Affair, can't forget

marisco_2

Sometimes I feel sorry for judgemental people and their boring lives. Other times I am jealous. I wish I had as much time to concern myself with things that are none of my business as you do dktreesea.

poet123

marisco wrote: »

Sometimes I feel sorry for judgemental people and their boring lives. Other times I am jealous. I wish I had as much time to concern myself with things that are none of my business as you do dktreesea.

I am not sure that is entirely fair. We have heard one side of the story here. I suspect DT is playing Devil's Advocate and putting a possible scenario forward that could be the one the OP's wife would detail here had she been able to tell us her side of the story.

You have taken onboard all the OP has said, and I have no doubt that is how he sees it, but clearly he wants to save this marriage and having someone point out what the cause of the discord/coldness could be may be very helpful in the longer term.

I return to my point further up the thread, empathising and offering advice based purely on what you take from one side of a story is dangerous and often counter productive.

justme111

marisco wrote: »

Sometimes I feel sorry for judgemental people and their boring lives. Other times I am jealous. I wish I had as much time to concern myself with things that are none of my business as you do dktreesea.

Sounds comical said by someone who posts far more than any other participant of this forum. If one disagrees with what's said than of course one has to become personal and say negative stuff about the opponent , eh.

Op , if someone says something you font like to you it does not mean that one foes not like you. I suspect drtreesea been in a position of your wife or similar before .

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

dktreesea, is it all men you don't like or just me?

To be fair, I dont think anything the poster said has been offensive, its been to the point, but Im really not sure there was a need for that comment.

There are some women who have been abused in the past and it might colour their view on certain situations, but asking someone if they dont like all men?

dktreesea

marisco wrote: »

Sometimes I feel sorry for judgemental people and their boring lives. Other times I am jealous. I wish I had as much time to concern myself with things that are none of my business as you do dktreesea.

Whose being judgemental? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You sound like someone who takes personal offence at everyone who doesn't agree with your narrow point of view.

dktreesea

waccoe wrote: »

dktreesea, is it all men you don't like or just me?

??? OP, from what you have said so far on this forum, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that your wife is no longer interested in your company.

Why are you only making this effort now, to open up, to communicate better? Why now, after 30 years of marriage, the last few years of which you have spent feeling hurt and sorry for yourself after your wife had an affair?

To me, telling your current partner about an affair you had is pretty callous behaviour. But I also see the other side, as in wondering what was going on in your relationship that a) could drive her into the arms of another man, and b) torment you by telling you about it.

catriona79

Fluff15 wrote: »

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Look for those in your area that specialise in relationship/couples counselling. You might not find the right one straight away, but keep trying until you find a counsellor that you feel comfortable with. Many do free assessments and won't be offended if you can't go back. Go alone at first, learn how to deal with your feelings and try and talk to your wife about it. Once she knows how you feel, suggest going together. You've done nothing but bottle it up for so long, it isn't healthy. Communication is key.

Waccoe, I've just caught up on this thread. I'm really sorry that you've been feeling like this in the last 6 years.

I would recommend searching for a psychotherapist (over a counsellor), one who specialises in the psychodynamic approach. Please google your location and "psychodynamic therapy / therapist" and you are bound to find some good ones.

catriona79

waccoe wrote: »

My wife came home yesterday tea-time after her 2 nights away.
She has not mentioned my appointment with the counsellor and it has not been referred to since our texts and before anyone replies, no, I don't think it is for me to bring it up.

I think this, together with the text you sent to your wife (in which you were quite accusatory, in my opinion, it felt like you having a go at her about the possibility of her telling her cousin) is very telling of your expectations of your wife and the dynamics of the relationship.

I really feel for you, I too have been cheated on, and it was so incredibly hurtful.

But I think you need to look carefully at how you communicate in your relationship, both of you. I'm trying to put myself in your wife's shoes. In your text you:
a) did not ask how She was feeling/ whether She got there safely (I am used to my partner always doing this and think it shows caring)
accused her of wanting to blabber your secret out to her cousin, rather that asking in a peaceful/ non-confrontational way, for her to keep your appointment w/ counsellor to herself
C) sent a message that was a cry for help - that does not sound very contained....
I had imagined you were the quiet type, but there is something in your text to her that is rather self - focused, and almost asking for sympathy - and I get the feeling that you feel entitled to this, especially from the insight quoted above, where you say that after telling your wife you were going to your appt, you expected it to be her duty to take over and look after your well being and make it her priority. While I understand where this is coming from, and that you are due sympathy, I do think you need to put this into context; the affair happened 6 years ago.

I would like to know how you have communicated to your wife your upset in the last 6 years.
I think it's important to get the full picture of the situation.

I think your wife read the cry for help in your text, and gave you sympathy in return. She also followed up with a text (after time to think about it) asking you about the issues, showing a genuine iinterest. I think her response was more helpful to the situation than your text.

While I sympathise with you and get a definite feeling that you have a severely damaged soul, I would also stress the point made here earlier: there are two sides to this coin.

I think it's wonderful that you prepared a meal for her return and cleaned the house - those are wonderful acts of love.

You clearly are a wonderful husband, and you have been loyal to your wife. But please appreciate how Important it is for you to take responsibility for yourself, your feelings and your actions.
We are all afraid of change, as it is scary. You have been together for 30 years. You have stated your preference to stay with your wife, over splitting up. But is it fair on both of you? You seem to torment yourself with your anguish. I wonder how this comes across to your wife, it must be hard for her to deal with too... But judging by the texts you sent (and I may be wrong, so please feel free to tell me if I am!) you do let her know of your feelings and expect her to make it better for you, to be the carer, to sort it out. You feel hurt that after communicating to her that you have an appt with a therapist, the first thing on her mind isn't giving you strokes. What I think is happening here is that the two of you are not communicating very effectively.
On a positive note, I think your wife's responses are helpful and constructive.
I could see very easily, that with many people getting a text like the one you sent her about her telling her cousin that you had a counselling session planned, would elicit a reaction of self-defence and perhaps dismissing the author's emotions ("if you are pre-judging me, then deal with your burden yourself!"), whereas she reassured you, which to me shows that she cares greatly.
Please think of how you ask her for help.
Think of how cooperative you would be if someone asked for help and accused you of something on the same breath. Just make the communication work.

I think there is a lot of pent up anger within you, which your personality is not letting you express. You need to work through that with the counsellor, then you can talk to your wife.

She definitely needs to hear how much she has hurt you and you deserve a proper acknowledgment and apology, in order to move on. You have not had closure and you clearly need it.

Good luck!!

waccoe_2

Thanks for all your posts, although I might not agree with all of them they certainly give me something to think about and I do respect your opinions.
I will try and find time today to reply to some of them.
I am just setting off now for my second appointment with the counseller.

catriona79

waccoe wrote: »

No, I can't say she has shown any remorse or regret. As it hasn't been discussed much I can only go on what little she has said and knowing what she is like. I think if you asked her why she would say that it was my lack of affection and communication and basically it was my fault, I drove her away. She would probably have much more to say than that once she let loose!
"How do you think that she feels about it now?"
I am not sure she regrets the affair but probably regrets telling me. I think she would say I should get over it and stop being so pathetic.

Hmmm the kind of affair she had did not fulfil her needs for affection and communication, surely?
She needs to take responsibility for her actions, and I think it's important that you hear her acknowledge it. It might be the starting point for you to begin healing