Affair, can't forget

amus

shellsuit wrote: »

If that's the case, I'm having it away with a neighbour over the back, his name is Paul and he's got ginger hair.

The reality is that I don't know any neighbours at the back and don't even know anyone called Paul with ginger hair.

It's just a joke I tell my husband when he comes home early from work. Hubby even plays along now himself, it's just a joke but neither of us have strayed.

If one of us had, those comments wouldn't be said, as it would be out of order IMO, even if it was a joke.

Which is exactly my point. The joke isnt out of place because you haven't strayed. If you had in the past had an affair with joe from across the road and confessed to it, the fact that you were then making jokes about shagging paul at the back would in the least be highly inappropriate, but IMO an indication there could be some truth in it.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

waccoe wrote: »

I don't think I will ever find out if she has had other affairs, I don't need to, this one hurts enough.
I just can't understand how she could have done it to me.
What could she see in a guy who cheats on his wife, she finds out, and then cheats on her again with the same woman 30 years later. It hurts that the woman I love could do that to the man's wife.
I can't imagine me ending our marriage, I can see how that may seem to people reading this, but I love her and I can't imagine my life without her.
We have been together 31 years, 5 wonderful children, pretty much all grown up now, I just need to find a way of stopping these thoughts eating away inside my head.

I can see that - I'm just pointing out that in the process of finding a way to stop the thoughts you might find out things that you really didn't want to know. Part of continuing the marriage might have to be the acceptance that it - and worse - happened.

marisco_2

amus wrote: »

Which is exactly my point. The joke isnt out of place because you haven't strayed. If you had in the past had an affair with joe from across the road and confessed to it, the fact that you were then making jokes about shagging paul at the back would in the least be highly inappropriate, but IMO an indication there could be some truth in it.

I agree that it would be inappropriate to joke in this way with a partner someone has strayed from in the past. It shows an arrogant disregard for, and a lack of acknowledgement about, the fragile state a partner may be left in after finding out about an affair. To do this is to prove that you hold someone in little regard and that considering their feelings is not your priority.

Keeping_Motivated

I agree with what everyone is saying about OP's wife making inappropriate jokes and perhaps being disrespectful however it is also important to point out that waccoe also needs to put boundaries in place. Its his responsibility too to make boundaries within the marriage and if he accepts these jokes without making it clear he finds it upsetting/inappropriate/uncool or however he feels about it then she is going to think it is 'ok'.

Remember from what has been said she was brought up with no boundaries where talking to each other was concerned so its normal to her. If waccoe is not happy to continue this way then he has to take responsibility in putting the respect boundaries in place.

I hope that makes sense. Just trying to say that although OP was brought up in a house where open discussion was not encouraged, his wifes obviously did, so it is now BOTH's responsibility to put boundaries in place so that going forward there is a happier medium.

Also waccoe I was just wondering what you would do if you found out she was/is having another affair? Would you end it?

Keeping_Motivated

Also just wanted to point out I am getting the impression that your wife thinks that counselling will 'fix' you and she will then have the 'perfect' husband.

She could end up actually having a shock as counselling might create a more assertive husband rather than a passive one which will mean she has to also change as an assertive communicator/husband will not be happy to accept such disrespect.

marisco_2

Waccoe may I ask what the set up of the counselling you have arranged is? By this I mean are you seeing someone on a one to one basis or is there going to be more than one counsellor present? Either of these options can produce good results. I raise this point because going for counselling is like anything else in life, it is a matter of finding a formula that works for you to get the very best out if it.

Let me explain where I am coming from. A few years back when I decided to go for counselling I saw one person over a few weeks and found it helpful but at the end of the course I felt I still needed more help.

So I went back to my gp and he recommended an alternative counselling service that worked in a different way. Two people were sat in the room with me, one man and one woman. At first I felt this set up would be a bit intimidating but decided I would give it a shot as I very much wanted to heal and to be able to move on. It started with me speaking about all I was thinking, feeling and trying to make sense of and they just listened without interrupting or asking questions. Then they took the lead and as I sat back and listened they had a conversaton between them, recalling all I had said and giving their perspective and views on it all. This was really useful to me. It was like being on the outside, looking in on my problems, hearing how other people saw things and would handle them. I felt removed from the issues for the first time and could better see the situations for what they were and how they could be resolved. This type of counselling worked best for me and I stuck with it until I felt I was okay and didn't need any further assistance or guidance.

I just wanted to post this to give you some insight as to what is available to you. Also to say that if it doesn't work first time round with the counselling service you recieve, dont give up on it as there are other methods to try. All the best to you.

waccoe_2

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Also just wanted to point out I am getting the impression that your wife thinks that counselling will 'fix' you and she will then have the 'perfect' husband.

She could end up actually having a shock as counselling might create a more assertive husband rather than a passive one which will mean she has to also change as an assertive communicator/husband will not be happy to accept such disrespect.

Both these points crossed my mind.

waccoe_2

marisco, it is one to one counselling, I am going private as I want to be seen straight away and do it while I in this frame of mind, I looked at several local ones on the Interernet and I liked the look of her face, lol.

waccoe_2

waccoe wrote: »

Again thanks for your replies.
I have text my wife.
"I have made an appointment to see a counseller this week to discuss my issues. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell ******(Cousin) this time as I don't need any of her observations. x"
She replied.
"Okay love, well done, speak when I see you. x"

Just got a text from my wife, first one since the one above.
"Look I wouldn't tell anyone about that text. But "I" do have a question, in your words, what are those issues? x"
I am trying to think of the right reply.

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

Just got a text from my wife, first one since the one above.
"Look I wouldn't tell anyone about that text. But "I" do have a question, in your words, what are those issues? x"
I am trying to think of the right reply.

Honesty is always the best policy in my opinion. My interpretation of your wifes text is that the penny has dropped as to why you are seeking counselling. Respect yourself enough to openly acknowledge with her why you are taking this course of action. I hope she will respect you for doing it and wish to support you through it.