Affair, can't forget

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

No, this posting is for me, a safe haven to put down my thoughts.

I am glad that you feel this way waccoe. It is important for you to have an avenue where you can release all you are thinking and feeling, whilst benefiting from the advice and perspectives of others. There may also be people reading this thread, who find themselves in similar circumstances to you who do not feel able to post, but can take any help that they feel applies to their individual situation.

Acc72

waccoe wrote: »

I don't think she feels there are any decisions for her to take, it is for me to come to terms with it.

Further to your reply to my previous post, I kind of agree with the above.

It sounds as though post-affair your wife is just as she always has been, and it she probably feels that it is you that has changed.

Have you felt this way for the last 6 years ?

If so, is there an event that has caused you to bring this issue to the fore now ?

If not, why are you now raising this issue ?

It sounds as though your wife had an affair 10 years ago and has moved on and forgotten about it, however you have clearly not.

Seeing the counsellor on your own may be beneficial to get things off your chest. Then hopefully you can both attend joint sessions in the future and move forward.

poet123

Can I just (as someone who has had some counselling training) add a note of caution?

Although lots of people on here will try to help, and have the best of intentions, many of them come to the subject with their own personal baggage and that may skew their take on your situation (which is obviously more complex than you can go into here) and colour their advice.

Whilst some of the advice may be what you want to hear, which may mean you gravitate towards that, it may not be what you need to hear to move your situation forward. My point is that real changes/insights are better effected from the advice given by your professional than from those who are offering support on here.

Take the support by all means but keep the support and the advice separate in your head.

Pixiechic

I agree with poet123, hence why the counselling is the best option

We are good for a chat, rant, laugh, whinge or moan though

waccoe_2

Hi Poet123
Thanks for your posting and yes, I am aware of that.

jetplane

waccoe wrote: »

Just home from my first counselling session and it went really well.
From what she had heard, obviously only my side, that my wife was the parent and I was the child. My wife tells me off and criticisies me, I try to please her and when I don't I go quiet. This will never work, we need to be equal.

I'm please your session went well, although to some it may sound like your wife who is acting like a child while you take all of the responsibility. However there is a really good book on the parent / adult / child, it is called 'counselling for toads' and is told as a story based on the wind in the willows characters which makes it an easy and interesting read. You may never change the way your wife behaves but you may get some insight into how you respond. This is a link to the kindle edition, although it can also be bought in paperback.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Counselling-Toads-Psychological-Adventure-ebook/dp/B000FA622A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369933405&sr=8-1&keywords=counselling+for+toads

You can also find links on the web to the parent/child/adult model

paulineb_2

waccoe wrote: »

Sorry, stupid was the wrong word but I couldn't spell nieve! lol.
I am pretty miserable but I am not going to throw 30 years together away.
I am relying on the counselling.

Relying on the counselling to do what?

You cant save this marriage and it does look as if its in real trouble, even if youve been muddling along for years, unless your wife starts talking to you, not shouting, talking.

Otherwise you'll just end up going forward in the same patterns as before, both of you.

I can absolutely understand why you dont want to throw a long term relationship away.

But you could both live for another 35-40 years

And if its miserable, thats another few decades of misery

You cant do the working on fixing this marriage on your own, with nil input from her, it has to be a joint effort.

bagpussbear

waccoe wrote: »

I am pretty miserable but I am not going to throw 30 years together away.
I am relying on the counselling.

Can I be the only one on here that shuddered slightly when I read these 2 sentences?

OP well done on going to your first counselling session, that's a big step and sounds very much a positive one. Am shocked your wife has not mentioned anything about it yet.

But what are you "relying" on the counselling to sort exactly? It won't wave a magic wand and suddenly you'll feel you can cope just fine about the affair, and live happily ever after.

One could argue that your wife's affair and consequent way she has treated you would be deemed as throwing your marriage away also.

My advice is to go into this open minded, without thinking the result must be one way or another. You want peace and resolution. How and in what form that resolution will come, only time will tell.

I will share this with you - a couple of years back I had lengthy counselling sessions, once a week for almost a year (not for relationship purposes I might add). During that time I experienced a wide range of emotions, thoughts and different opinions. I also reached a lightbulb moment of the realisation of how wrong it was of others to treat me as they did, and that I did have a choice of how I expect to be treated in the future, and what I will accept and will not accept. I found my strength, and that strength makes me make better decisions in my life.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave your wife, of course only you can make that choice, but what worries me is that you seem to be going to the counsellor to try and feel better, or get over, the affair, when in fact there are two people in this marriage, one of which seems hell bent on disregarding your feelings.

My genuine and heartfelt advice is to go to the sessions with an open mind, and see where that takes you, your emotions may be up and down. But ultimately your wife needs to take an interest, and hopefully participation at a future date.

Hope I haven't offended you by anything I've written here OP, not meant to, just being honest and offering a perspective.

shellsuit

She's gone to retreat to the cottage, and it's not the first time.

What is she retreating from?

She doesn't work, all the kids are grown up, so what exactly does she need a break for/from?

waccoe_2

shellsuit wrote: »

She's gone to retreat to the cottage, and it's not the first time.

What is she retreating from?

She doesn't work, all the kids are grown up, so what exactly does she need a break for/from?

To be fair shellsuit, I never said she was retreating, she has gone because she enjoys it, I have plenty of space and time to do what I want to do. I am just still suprised that she has not mentioned my counselling session.