Affair, can't forget

dktreesea

waccoe wrote: »

Thanks for that reply paulineb, I agree with all that you say here apart from "It doesnt need to be ranting, screaming and shouting." This is how my wife always ends up when we do try to talk.

It's called frustration. You probably retreat into silence and that sets her off? Maybe, in spite of bringing up a large family together, and devoting many years to doing so, you both just have to accept you are emotionally incompatible.

You can't just change from a non communicator into a communicator just like that. And you may not be quite right in your analysis of yourself. You communicate pretty well on this forum. Step back a bit. Think of, say, your work environment. There must be people there where you and they have a fair bit to say to each other, and others whom somehow, you and they just don't engage in much conversation? That's not because one or the other of you are poor communicators. It could just be you are not that interested in each other.

Have you thought much about what you have in common beyond the children? She's going to the cottage, which you don't really like going to. Is there anything you do really enjoy doing together? So what she looks great? Big deal. So do a lot of 60 year old women. I've met quite a few women in their 60s who don't look a day over 45. She clearly makes an effort to look good. More power her. But by the time you get to the "grown up children" stage of a relationship, it's time to focus on the things you have in common and enjoy doing together. If the answer to that is nothing, then that's either going to take a mammoth effort on both your parts to resolve, or you would both be better of with other, more compatible, people.

waccoe_2

I must say I haven't agreed with a lot that you have posted but that was pretty close to the truth but it is very painful to read but thank you for your frankness.

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

Sorry paulineb but you have me so wrong. To me silence is better than ballistic, this is the way I was brought up, and sorry to say it again, but another reason for me to get counselling.

I am going to ask rather a personal question which I totally understand you may not wish to answer waccoe. Has anything ever happened to you, that makes it extremely difficult for you to be in confrontational, aggressive and emotionally charged situations?

I ask this because this is how I am now due to my past. I was in, survived and left an extremely abusive marriage 7 years ago. I now find it impossible to be around anyone who shouts or screams or who appears to be losing their self control. I know that if I ever were to be in that position I would freeze, go numb and not be able to communicate all I was thinking and feeling.

This would partly be down to the fear and shock of what was going on but also because of an awareness that anything I said could escalate the persons anger. It can be extremely difficult for a passive individual to feel able to communicate with someone who handles conversations by shouting and screaming. It is a vicious circle because the dominant person feels unheard and the passive person feels unable to say all they wish to.

waccoe_2

Please ask away. There is nothing in my past regarding that. In my line of work and my voluntary work I encounter plenty of bad tempers, none of it bothers me but when my wife starts, now that is different.

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

Please ask away. There is nothing in my past regarding that. In my line of work and my voluntary work I encounter plenty of bad tempers, none of it bothers me but when my wife starts, now that is different.

I don't know what line of work you are in or what your voluntary work encompasses. I do get the impression though that as you are dealing with people who have bad tempers, that you most likely have gone through training to effectively handle your role, and have built up a large reserve of experience and knowledge in dealing with whatever is thrown at you. So when you approach work related issues and problems, you can think on your feet and know in very little time, how to defuse a situation and have the answers to resolve any problems.

It is not always so easy or simple to do this when dealing with personal issues. Emotions and feeling come into it and finding the answers takes more time and considered thought. If someone is shouting and screaming at you this leaves you feeling stressed, under pressure, vulnerable and unable to think straight. So you withdraw rather than risk the upset and ill feeling to escalate. You most likely feel frustrated because you think that if the situation were approached calmly then things could be resolved. Your wife who has a different approach is left feeling annoyed and unheard. Just my view of things but I hope in some small way it helps to give you a bit more clarity.

poet123

I think it is very true that people in a relationship can have polar opposite ideal ways of dealing with issues. My way is to talk and talk around it and explore every angle. My husband likes to have the bare bones and then reflect on it, then come back to it. It drives me insane, I cannot leave an issue mentally unresolved. Over the years we have worked out a compromise...he does it my way!! No, in reality we talk about whatever and then we agree a set time to revisit it, rather than just leaving it hanging.

waccoe_2

Marisco, as ever you hit the nail on the head. I never lose my temper, shout or show aggression, now in my work and especially my voluntary work this is essential but for my wife I come across as arrogant and cold and this infuriates her even more, and I see how it would.
The bit about not thinking straight when being screamed at really rings a bell. I am very confident with great self control until it comes to my wife when she is ranting on at me, then I get tongue tied and talk gibberish, lol.

Pixiechic

Hey waccoe, I hope it goes well today

waccoe_2

Just home from my first counselling session and it went really well.
She was a lovely lady, very welcoming and put me at ease straight away.
I told her the full story as told on here and it just flowed really easy. I could tell she was really listening and taking it all onboard as she kept referring back to things I had said.
She mainly listened but one thing she said really hit home. From what she had heard, obviously only my side, that my wife was the parent and I was the child. My wife tells me off and criticisies me, I try to please her and when I don't I go quiet. This will never work, we need to be equal.
I am really looking forward to my next session in a week's time.
When I left for the meeting my wife wasn't awake so I left her a note. On my return she never referred to it or asked any questions. Now she has gone away to the cottage until Saturday.
Looks like I am doing this alone. (with some help from people on here)

Pixiechic

Yes, you don't seem to be or feel, that you are her equal.

Good on you for going and you are not alone . We may just be people on a forum but some have big hearts, lots of life experience and we do care. In the absence of your wife's support, we are here

Waccoe, I'm losing the ability to say anything positive or even neutral about your 'wife', therefore I shall try not to mention her.

Well done again, onwards and upwards