Affair, can't forget

Acc72

waccoe wrote: »

Just home from my first counselling session and it went really well.

Now she has gone away to the cottage until Saturday.
Looks like I am doing this alone. (with some help from people on here)

I am glad that your first session went well.

With regards to your wife's behaviour, it seems that you feel as though she is withdrawing from you - but is she also withdrawing from other family and friends ?

eg. cancelling a shopping trip with your daughter and then going to the cottage alone for days ?

Has she always done this, or is it a recent development ?

Whilst away, does she communicate with other friends and family ?

Is her current behaviour "normal" for her or has it changed ?

Has anybody else (eg. your children) noticed a change in her behaviour ? - what have they said ? / have they spoken to her about it ?

You have focussed on the single issue of the affair from 10 years ago (I still don't understand why this issue has been raised now), however from what you say I still believe that from your wifes perspective there may be a whole host of other factors that are affecting her at the moment (children leaving home, empty nest, getting older, feeling less attractive than she once was etc.) and the actual affair may not be as dig a factor for her as it is for you.

It seems to me as though everybody is tip-toeing around her and not wanting to raise the issue (again, is this how you and your family have always behaved ?).

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

When I left for the meeting my wife wasn't awake so I left her a note. On my return she never referred to it or asked any questions. Now she has gone away to the cottage until Saturday.
Looks like I am doing this alone. (with some help from people on here)

I am very pleased to hear that the session went well and that you have confidence in the counsellor to help and guide you forward from this point. It shows real effort on your part that you are doing this.

I will be completely honest with you and say that I found what I have quoted above, to be an abhorrent way for your wife to treat you. It is just so far removed from how I would handle the situation, if a partner of mine were needing to have counselling, to address issues in our relationship. To me it displays that your wife has a very cold disconnection from you and a total lack of interest in giving any support for what you are attempting to achieve.

I sincerely hope that I have this wrong and obviously you know your wife far better than I do, but could this time away be for your wife to make a decision about what she wants to happen next in your marriage?

I have no doubt that you are capable of doing this alone but seriously waccoe why should you. Also regardless of what you learn from counselling, if your wife doesn't start to meet you half way and enable you to use all those skills, then they will have no positive effect on your relationship.

waccoe_2

Acc72 wrote: »

With regards to your wife's behaviour, it seems that you feel as though she is withdrawing from you - but is she also withdrawing from other family and friends ?

No.

Acc72 wrote: »

eg. cancelling a shopping trip with your daughter and then going to the cottage alone for days ?

To be fair she postponed her trip to the cottage for a day to take our Daughter shopping.

Acc72 wrote: »

Has she always done this, or is it a recent development ?

People seem to be focusing on the way she has changed recently, she hasn't, it is me that is trying to get to the demons in my head about the affair and to find a way to communicate my feelings about it to her.

Acc72 wrote: »

Whilst away, does she communicate with other friends and family ?

Yes, constantly.

Acc72 wrote: »

Is her current behaviour "normal" for her or has it changed ?

Totally normal.

Acc72 wrote: »

Has anybody else (eg. your children) noticed a change in her behaviour ? - what have they said ? / have they spoken to her about it ?

Nobody has commented at all.

Acc72 wrote: »

You have focussed on the single issue of the affair from 10 years ago (I still don't understand why this issue has been raised now), however from what you say I still believe that from your wifes perspective there may be a whole host of other factors that are affecting her at the moment (children leaving home, empty nest, getting older, feeling less attractive than she once was etc.) and the actual affair may not be as dig a factor for her as it is for you.

It hasn't just been raised now, I have had it on my mind since she told me 6 years ago, it is only now I have decided that I need to get it out of my head. I can only imagine but I don't think the affair is anywhere near as big a thing to her as it is to me.

Acc72 wrote: »

It seems to me as though everybody is tip-toeing around her and not wanting to raise the issue (again, is this how you and your family have always behaved ?).

The affair has nothing to do with anybody else but me and her. It is only me that tip-toes around her.
Thanks for your points and for giving me this chance to reply.

waccoe_2

marisco wrote: »

I will be completely honest with you and say that I found what I have quoted above, to be an abhorrent way for your wife to treat you. It is just so far removed from how I would handle the situation, if a partner of mine were needing to have counselling, to address issues in our relationship. To me it displays that your wife has a very cold disconnection from you and a total lack of interest in giving any support for what you are attempting to achieve.

I have to admit that she has even suprised me this time. She will have her reasons but I can't imagine what they are and to keep quiet on a matter such as this is totally out of character

marisco wrote: »

I sincerely hope that I have this wrong and obviously you know your wife far better than I do, but could this time away be for your wife to make a decision about what she wants to happen next in your marriage?

I don't think she feels there are any decisions for her to take, it is for me to come to terms with it.

marisco wrote: »

I have no doubt that you are capable of doing this alone but seriously waccoe why should you. Also regardless of what you learn from counselling, if your wife doesn't start to meet you half way and enable you to use all those skills, then they will have no positive effect on your relationship.

Perhaps if I use the skills I am hoping to learn then she might meet me half way.
Thanks again for all you support marisco.

Springbean

Her lack of care or interest in you and your feelings is shocking, what sort of a relationship is that? At one of the times you need her most- where is she? She has really behaved badly and left you to pick up the pieces whilst she enjoys the fruits of your labour with god knows who.

I would print this thread off and either put it on her bedside table or post it to the cottage.

waccoe_2

Springbean wrote: »

Her lack of care or interest in you and your feelings is shocking, what sort of a relationship is that? At one of the times you need her most- where is she? She has really behaved badly and left you to pick up the pieces whilst she enjoys the fruits of your labour with god knows who.

I am really suprised that she doesn't at least want to know what happened at the counselling session.
You probably think I am stupid but I am sure she is not with anyone or seeing anyone.

Springbean wrote: »

I would print this thread off and either put it on her bedside table or post it to the cottage.

No, this posting is for me, a safe haven to put down my thoughts.

dandelionclock30

I believe that most people are not monogamous and its just easier to accept that partners will sleep with other people. Thats just the way it is I'm afraid.
Your wife got a better offer and took it, end of story. What you have to decide is how to handle your feelings.If you cant forget and forgive and continue to torture yourself then maybe its better for you to move on.

waccoe_2

Thanks dandelion for taking time to reply but we are not going to agree on this one.

Springbean

I don't think you're stupid. I just can't really see what you're getting out of this marriage. You have been living like this for 10 years now after her affair. I can understand you not wanting to throw away a long marriage but this? Is it really enough for you? I would be absolutely miserable. I hope counselling helps you.

waccoe_2

Springbean wrote: »

I don't think you're stupid. I just can't really see what you're getting out of this marriage. You have been living like this for 10 years now after her affair. I can understand you not wanting to throw away a long marriage but this? Is it really enough for you? I would be absolutely miserable. I hope counselling helps you.

Sorry, stupid was the wrong word but I couldn't spell nieve! lol.
I am pretty miserable but I am not going to throw 30 years together away.
I am relying on the counselling.