Affair, can't forget

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

No, I can't say she has shown any remorse or regret. As it hasn't been discussed much I can only go on what little she has said and knowing what she is like. I think if you asked her why she would say that it was my lack of affection and communication and basically it was my fault, I drove her away. She would probably have much more to say than that once she let loose!
"How do you think that she feels about it now?"
I am not sure she regrets the affair but probably regrets telling me. I think she would say I should get over it and stop being so pathetic.

The problem is, neither of you are talking and nothing is going to change until you do.
And you do have the power to tell her face to face that you want to talk about the issues that have arisen within the marriage.
There is something wrong if shes spending 4 nights out of 7 away from the house and doesnt seem to want to be in your company.

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

I had thought about it but she would go absolutely ballistic and tell me I was being unfaithful with you lot! Lol.

I think you are going to have to tell her something about how you feel, face to face and not in a text.

I dont think either of you can go on like this. You just accepting everything, including her time spent away from the home and her just withdrawing emotionally from you.

In the days since you've posted this thread, you could have had a proper conversation, what would it matter if she went ballistic, its better than silence.

And your kids must be aware that theres an atmosphere in the house.

waccoe_2

Hi paulineb
This is part of the reason I am going to counselling so I can talk to her about it.
It is not a concern that she is away for 4 out of 7 nights but I can see how it may look to an outsider This is exceptional.

waccoe_2

Sorry paulineb but you have me so wrong. To me silence is better than ballistic, this is the way I was brought up, and sorry to say it again, but another reason for me to get counselling.

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

Sorry paulineb but you have me so wrong. To me silence is better than ballistic, this is the way I was brought up, and sorry to say it again, but another reason for me to get counselling.

Im not here to psycho analyse you to be fair and I wasnt trying to.

I know people who dont like confrontation and I understand their reasons why.

However looking at this from the outside in, you are very unhappy, she doesnt look like shes happy. You arent communicating with her nor she you, not to any great extent.

Im not sure that counselling will change the way you deal with stressful situations particularly if you have reacted to life in a certain way for a long period of time.

What I mean is, if you dont like talking, you dont. But, I stand by what I said. In the time that you have taken to post on here you could have asked your wife to sit down and talk about things.

It doesnt need to be ranting, screaming and shouting. I dont know what type of counselling you are going for, whether its one where you talk, they listen, whether its something like cognitive behavioural therapy, but the effort has to come from you and Im sure you'll make it.

But theres just so much unhappiness in this whole situation, Im not sure that its going to be resolved without speaking to your wife at some stage in the process.

Because counselling might help you deal with what has gone on in the past, but the pair of you also need to move forward, hopefully with a bit of happiness as well.

waccoe_2

Thanks for that reply paulineb, I agree with all that you say here apart from "It doesnt need to be ranting, screaming and shouting." This is how my wife always ends up when we do try to talk.

vanessav

It sounds like there is an unspoken rule in your house - don't upset her. Do your children avoid confrontation with their Mum as well? If so, then the issue is less to do with your silence and more to do with your wife's furious reactions to anything she does not like. If someone is a rage-aholic then avoidance is a reasonable and understandable response! But maybe the counselling will help you find other strategies to deal with this.

dktreesea

**Patty** wrote: »

I want to pick up on this because you raised the same point in a previous post.

It's not up to 1 person to *make their partner happy*.

You can't make someone happy......you may pacify them for a short while, but ultimately, personal happiness & satisfaction has to come from within.

The OP's wife seems to think he should make her happy. It ain't his job:cool:

Sure, but being in a relationship takes effort, on both sides. From what OP describes, here's a woman who brought up 5 children as a SAHM (bringing up two can be a thankless task for SAHM's; I can't imagine what it must feel like to be doing that in a traditional household where the man goes out to work and the woman is just expected to cope and get on with it, as if she were a lone parent. OP, I am not saying this was the case in your relationship - just that being a SAHM is hard work. I haven't done that, thank goodness, but my Mum did, and I think at times the boredom and isolation drove her mad.

And yes, I think my Mum did expect Dad, at least some of the time, to put her first, and address her needs and share her interests. But he just very rarely did. He sounds similar to the OP to me; as nice enough guy but kind of remote and uncommunicative.

waccoe_2

I have been been very fortunate in my work as my business only takes up a couple of hours a day. So I have always been around to help with the children. This is why we decide to have 5 children.

waccoe_2

In reply to you , vanesav, my wife does not lose her temper with the children, it is always me.