Affair, can't forget

Pixiechic

I wonder if she would notice if you stopped buying the lilies for her.

It all seems so one sided, I mean, how has she been looking after you all week or more when she hasn't even been at home?

I'm sorry to liken your wife to a dog but its like you going to give a dog a treat and the dog bites you. Many just wouldn't give the dog any more treats, but you keep going back and keep getting bitten. Then you blame yourself.

Again, you are looking for her to validate you, the less she does the more you try. She is keeping control whilst you seek balance. I think that in time, you will learn a more effective way to handle the situation .

Angela

marisco wrote: »

Your wife was the woman that you met, fell in love with and felt happy and secure enough with to make a lifetime commitment to her. You two went on to have 5 beautiful children, built a life together and no doubt had all kinds of plans for your future. You valued and respected her and believed she would never hurt you or treat you badly.

I expect at one point you trusted her 100%. When someone has placed their trust in you it is cruel to make them regret it by betraying and lying to them. Yet she made the choice to go behind your back and have an affair. That is an horrendous thing to do and an awful way to treat the person who is meant to mean the most to you. Affairs cause such harm and devestation to the person who has been cheated on. I know the pain of this myself.

Then she decided to keep this from you for four years, rather than own up to what she did at the time. As far as I am concerned that is a total abuse of your trust. A person may not want to believe that their partner could cheat on them. However few would choose to be in a relationship that was a farce and based on lies. To be in possession of the facts lets someone decide if they want to continue to be with the person or not. This option was taken away from you.

I am not at all surprised that you despise the woman who cheated on you. Nor that you are still struggling to convince yourself that you can forgive and forget what went on. Once the trust has been broken in a relationship few people can stay together and move on positively.

You sound very upset and I am so sorry for all you are going through. It is clear you feel unable to talk openly with your wife about exactly how you feel. Bottling up all these emotions is not good for you at all. Neither is going along with her terms the whole time, worrying about her temper and not wishing to rock the boat. That is no way to live OP. I think you need to bite the bullet and have a frank and open discussion with your wife and address this properly. Just continuing as you are will be so detrimental to your wellbeing.

My goodness I have read many of your posts and you always speak with such common sense and authority,you are so grounded on your advise with regards to relationship problems.
I always read your posts with great interest.
I do hope you have a job in counselling and you are helping people outside this website just like you have helped all the people on this website to see things clearer.

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

Wow, so many replies to my last post, all are either constructive, helpful or supportive, thanks.
I love the support but I can also take criticism as I am not perfect and probably have some annoying habits.
I am just going to carry on with the counselling for myself as this may lead me to being able communicate better with my wife.

The family and I probably don't thank her daily but we do tell her of our appreciation of all that she does for us around the home, the lilies that have caused the last problem are part of my appreciation, I buy them every week for her because they are her favourites.

Maybe you shouldnt, she doesnt seem to appreciate you or them.

And you have every right to care and do what you can to show you love your wife, but all she seems to do is give you a good kicking in return.

You may not be able to change how you react to her behaviour, but you can choose not to set yourself up for more abuse, because no matter what you do for her, I think she'll find fault with it.

She sounds very very unhappy. I dont see how the pair of you can move forward unless she agrees to go to some counselling, preferably with you, so you can talk about what it is that really is wrong.

Because theres obviously something wrong as far as shes concerned, its like shes angry all the time, whether shes shouting or not.

justme111

People , I think from a few flipping remarks selected by op it woyld be very irresponsible to state how bad she is and ungrateful and how op is bending over backwards etc etc.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

justme111 wrote: »

People , I think from a few flipping remarks selected by op it woyld be very irresponsible to state how bad she is and ungrateful and how op is bending over backwards etc etc.

Flippant???

paulineb_2

justme111 wrote: »

People , I think from a few flipping remarks selected by op it woyld be very irresponsible to state how bad she is and ungrateful and how op is bending over backwards etc etc.

I actually agree to the point that theres a lot we dont know about the situation, but its the same for everyone who starts a thread, you get their version.

Someone started a thread the other day and their partner posted and said it was absolutely not like that at all, but all people can go on, is what anyone posts.

Taking things at face value, theres no other way you can do it on here.

justme111

I hear what you saying , I mean that even.if we take all things op said at face value there is not enough to be so sure as he does not list all that she says or does and neither all that he does or does.not say or do. Often when I read threads on here I can build a picture of sequential events that.makes sense , in this one op highlights just little bits of facts that have days and years between them. I am sure everybody here is guilty about at least one grumpy comment to so at least once a life time , we do not know if she.is always like that and aparently not as he says she is a good company.

dktreesea

waccoe wrote: »

I have to admit that she has even suprised me this time. She will have her reasons but I can't imagine what they are and to keep quiet on a matter such as this is totally out of character.

waccoe wrote: »

I am really surprised that she doesn't at least want to know what happened at the counselling session.

I can guess. Rage,maybe. As in "All these years, he is emotionally cold and distant and now he expects warmth and understanding on my part because finally he has decided to go for counselling?! After 30 years of treating me to the cold, silent, disinterested treatment? Let's see how he likes it when I dish out the same to him!"

Maybe, as she thinks back on the 30 years you've put her through, (try to stand in her shoes for a minute and see how it has been for her; you now know for sure because it sounds like she is dishing the same out to you), it makes her so mad to think only now are you doing something about it?

waccoe wrote: »

I am pretty miserable but I am not going to throw 30 years together away.
I am relying on the counselling.

It's not the past you are throwing away. You have already had that past. You have your memories to prove it. Just maybe your experience of the past is different from hers.

Your wife not being interested in how you are going, and going away all the time; she sounds angry, and, from what you have posted on here, I can't say I blame her. But at some point, however dissatisfied she has been, she will have to take responsibility for the fact that she chose to stick around and endure whatever emotional wilderness she thinks she has been stuck in.

dktreesea

Many years ago I was in a woman's support group, ran by an older lady who ran one of the local companies. At one point there was a lady there, about the same age as her, talking about how passive and disinterested her husband was, how he was never interested in her, didn't court her/take her out. Just blanked her when she brought up stuff that was important to her but which he couldn't be bothered with. Apparently this had gone on for years. The woman in the session handed her a crowbar and said to her to go home and treat her husband to it, until she considered he was in as much pain as he had inflicted on her, and to have no doubt, this treatment would definitely "wake him up".

Brutal, but she made a good point. People can complain all they like but ultimately, if they are not going to do anything about it, then there is no point complaining.

Your wife telling you about the affair? Maybe that was her crowbar moment.

waccoe_2

dktreesea, is it all men you don't like or just me?