Affair, can't forget

waccoe_2

vanessav wrote: »

I know that it is the words your wife uses rather than the violence that has hurt you. Nevertheless, you do need to be on your guard. If she discovers (or suspects) that you have told the coucillor about her behaviour, she may have a strong urge to punish you (in her mind she may think that you are being a 'victim' or trying to get sympathy). She clearly has a distorted way of thinking about you and feels it is OK to hurt you as much as she likes without anyone interferring.
Of course she may see that her marriage is in the balance and realise that she has to behave in a more reasonable way. But do be careful.

Thanks, I am hoping for the second option.

poet123

Pixiechic wrote: »

You quoted me on your post 349, I responded.

Not come from left field.

Yes, sorry, I have been dipping in and out.

I read that to mean there are two sides to every story, but I can see how it could read as if the OP was to "blame". Which of course he isn't. We all have choices even if the other person in this scenario had issues with the marriage to which we are not privy and for which the OP is to "blame" that still does not excuse the choice she made to have an affair.

waccoe_2

kelpie35 wrote: »

Waccoe, I do understand your reasons for not bring that up before and it only goes to prove how much you love your wife.

You have always come across as a person who is loyal to end, and that has to be admired.

Try to concentrate on what you have learnt from your counselling sessions so far. If possible try to build a social network that can also support you. I know you find that hard but try taking small steps.

Take care :A

Thanks so much, I have a massive social network all connected to an amateur sport.
All my life I have never felt the need to confide in anybody. Now if I do I feel I have my counsellor.

Pixiechic

It's really good that you have the support of your counsellor because you will hopefully be able to establish some healthy and positive boundaries.

As soon as you stop being the 'child' position in the relationship, your wife will no longer be able to be the 'critical parent'.

It won't change overnight but with continued positive reinforcement of your boundaries, things will change

waccoe_2

A quick update for anyone still following.
My wife went to the cottage on her own 3 days ago.
We have kept in touch by text, all very polite. Then tonight her texts are a bit negative, saying she there on your own, “billy no mates”, wondering what it is all about. I reply that it is all about her getting away from her humdrum life and chores and finding some time to relax. Her reply “I hope these thoughts make you content!”. I tell her it doesn’t make me content at all and then ask if she want me to come over tomorrow and give her a lift home as she doesn't like to drive that far?
Her reply “I do not, I can’t think of anything I want less, indeed you are not allowed to come to my cottage at all. I bought a return train
ticket so no worries I will be home later tomorrow x.”
I don’t bite and don’t reply.
2 hours later and she text me to say “I hope you are enjoying your night in and the dogs are nice and quiet.x"
I just never know where I am with her.

poet123

Leaving aside any professional input here, my female instinct is screaming that your wife wants you to show some passion, some real need for her.

SuzieSue

waccoe wrote: »

I just never know where I am with her.

No you don't, but I think that you said previously that she had some psychological problems. My ex did as well and I never knew where I was with him either and so did my husband's ex and he never knew where he was with her.

The problem is that she probably doesn't know where she is herself so I don't think you have much chance.

All I can tell you is that my husband doesn't have psychological problems and so the conversations we have are just straightforward, not the riddles which we both got from our exes.

msb5262

poet123 wrote: »

Leaving aside any professional input here, my female instinct is screaming that your wife wants you to show some passion, some real need for her.

Let's imagine for a moment, a woman posting that her husband had attacked her (including going after her with a hammer) and told her he'd had an affair...would anyone post here that her husband wanted her to show some passion, some real need for him?


No, thought not.

poet123

msb5262 wrote: »

Let's imagine for a moment, a woman posting that her husband had attacked her (including going after her with a hammer) and told her he'd had an affair...would anyone post here that her husband wanted her to show some passion, some real need for him?


No, thought not.

Ok. gloves off. The "abuse" (which of course it is, if it is as stated) was only mentioned way down the line, I have to say I am not buying this at face value.

The counsellor said she (the wife) was a bully etc, etc, simply on the say so of a new client? not buying that either, if that happened, that professional is breaking several codes of practice.

There are two sides to every story and on MSE it is very easy to manipulate those with their own baggage to the way of thinking of any given poster if you read the signs correctly.

There is way more to this than meets the eye.

marisco_2

Waccoe do you ever end up feeling mentally exhausted when you are left thinking you cant do right for doing wrong? I am shocked by your wife's responses to texts from you where you are simply trying to convey understanding and concern for her.

My perspective of your situation is that your wife appears to have a Jekyll and Hyde type personality, leaving you to not know where you are at with her, as you are unsure which side of her you will see at any given time.