Affair, can't forget

waccoe_2

Fair point victory, I am working on it, believe me.

dktreesea

Heffi1 wrote: »

Sympathy for the OP is warranted as he has been the one who has had the dirty done to him. The wife is the one who did it.

Maybe you need to read it again, but if one partner cheats on another, then that partner (the one cheated on) deserves to have some sympathy shown to them, and for the other partner to be told that what they did was wrong.

There really is no other way of looking at it...unless you condone this type of cheating behaviour?

Just because I would rather move on than cheat on my partner doesn't mean I don't understand why some people would choose to have an affair instead.

I've known quite a few people having affairs over the years, both on the married side of the equation and the other man/woman side. The reason is pretty much always the same; their partner doesn't satisfy them and, for whatever reason, they are no longer prepared to put the effort in to resolve the situation. Some women try for years to get through their partner's passive exterior, trying to find the person behind the shell.

Keeping_Motivated

dktreesea wrote: »

Here's a woman who, instead of spending the long weekend with you, has decided to spend it with other people. Most couples who are still interested in each other, on the weekend, do things as a couple. They don't lead separate lives. I can't believe that she got to this point, of rather being with other people than being with you, on her own. Surely it takes two in a relationship to get to that point, not one?

My personal opinion on this is that there is nothing wrong with spending weekends/evenings away from a partner/husband. It does not mean that I 'prefer' to be with other people it means I enjoy my families/friends company too and do not need to always have my OH by my side. Does not mean I lead a separate life.

waccoe_2

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

My personal opinion on this is that there is nothing wrong with spending weekends/evenings away from a partner/husband. It does not mean that I 'prefer' to be with other people it means I enjoy my families/friends company too and do not need to always have my OH by my side. Does not mean I lead a separate life.

I agree, we spend plenty of time together, I am semi-retired, her spending time away is not a problem.

Debt_Free_Chick

dktreesea wrote: »

If you want to move on from this world of hurt, you need to not just accept your wife's past action but also your part in getting her to the point where she went and cheated on you.

This is very sound advice. When one person in a relationship cheats, you have to wonder what moved them into that particular place. I doubt that very many of those who have an affair sit down and rationally weigh it up, then conclude that "it would be a good idea". For many - many women, I think - it's effectively going off the rails. It's irrational behaviour and that's often (not always) a symptom of some mental turmoil - depression, breakdown, low self-esteem.

Affairs are behaviour and that's just superficial - you need to look beyond the behaviour to see what the root cause is.

It can be a painful process and the wronged party has to be prepared to hear things that will probably come as a surprise and may well take some time to accept. As another poster said earlier, communication is the key and listening is an essential part of communication too.

jetplane

waccoe from what you have written on this thread you seem to be a loyal person and a good provider, however it appears to me that you don't do emotions very well, either showing them or dealing with them. This is not meant as a criticism, I am the same and often this meant that, rather than confront my fear I bottled my emotion and pushed it down into the pit of my stomach where it would rise back up like bile and I would feel physically sick.

Many years ago I learned through counselling how not to do this, but initially confronting your feelings just brings more fear because you can't control what happens next. The status quo is threatened and you open yourself up to more hurt.

These texts that you and your wife have exchanged could be a watershed, maybe coming on here has given you the courage to take the first step into opening up to her. You have effectively opened up to strangers, tested the water so to speak and now maybe you can do the same with her.

I would not presume to know your marriage, however could your wife be pushing you for a reaction, perhaps telling you of the affair and inappropriate comments like afternoon delight are to get some reaction from you, even if it is anger. Your wife may be correct in thinking that you have never forgotten nor forgiven her for her affair, but rather than realising that you are struggling with the hurt she may think that you are cold towards her.

As for her affair, albeit very short, only she can tell you why, and it's alright saying that she had other choices but we don't always make the best or right choice.

wacoe you have to move forward, admitting your feelings about the affair might actually improve your relationship with your wife, short term it may be difficult but things are already difficult, long term it has to be good for you even if you can't see that now.

Good Luck and I hope the counselling helps.

waccoe_2

jetplane, you post is spot on, thank you for putting it into words for me. Iwouldn't change a thing you have written

Pixiechic

Hope all is well OP

waccoe_2

Hi Pixiechic
Everything is fine, thanks, just looking forward to the counselling session on Thursday.

**Patty**

dktreesea wrote: »

Just because I would rather move on than cheat on my partner doesn't mean I don't understand why some people would choose to have an affair instead.

I've known quite a few people having affairs over the years, both on the married side of the equation and the other man/woman side. The reason is pretty much always the same; their partner doesn't satisfy them and, for whatever reason, they are no longer prepared to put the effort in to resolve the situation. Some women try for years to get through their partner's passive exterior, trying to find the person behind the shell.

I want to pick up on this because you raised the same point in a previous post.

It's not up to 1 person to *make their partner happy*.

You can't make someone happy......you may pacify them for a short while, but ultimately, personal happiness & satisfaction has to come from within.

The OP's wife seems to think he should make her happy. It ain't his job:cool: