Affair, can't forget

poet123 · 25 May 2013 at 3:26PM

Do you think this affair stemmed from unfinished business with her ex that had been playing on her mind for years? It would appear from what you have said that he chose not to continue the affair not her, so yet again, she has not called the shots with him, but maybe she does with you?

I think she is looking for you to stand up to her and show her your feelings. Vent this angst to her, then give her an ultimatum; stop the hurtful comparisons, stop the jokey comments and move forward together or call it a day.

If you don't let her see the hurt and pain this causes she may truly believe you don't care, that her beauty is enough for you. Lots of really beautiful women are actually very insecure especially as they age, you may believe she looks 15 years younger than she is, but I bet she doesn't. They crave attention and if it seems you are self contained and that no matter how she behaves you will always be there, she may have lost some respect for you.

This is her problem, but to solve it you have to show her what your problem is. Together you may be able to help each other.

waccoe_2 · 25 May 2013 at 3:43PM

My wife has been a stunning looking woman all her life. She finds getting older very difficult and works really hard to always look good. She is very insecure and negative and her glass is always half empty.
I have always been just average looking, I have no problem getting older, if you have never had it, you never miss it. I always make an effort to look presentable and I keep myself in good shape. I am very confident and secure in everything I do except this business I have been talking about. My glass is always half full.

Pixiechic · 25 May 2013 at 4:07PM

I think that how you feel is totally understandable.

I can't believe your wife's insensitivity with her comments and blaming you for the affair. No wonder you feel that you can't approach her.

It's good that you are going to have counselling, I hope it helps.

Will you tell your wife that you are going and why?

waccoe_2 · 25 May 2013 at 4:36PM

Yes I will tell her and why, when the time feels right. She will probably give me a list of faults to talk to the counseller about, lol.

Pixiechic · 25 May 2013 at 5:02PM

The counselling is for you, not her and she shouldn't have any control over what you discuss and when. Your time with your counsellor is exactly that, yours.

I think it's good that you tell her though, maybe she will realise how much she hurt you and the pain that you have had to deal with all this time. I hope that she offers you more support than she has shown you so far.

marisco_2 · 25 May 2013 at 5:18PM

waccoe wrote: »

Yes I will tell her and why, when the time feels right. She will probably give me a list of faults to talk to the counseller about, lol.

Her faults, your faults, or both of yours? I ask this question seriously. I get the impression that you feel that when you inform your wife that you are seeking help from counselling, that you will end up mocked and told to address all your problems in these sessions. If that were to be the case then it would show a total disregard for why you need to do this and be another example of her laying all the blame at your feet. I hope I have this wrong and have misinterpreted what you meant by what I quoted above.

We are all individuals and have our own ways of doing things and viewing life, formed by the way we are raised and our own past experiences. Some of our habits may be irritating to our life partners, and at times it is prudent to reflect and evaluate when we need to adjust our behaviours, so as to keep relationships healthy and compatible. This often comes about naturally when there is good communication, an ability to work together and a wish to compromise in a relationship. No-one is perfect or easy to live with 100% of the time and it would be unrealistic to think otherwise. What makes it difficult to attain this healthy state in a marriage, is when one persons faults are constantly blamed for there being any problems that the couple have.

waccoe_2 · 25 May 2013 at 5:41PM

[QUOTE=marisco;61472593_I_ask_this_question_seriously.__I_get_the_impression_that_you_feel_that_when_you_inform_your_wife_that_you_are_seeking_help_from_counselling,_that_you_will_end_up_mocked_and_told_to_address_all_your_problems_in_these_sessions._[/QUOTE]
I don't think she will mock me but she will advise me to tell them about my jealousy, lack of compassion, coldness, lack of giving affection, I wish she was writting this, the list would be endless, lol.
I think I am a jealous person but I think she has given me plenty of reasons to be over the years.
I was really well brought up as a youngster but there was not a lot of touchy feely love around and we never argued or showed much emotion. I believed this was pretty normal but now I can see it may have caused some damage to my personality.
My wife was brought up very different and she thinks you have to shout and scream to get anywhere in life, you need to make yourself heard.
I have always done the opposite and I feel I have got the whole family to a very comfortable place in life but I understand that my cool exterior must be infuriating to others.
Goodness, I sound really boring and staid, please believe me I'm not, I am just not very good at expressing my feelings although I have come on leaps and bounds since writing on here.