Affair, can't forget

shellsuit

waccoe wrote: »

To be fair shellsuit, I never said she was retreating, she has gone because she enjoys it, I have plenty of space and time to do what I want to do. I am just still suprised that she has not mentioned my counselling session.

No offence taken, hard to explain, but this cottage is for her to retreat to, I have no problem with not being invited as she knows I don't really like going there.

You said this in response to somebody else, asking about the cottage.

waccoe_2

Sorry you are correct, perhaps I used the wrong word, again! lol. I hope the sun is shining where you are as much as it is here.

shellsuit

waccoe wrote: »

Sorry you are correct, perhaps I used the wrong word, again! lol. I hope the sun is shining where you are as much as it is here.

No worries!

Yes, the sun is shining here, hope it stays for a while!

dktreesea

Springbean wrote: »

Her lack of care or interest in you and your feelings is shocking, what sort of a relationship is that? At one of the times you need her most- where is she? She has really behaved badly and left you to pick up the pieces whilst she enjoys the fruits of your labour with god knows who.

I would print this thread off and either put it on her bedside table or post it to the cottage.

The fruits of the OP's labour? Does that mean that because the OP works his labour counts to what the OP and his wife have built together, but her part doesn't count because she was/is a SAHM?

Yes, her lack of caring when the OP is making the effort now to try to change and open up does seem callous, but I will bet that his wife has her supporters, who have been telling her for years that her husband's coldness/arrogance/lack of communicating/uncaring attitude etc etc was shocking and that she deserved better.

And does the OP actually need her to be involved? He seems to be doing rather well, both via the counselling and in this thread, dealing through his issues himself, without her support.

dktreesea

waccoe wrote: »

Sorry, stupid was the wrong word but I couldn't spell nieve! lol.
I am pretty miserable but I am not going to throw 30 years together away.
I am relying on the counselling.

You're not throwing the last 30 years away. You've had them. They are already in the past. Your link to them is your memories.

You have to think about what you want going forward. If you want a companion, someone to share your life with who likes your company and is interested in similar things and activities to you, then maybe your wife isn't the ideal person to pursue the rest of your life with.

Top_Girl

I haven't had chance to read the whole thread, but this is a part of the classic relationship triangle; in her eyes, and to a degree yours, you swing between being the nurturer/protector and the persecutor and she is always the victim.

Depression doesn't MAKE you cheat. It's not a justification, infidelity is still an active choice.

Where is your retreat?

It just sounds like you're both putting her first. Relationships need both people to have equal worth.

June_Cambridge

Hi Waccoe,

Haven't heard from you for a while, is everything ok

waccoe_2

Hi June
No, things have not been great.
I have stayed away from posting as I was getting a bit frustrated at people's comments when it was obvious they hadn't read the whole thread.
My wife came back from the cottage on Saturday and the first thing she said was "you haven't put any water in the vase of lilies".
I took a deep breath and planned my carefully worded reply. I planned to say, "perhaps rather than point out my mistake with the lilies, you could have said, the house looks clean and tidy and I see the washing has all been done and put away, next time please could you put some water in the lilies?"
I wait 10 minutes and ask if I could have a word?
I start to say, perhaps rather than point out my mistake with the lilies.........she raises her hands and as she walks away she says, this is boring!
I left her 5 minutes and then try to explain what I was trying to say. She replies that she does those jobs every day and rarely gets any thanks.
I just shut up.
The point I wanted to make was that I do these jobs on top of my own so that she can have time away and not return to a load of housework, but I failed, again.
After she went to bed she sent me a long text descibing me as bloke so very protective of his deeds and empty of any fun or ability to see anything other than a personal attack. Lighten up and STOP being a victim.

marisco_2

Oh waccoe I am genuinely lost for words. My perspective of this is that you were not trying to be a victim at all. If your wife had given you the chance to express your considered response to her then she could have seen that.

I expect you were saddened and disappointed by the text criticising you. Why would your wife choose to communicate with you in that way, when she could just have come and spoken with you and calmly talked things through? I am sorry for what you are going through and hope you are okay.

paulineb_2

I think it sounds very much like your wife has little interest in trying to make things any better. The going to the cottage on here own, the picking up on not putting water in a vase and her refusal to talk about anything thats upset you.