Affair, can't forget

Lunar_Eclipse

I've read the whole thread and your last post waccoe was perhaps the most heartbreaking. I'm extremely shocked by your wife's apparent disinterest in your marriage as I would expect her to be concerned about the relationship consequences of your counselling, and interested in how it affects you. It is also very sad that you don't have her obvious support.

To be honest, I'm not sure where you go from here at all. All my thoughts about replying to the text are negative or potentially inflammatory. I think I would be very tempted to ask her whether she's already left the marriage. (Sorry to write something so hurtful.)

I would like to say that I am very impressed with your approach and progress waccoe. You sound like such a lovely person to me.

londoner01

I think that the lack of response to you sharing that you'd start with counselling, and the accusatory text on Saturday, are signs that she's not used to seeing you as someone who would have your own opinions, show your feelings or present problems, and she can't cope with the fact that now you have your own voice.
That's not to say she shouldn't be able to cope with it or you don't have a right to your own voice, of course.

Like others, I question how invested she is in your relationship if she shuts off any attempt at conversation. But you clearly still are and perhaps a good way around it would be to try and think how you could ease a person who's perhaps a little too used to getting her own way into understanding that a relationship is between two people who both have needs.

I wonder whether your feelings about trying to communicate things with her have changed since you started this thread, you seem more confident in at least trying it? Saturday didn't go down too well, has you made any attempts since? Perhaps it's worth seeing whether your counsellor has any advice? The only thing I can think of is to write your thoughts - as you're already kind of doing in your diary? - as that may be a way to at least have a chance to make your points the way you would like them without getting interrupted. I do question whether she wouldn't just dismiss it without engaging with it, though.
I'm sorry, it's not great help! But keep at it, I do feel a sense of progress if not for both at least for you!

justme111

It's a hard work when both people are entrenched in the behaviour it is not helpful but they don't even notice..
She was not appreciative of you , and you did not have.to chose confrontational offended path either. You could have joked about it. Or chose to ignore it . Or chose to say something nice to her instead , making a point of appreciating something about her she would want to be appreciated on. Instead you chosen to criticize het in a defensive reaction.. when we live with someone for long we fall into destructive patterns.. can you imagine how would you reply to that comment about lilies if it was made by whoever else, not her ..

spirit

I wonder whether she is actually hiding from you because she doesn't want to open a can of worms. Going away on the bank holiday weekend and then pretty much straight away to your cottage. Then choosing to communicate with you by text and not in person.

Some might see it that she has a good life (in comparison to how some people live). She's pretty much completed bringing up her children and is now free to go off and do things at a whim - i.e. to your cottage.

Maybe she doesn't want to upset the apple cart and risk losing that?

Not saying it's wrong or right, just my view.

scooby088

OP I would say from your last post that your wife has no respect for your opinion or views, to say things are boring are to say the least an insult to you. But I could also see your wifes point of view that she does the housework on a daily basis and gets no thanks.

For me if I was in that kind of relationship no matter how much I loved them I would have to walk away and consider life on my own.

Pixiechic

Hey Waccoe, glad to hear from you again

Sorry that things have not been great with your wife.
Given how your wife is being with you, I think that the counselling is even more important for you.

She doesn't seem to be on the same page as you but in a lot of ways, that isn't the point. You can't change your wife, but you can change how you deal and cope with her. This is about you being happy and putting your needs and wants on an equal level.

This is your journey, a way to validate yourself and I hope, in the process, be able to be more assertive.

You are trying to please her, looking for her to validate you and at the moment, it seems futile and upsetting.

If my OH had said that to me after I had made an effort for him I would have responded with something like 'If the lilies were so important to you, why didn't you look after them or take them with you? As you can see, I have made an effort with the house and I am happy with it'.

Keeping_Motivated

I can understand you might feel bad about the way she reacted however I wonder if you are in victim mode? If the affair is still fore front in your mind I assume you feel like a victim? So every small negative she picks on crushes you more than it maybe would if you felt empowered? Does that make sense?

'We' are aware of how you are feeling re the affair however your wife is not and are you/we expecting her to be reacting/treating you a certain way as if she has the knowledge of your present thoughts and feelings?

I'm not defending your wife as clearly there are issues on both sides however if I had a load of deep seated issues at the forefront of my mind and heart but my husband was unaware then I am assuming that some of the things he said and did might make me feel wounded and I would feel more of a victim.... Am I making clear what I mean here?

Janey3

Have read your thread, waccoe, and feel so sad for you.
I would have told my partner to shove the dam lillies where the sun don't shine.

kelpie35

Oh waccoe my heart goes out to you. :A

You have the patience of a saint. I know what I would have done....

Walked out and told her.............see you when you show me respect.

waccoe_2

Wow, so many replies to my last post, all are either constructive, helpful or supportive, thanks.
I love the support but I can also take criticism as I am not perfect and probably have some annoying habits.
I am just going to carry on with the counselling for myself as this may lead me to being able communicate better with my wife.

scooby088 wrote: »

But I could also see your wifes point of view that she does the housework on a daily basis and gets no thanks.

The family and I probably don't thank her daily but we do tell her of our appreciation of all that she does for us around the home, the lilies that have caused the last problem are part of my appreciation, I buy them every week for her because they are her favourites.