Affair, can't forget

catriona79

waccoe wrote: »

Hi June
No, things have not been great.
I have stayed away from posting as I was getting a bit frustrated at people's comments when it was obvious they hadn't read the whole thread.
My wife came back from the cottage on Saturday and the first thing she said was "you haven't put any water in the vase of lilies".
I took a deep breath and planned my carefully worded reply. I planned to say, "perhaps rather than point out my mistake with the lilies, you could have said, the house looks clean and tidy and I see the washing has all been done and put away, next time please could you put some water in the lilies?"
I wait 10 minutes and ask if I could have a word?
I start to say, perhaps rather than point out my mistake with the lilies.........she raises her hands and as she walks away she says, this is boring!
I left her 5 minutes and then try to explain what I was trying to say. She replies that she does those jobs every day and rarely gets any thanks.
I just shut up.
The point I wanted to make was that I do these jobs on top of my own so that she can have time away and not return to a load of housework, but I failed, again.
After she went to bed she sent me a long text descibing me as bloke so very protective of his deeds and empty of any fun or ability to see anything other than a personal attack. Lighten up and STOP being a victim.

I really feel for you. That's very harsh....
And for her to text you as well.

Please try to find a communication tool that suits you. I think your wife is an extrovert and you an introvert. This makes her able to formulate her thoughts on the spot. It is difficult not to be able to express how you feel.
You wife complains that you don't talk to her, but when you try she is being disrespectful. She needs to take responsibility.
Hang in there

catriona79

waccoe wrote: »

Thanks for all your posts, although I might not agree with all of them they certainly give me something to think about and I do respect your opinions.
I will try and find time today to reply to some of them.
I am just setting off now for my second appointment with the counseller.

Good luck with the appt

paulineb_2

catriona79 wrote: »

Hmmm the kind of affair she had did not fulfil her needs for affection and communication, surely?
She needs to take responsibility for her actions, and I think it's important that you hear her acknowledge it. It might be the starting point for you to begin healing

I agree with a lot of what you said to this point.

But I disagree on this. She doesnt need to take responsibility for her actions. If she did it might lift a great big weight off the OP's shoulders, but thats just words. The bottom line is, the damage is done. She might not want to take responsibility for what she has done and thats up to her. Also, she isnt responsible for how the OP has reacted to the affair.

I think its awful that there are two people in this scenario who are obviously so unhappy. Hes unhappy, it looks like shes unhappy as well. He's quiet, she flies off the handle at times so what they do is, they dont communicate well.

I absolutely agree that counselling is a good idea but the way it looks from the outside is that he worships her, she doesnt treat him well.

But, as people have also said, we dont know much about the marriage and what it was like up to that point, we certainly dont know what its like living in a marriage where people dont communicate effectively over a long period of time and I do think she was wrong offloading her guilt the way she did and then shutting up about it and refusing to talk.

But take the affair out of the equation, how were things until that point, how did the pair of you communicate, how did you get on, how much real love did you have for one another?

And there are some people I bet who can have affair after affair and not care about the damage they do to other people, but my view is, in general happy people do not look outside of a marriage unless theres something really missing in their life and that could be internal or it could be with the marriage.

Its very hard for people to change the habits of a lifetime in the way they express their feelings.

Pixiechic

Hi Waccoe, I hope that it went well today.

I am sorry that some posts have been a bit hostile. Had you been a woman in this situation, I think that some advice would be very different but it is how these boards can be sometimes.

You are not responsible for your wife's affair, regardless of what anyone says. She alone chose to do what she did and she hurt you deeply. If she was unhappy prior to the affair then she should have come to you, not behave like that. She made a choice.

I think that it's good on you for seeking counselling and support

kelpie35

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi Waccoe, I hope that it went well today.

I am sorry that some posts have been a bit hostile. Had you been a woman in this situation, I think that some advice would be very different but it is how these boards can be sometimes.

You are not responsible for your wife's affair, regardless of what anyone says. She alone chose to do what she did and she hurt you deeply. If she was unhappy prior to the affair then she should have come to you, not behave like that. She made a choice.

I think that it's good on you for seeking counselling and support

Have to agree with you 100%

Waccoe, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you should carry on with your life and try to find happiness either on your own or with your family.

I hope you are able to find help from your counselling sessions and should be proud of yourself that you are trying to make changes to your life. :A

catriona79

paulineb wrote: »

I agree with a lot of what you said to this point.

But I disagree on this. She doesnt need to take responsibility for her actions. If she did it might lift a great big weight off the OP's shoulders, but thats just words. The bottom line is, the damage is done. She might not want to take responsibility for what she has done and thats up to her. Also, she isnt responsible for how the OP has reacted to the affair.

I think its awful that there are two people in this scenario who are obviously so unhappy. Hes unhappy, it looks like shes unhappy as well. He's quiet, she flies off the handle at times so what they do is, they dont communicate well.

I absolutely agree that counselling is a good idea but the way it looks from the outside is that he worships her, she doesnt treat him well.

But, as people have also said, we dont know much about the marriage and what it was like up to that point, we certainly dont know what its like living in a marriage where people dont communicate effectively over a long period of time and I do think she was wrong offloading her guilt the way she did and then shutting up about it and refusing to talk.

But take the affair out of the equation, how were things until that point, how did the pair of you communicate, how did you get on, how much real love did you have for one another?

And there are some people I bet who can have affair after affair and not care about the damage they do to other people, but my view is, in general happy people do not look outside of a marriage unless theres something really missing in their life and that could be internal or it could be with the marriage.

Its very hard for people to change the habits of a lifetime in the way they express their feelings.

Hi Pauline,

I wonder whether I've not expressed myself very well.
I absolutely agree that we must all take responsibility for our own feelings.

But what my point was in the bit you quoted, is that she is saying her affair was OP's fault and she did it because she needed to fulfil her need for "affection and conversation". The point I was making is that the way her affair played out, I doubt that was what she got.
I would even go as far as saying that that was not what she went looking for. So, to me, that's the wife being dishonest with herself (no doubt for her own reasons of self protection) and consequently, with the OP.
I think it's not fair and disingenuous to say that so many years after the affair. When you're in the throes of passion, blinded, fair enough. But to look back on her brief affair, and to say that she had to pursue that man to get affection, that's just not true. Unless the man is not being truthful and they really had a loving, affectionate bond. Casual sex in a hotel room does not qualify as that.

As much as I do think that often people who have had an affair are in denial at the time of it happening, as to the reasons for it, they do usually realise and learn about themselves when the dust settles.
I am just genuinely saddened that OP's wife hasn't made that journey yet.

So what I'm not keen on, is her justification. I'd imagine it must be infuriating for the injured party.

I didn't say that she needs to take responsibility for the OP, but in the interest of her own integrity and credibility, needs to stop making that affair sound like the fulfilment of her need for affection. I have no idea and would not like to guess what it was that was missing for her in the relationship ; there was definitely a void, and it is a very sad story. I genuinely believe in cases of relationship breakdown, both parties are responsible. I feel sorry and saddened for them both.

catriona79

Waccoe, I hope that your session with the counsellor went well yesterday and that you're enjoying the sunshine!

poet123

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi Waccoe, I hope that it went well today.

I am sorry that some posts have been a bit hostile. Had you been a woman in this situation, I think that some advice would be very different but it is how these boards can be sometimes.

You are not responsible for your wife's affair, regardless of what anyone says. She alone chose to do what she did and she hurt you deeply. If she was unhappy prior to the affair then she should have come to you, not behave like that. She made a choice.

I think that it's good on you for seeking counselling and support

I am not sure anyone has said that, they may have said there are two sides to the story, but I haven't seen anyone say he was responsible for the affair. I think people read into comments what they want to read and draw from their own life experiences, their conclusions are not always correct.

I fully agree with your comment about how she should have behaved, there are no excuses.

waccoe_2

I have been for my 3rd visit to the counsellor today and I am finding it so worthwhile. She seems to really understand my situation and I find her so easy to talk to her.
Obviously we have talked about all sorts of things but this is what she said today.
My wife and I have a parent/child relationship, she is the critical parent, always telling me off, I am the child always trying to please and when she tells me off, I sulk and walk away mumbling, spot on.
She also says that I am the victim of domestic abuse and that she is a bully.
I can't wait for the next visit, she is really helping me to see things so clearly.

Pixiechic

dktreesea wrote: »

I also see the other side, as in wondering what was going on in your relationship that a) could drive her into the arms of another man

Poet123 - I think dktreesea was implying something.