Affair, can't forget

waccoe_2

Well my nightmare Bank Holiday has started.
My wife woke up early this morning, she never wakes up early. She was singing away at the top of her voice, she never sings first thing in the morning. She is going to stay at her Cousin's for today and the night for some girly time and then going shopping with her the next day, then tomorrow evening she is going to our eldest Daughter's, she has her own house, staying the night there and spending the next day with her, some quality Daughter/Mother time.
She will not be home again until Tuesday evening. It is fantastic that we have a life that allows us so much freedom.
Then the gremlins start getting into my head, I feel sick and close to tears.
Is she doing what she says she is doing?
Why can't I make her feel like getting up early and singing?

Alpha58

waccoe wrote: »

Is she doing what she says she is doing? Why can't I make her feel like getting up early and singing?

Waccoe, you are not going to know what she is doing and you will never make her feel like singing. That does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. It means that there is a lot wrong with your marriage.

Confront her. Ask her if the incident was one off. Ask her if she has done it before or since. Let her know how much of an issue it is and how much it is consuming you.

Tempting though it may be, don't follow her, don't check up on her, don't try to catch her out by asking others with whom she says she is spending time. Have a bit more self-respect that that.

Talk to a counsellor, chat it through with someone. What is going on in your head is not good for you and will not achieve anything. Trust me, been there.

Start making some plans for a different and better life. It should be better than this. Good luck and keep us posted if you are able.

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

It is fantastic that we have a life that allows us so much freedom.
Then the gremlins start getting into my head, I feel sick and close to tears.
Is she doing what she says she is doing?
Why can't I make her feel like getting up early and singing?

To my mind only one of you is living a life which allows so much freedom and to be enjoying it, this being your wife. You on the other hand are living a life where you are constantly racked with worry, anxiety, insecurity, doubt and an ever increasing lack of self worth. All this brought on by your wifes betrayal. Yet it is you who is questioning what is lacking in yourself that you cant make her feel great. Waccoe when was the last time she made you feel good and not sick and close to tears?

In my opinion those who you choose to be closest to you should enable you to feel happy, secure, loved, valued and respected. Someone who makes you laugh in the good times and who you know you can rely on to help you through the tough times. Who you can trust to not take advantage and to genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.

waccoe_2

I have no intention of following her or checking on her, but it is hard. I am 95% sure she is not upto anything but the 5% is the killer, lol.

Alpha58

waccoe wrote: »

it is hard... the 5% is the killer, lol.

Strength, brother, you are among friends and safely anonymous. There are some allodoxaphobics around but there are generally some very helpful posts - and you are right, marisco is very level headed.

Think not of what has been done to you, think rather of how much better your life will be when you take back control. Carpe diem!

marisco_2

waccoe wrote: »

the 5% is the killer, lol.

I think you have come on a long way in the few days since you started this thread. I hope that you will continue to recieve alot of support on here, from the many wonderful people who come onto this forum and willingly offer their advice. Hopefully this combined with your counselling sessions, will enable you to make an informed decision over your future happiness.

It wont always be easy and I know from experience that you are going to come up against emotional challenges as you navigate your way through all this. Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed till it is faced. You are strong enough to do this waccoe.

marisco_2

dktreesea wrote: »

From reading through this thread it sounds like, by your own admission, you lack the necessary open-ness and self knowledge emotionally to be able to make the intimate connection with her that she has needed over the years. If she had been happy with the little attention you were giving her she wouldn't have strayed.

And you are 95% sure based on what? You're clearly not happy in your relationship. And she wasn't exactly looking forward to spending any part of her long weekend with you.

You certainly know how to kick a man when he is down dont you. What spiteful and vindictive things to write. In my book the only time you should look down at someone is when you are helping them up.

To look down on someone and make such unfounded statements that you cannot qualify shows you up, not waccoe.

tayforth

marisco - you took the words out of my mouth.

Pechow

If she was unhappy in the relationship, she was perfectly capable of leaving and finding someone who did make her happy. She was the one who chose to go around behind OP's back-and it wasn't a spur of the moment thing either, it was planned out over a long time period-and she's the one in the wrong. If she had told OP that she was unhappy, and he didn't do anything, maybe I could sympathize- but she was still the one who went around behind his back.

Hiring a private eye is irrelevant-the point is that the trust has gone, and even if OP hired one and they found nothing, he is still going to feel badly about the affair in the past and the current state of the relationship. Hiring a private eye is just going to keep him thinking about those thoughts, and waiting for evidence of any misdoing, instead of working on communication (with the wife or with a therapist) and moving on.

Alpha58

dktreesea wrote: »

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and decide, if anything, what you want to do about it. From reading through this thread it sounds like, by your own admission, you lack the necessary open-ness and self knowledge emotionally to be able to make the intimate connection with her that she has needed over the years. If she had been happy with the little attention you were giving her she wouldn't have strayed.

That is uncalled for. How can you know what the OP has or has not done?

dktreesea wrote: »

why not hire a private eye just to find out if she is really doing what she claims?

Why not? Because that is the start of obsession and it is a long and dark path. Trust me, it's not productive and not healthy. On top of that, we don't have "private eyes" in the UK and although you will find plenty of failed policemen who will promise that that they can uncover whatever you want, it will potentially land you in very deep water in terms of privacy legislation. Leave it, it's poor advice.

If you start to double-check everything she is doing, it will consume your life. Believe me, it's not worth it and will achieve nothing.

The only way forward is to find out from here how she feels and plan accordingly. Again, best of luck.