and dare I say it, its bordering on the obsessive

You cant change the past, you can stew over this for another ten years but it wont change what happened

All you can do is change how you deal with this.