Affair, can't forget

scooby088

OP I am sorry to say this but you sound like you have let this eat you up and consume you over the last six years, you remind me of a man I used to know lamenting a lost love and finding solace in a pint glass.

You may need counselling to get your own mind right and to actually begin to let your mind rest with all the turmoil it has thrown at you for six years. Good luck with what you decide to do.

bugslet

June_Cambridge wrote: »

Sadly, I have been in a similar position, except that I found out rather than have him confess. I could not and have not forgiven my partner. I loved him and intended to leave but it just never happened, the time was never right. I have tormented myself over the years and in all probability have imagined far worse than actually happened. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago and I am convinced that it is a direct result of all the anguish that I have been through. My advice to you is to get some counselling, search around for the one that suits you, and really thrash it out with your wife, get it all out of your system, I know it's horrible but you need to otherwise it will just fester and you wont get over it. Perhaps your wife feels you don't care and had the affair to boost her self esteem, she then told you years after to get a reaction from you, to prove to herself that you do care. You only get one life and you should live it as happily and as contentedly as you can. I really hope you learn not to bottle things up and are brave enough to do something about it. It does take guts, I know, I didn't but I really wish I had now.

I''m so sorry to hear about your illness, June. I hope you can find some peace of mind. I just refused to let one small portion of time outweigh the previous 19 years. It's a sort of decision I made to allow a time to feel bitter and then to saddle up and get on with it.

Orlando_Virgin

lily76 wrote: »

I never know I can delete my own post. Do not abuse your poor brain please. You do not deserve so much consideration to be reported. And as you have actually quoted it there is no point to delete it. Again, do not use your brain route to trace other people's intention. You have contributed really a lot to this post by chasing me with your sharp and ugly teeth.

I really normally don't have experience dealing with rude and violent people. You are the first. You have actually made the thread a show stage of you even it is nothing to do with you. By bullying me and stepping on my 'insensitiveness' you have successfully showed your love and kindness. The last post from me to you. And if you don't have any firm evidence please do not use your brain to figure my logic. Thank you.

Hate deviating from what is clearly a distressing and difficult time for the OP, but what on earth are you talking about?

"Sharp and ugly teeth", I've heard some rubbish in my time but this is amongst it. I suggest you go and read "Tayforth's New Beginning", I've seen sharper teeth on a toothless hobo. Jog on

System

OP, sorry if this sounds harsh, but if your wife had an affair, that is at least partly because you were not meeting her needs.

Not necessarily, some men (and women) do it to get a mammoth ego boost. I am presuming she didnt do it out of love as she came back to you.

We tried Relate before the affair but she is very strong minded and thought the counsellors were all talking rubbish, too young to know anything, or not from our ethnic background, she felt they were all taking my side,

Well she would say that as she was the one that cheated.

Strong minded can easily be mistaken for used to having her own way which i assume she is doing as she has run rings round you.

June Cambridge, many hugs to you. It must have taken a great deal of guts to post what you have.

I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago and I am convinced that
it is a direct result of all the anguish that I have been through

I can very well believe that. I am only too aware of the effects of stress related illnesses, both from my own point of view and the effects on those around me who have suffered because of it.

philli_2

OP
I don't think that you need counselling. You just need to have an affair yourself and start to value yourself more. It's not all about your wife.

paulineb_2

philli wrote: »

OP
I don't think that you need counselling. You just need to have an affair yourself and start to value yourself more. It's not all about your wife.

Ridiculous advice. Using people to boost your self esteem isnt the way to go.

System

You just need to have an affair yourself and start to value yourself more

I wasnt going to say but i know someone who did just that. She knew two wrongs didnt make a right but she said it made her feel a darned sight better about him straying.

Incidently, 5 years later the marriage did fail. She coped with his betrayal better than he coped with hers.

Orlando_Virgin

philli wrote: »

OP
I don't think that you need counselling. You just need to have an affair yourself and start to value yourself more. It's not all about your wife.

Yeah because that will achieve a lot. Ridiculous

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

I think councelling would help but I am not sure I will ever do it.

I was sceptical about how useful counselling would be, when I went through a very dark time a few years ago. So it came as a pleasant surprise when it did help me to find closure, feel at peace again and find ways to move forward with my life. The thought processes and coping techniques that I learnt from it were extremely beneficial and useful.

You can be referred by your gp for counselling though there is sometimes a waiting list. Alternatively the Samaritans are also an excellent source of help. You can phone them or go along and see them in person. Many have benefited from their skills in supporting and guiding people through difficult events in their life. However you choose to handle your situation, I would like to wish you all the best.

tayforth

June_Cambridge wrote: »

Sadly, I have been in a similar position, except that I found out rather than have him confess. I could not and have not forgiven my partner. I loved him and intended to leave but it just never happened, the time was never right. I have tormented myself over the years and in all probability have imagined far worse than actually happened. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago and I am convinced that it is a direct result of all the anguish that I have been through. My advice to you is to get some counselling, search around for the one that suits you, and really thrash it out with your wife, get it all out of your system, I know it's horrible but you need to otherwise it will just fester and you wont get over it. Perhaps your wife feels you don't care and had the affair to boost her self esteem, she then told you years after to get a reaction from you, to prove to herself that you do care. You only get one life and you should live it as happily and as contentedly as you can. I really hope you learn not to bottle things up and are brave enough to do something about it. It does take guts, I know, I didn't but I really wish I had now.

I didn't want to read this and not reply. My heart goes out to you June, and well done on being brave enough to post here and give the OP such sincere advice xxx

marisco wrote: »

I was sceptical about how useful counselling would be, when I went through a very dark time a few years ago. So it came as a pleasant surprise when it did help me to find closure, feel at peace again and find ways to move forward with my life. The thought processes and coping techniques that I learnt from it were extremely beneficial and useful.

You can be referred by your gp for counselling though there is sometimes a waiting list. Alternatively the Samaritans are also an excellent source of help. You can phone them or go along and see them in person. Many have benefited from their skills in supporting and guiding people through difficult events in their life. However you choose to handle your situation, I would like to wish you all the best.

I can also recommend the Samaritans. They are wonderful and always there, 24 hours a day.

You can email them as well, if you find it difficult to talk in person or by telephone. The email address is [EMAIL="jo@samaritans.org"]jo@samaritans.org[/EMAIL].

Good luck, and keep posting, we are all here for you.