Affair, can't forget

Gigglepig

waccoe wrote: »

My wife came back from the cottage on Saturday and the first thing she said was "you haven't put any water in the vase of lilies".
I took a deep breath and planned my carefully worded reply. I planned to say, "perhaps rather than point out my mistake with the lilies, you could have said, the house looks clean and tidy and I see the washing has all been done and put away, next time please could you put some water in the lilies?"
I wait 10 minutes and ask if I could have a word?
I start to say, perhaps rather than point out my mistake with the lilies.........she raises her hands and as she walks away she says, this is boring!
I left her 5 minutes and then try to explain what I was trying to say. She replies that she does those jobs every day and rarely gets any thanks.
I just shut up.
The point I wanted to make was that I do these jobs on top of my own so that she can have time away and not return to a load of housework, but I failed, again.
After she went to bed she sent me a long text descibing me as bloke so very protective of his deeds and empty of any fun or ability to see anything other than a personal attack. Lighten up and STOP being a victim.

I understand this is frustrating for you, but it sounds really frustrating for her as well. Communication breakdown, and possibly different standards on what "needs" to be done. From your wife's point of view it must be infuriating that you expect praise for doing some housework in your own house.

In order to get anywhere as a couple I think you both need to accept that you are grating on each other.

kelpie35

poet123 wrote: »

I am glad she is helping, but I find her pronouncements somewhat unusual for a professional.

I don't :eek:

I think the councillor has listened to the OP and all he has had to suffer for many years.

I see the councillor as a person who is empowering the OP to take control of his own destiny, which can only be a good thing.

paulineb_2

poet123 wrote: »

I am glad she is helping, but I find her pronouncements somewhat unusual for a professional.

So do I.

A counsellors role is not to take sides and Id be very concerned if I went to a counsellor and they came out with anything like that.

I have had counselling over the years mainly due to work issues and Id be horrified if someone said anything like that about a significant other, even if it were true, their role is to try and get you to a place where you offload and/or make changes

Not to make value judgements on the people involved. Ive also done some basic counselling courses myself, I cant ever remember being told that to wade in and start judging people was part of skills you need as a counsellor.

Having said all that, there are good counsellors and not so good counsellors. The counsellor hasnt met this woman, she doesnt know anything about how she might see the marriage from her point of view. And shes not counselling the wife, but to make a statement like that about someone with such conviction when youve heard one side of a story and someone is obviously vulnerable and thats the issue, when people go to counselling they are often vulnerable.
Telling someone that someone is a bully and that they are suffering from domestic abuse after two counselling sessions, a good counsellor would let someone make their own mind up about someone and work through from there what they wanted to do about the situation.

I think that statement is wrong on so many levels. We are talking about a generic counselling session I assume, not someone who has approached a counsellor who specialises in issues such as domestic abuse.

[Deleted User]

It is good you are having counselling , many people simply carry on the way they always have and the affair was a long time ago and like you said it wouldn't happen again so maybe you could live with it and carry on as normal , or you could start resolving things and communicating more but then she would have to agree to open up to you too , which it looks like she might not do

Or you can leave her , especially if it is not a 2 way street , but that would be painful too and a pity of course

How did you manage the past 6 years? And could you carry on like that?

I just hope you find peace whatever you decide to do!!

waccoe_2

poet123 wrote: »

I am glad she is helping, but I find her pronouncements somewhat unusual for a professional.

I started this thread because of the affair my wife had 10 years ago and told me about 6 years ago and lots of things she has said to me since.
I have not put this in my posts before but when she goes off on one she has punched, kicked, thrown things at me and once came at me with a hammer. I am 6ft tall quite strong, she is 4ft 11,1/2, the 1/2 inch is very important to her, lol. I can always stop her but I hate using force to restrain her and before someone asks, no, I have never hit her.
Before counselling I knew nothing of parent/child relaitionships or domestic abuse. So it was a relief to find out that this is a recognised situation

waccoe_2

Gigglepig wrote: »

I understand this is frustrating for you, but it sounds really frustrating for her as well. Communication breakdown, and possibly different standards on what "needs" to be done. From your wife's point of view it must be infuriating that you expect praise for doing some housework in your own house.

In order to get anywhere as a couple I think you both need to accept that you are grating on each other.

I totally agree that I am not the easiest guy to live with because of my lack of communication but that is part of why I am going to counselling because I recognise this.
Regarding hanging out the washing, of course I don't expect or need praise, the point I was trying to make, badly obviously, was, why criticise?

SuzieSue

waccoe wrote: »

when she goes off on one she has punched, kicked, thrown things at me and once came at me with a hammer.

My husband's ex wife did the same to him (but with a wine bottle rather than a hammer).

waccoe_2

cazzap06 wrote: »

It is good you are having counselling , many people simply carry on the way they always have and the affair was a long time ago and like you said it wouldn't happen again so maybe you could live with it and carry on as normal , or you could start resolving things and communicating more but then she would have to agree to open up to you too , which it looks like she might not do

Or you can leave her , especially if it is not a 2 way street , but that would be painful too and a pity of course

How did you manage the past 6 years? And could you carry on like that?

I just hope you find peace whatever you decide to do!!

Yes the affair was 10 years ago and it concerns me that I can't forget about it but I think you may have missed my posting about what she said to me recently, mainly the quote from her Cousin, "David (me), will never be Richard (him). This statement is like a dagger through my heart everytime I think about it, which sadly is too often.
You also ask how have I managed for the last 6 years, I haven't.

waccoe_2

SuzieSue wrote: »

My husband's ex wife did the same to him (but with a wine bottle rather than a hammer).

When she couldn't get to me with the hammer she put our car windscreen through, rather expensive! Now there is a confession on a money saving site, lol.

morocha

She is a cheater and by the sounds of it, a horrible person... What are her good qualities ?