Affair, can't forget

marisco_2

I believe that to get anywhwere in life you should approach situations and people in a calm, pleasant and respectful way. This encourages others to want to listen to you and to take onboard your opinions. If you conduct yourself this way with your life partner they will feel able to open up to you, express all that they are thinking and feeling and develop a close emotional bond with you. This enables you both to give affection, show compassion and eliminates any feelings of coldness or disinterest.

When someone shouts and screams to get their point of view across it undermines what they are trying to achieve in my opinion. People tend to shut off and dont take them seriously. If this occurs in relationships it can erode any confidence a person has in their partner to raise concerns, upsets or worries with them. Instead these are bottled up and not resolved. This situation can be very damaging long term.

Alpha58

Very, very hard to read. A long time ago (21 years) I caught my then-partner in flagrante delicto which caused a very sudden end to a three year relationship. I couldn't let it go, tried to talk to family about it but they weren't really interested so I ended up worrying away at it like a dog with a bone until I had unearthed most of it. What I found out was that she had been at it with, essentially, anything in trousers for as long as we had been together. The more I found out, the worse I felt and, believe me, it was bad.

It took me many years to be able to put it to rest and, if I am being honest, it still bothers me a little that someone whom I adored and worshipped had treated me with such contempt. There were a number of very sad family-related issues in her past which were probably major contributory factors. None of that excuses what she did but perhaps explains it, or at least some of it.

21 years on and she will probably have been following the same pattern throughout her life. I hope she has found happiness and a partner with whom she can be monogamous, but I doubt that she has been able to settle into a responsible and loving relationship.

The only realisation that saved me was that it was nothing I had done that caused it - I am sure she would have done it regardless. She wanted the danger, the risk, the "bit of rough" - and the chances are that the nicer I was, the more she needed to travel a darker path.

I feel for the OP - you have been brave to post and this is obviously a very difficult time. I don't think any of us are in a position to give advice, but I am glad that you are going to start counselling. Pandora's box can contain ugly truths but resolution will only come when you can make sense of how you feel. Good luck!

waccoe_2

Thanks Alpha for sharing that.
I really do believe my wife's past has a lot to do with her behaviour, she did have it hard before we met but since we met 31 years ago I have tried so hard to make life better for her.

waccoe_2

marisco, are you a counsellor, if not I think you have missed your way in life. You always offer careful, considered and sensible advice. I would happily pay you £60 for an hour's consultation.

marisco_2

Waccoe, no I am not a counsellor, I simply learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice Joke!

I am a teacher and part of my role involves having child protection responsibility. 16 years in my profession has brought me into contact with pretty much every life situation. The good, the bad and the ugly. I choose to learn from it all and to try and help others with the knowledge that I have gained where I can.

carefullycautious

Waccoe you really need to remove your street address as it could identify you and your wife

poet123

carefullycautious wrote: »

Waccoe you really need to remove your street address as it could identify you and your wife

That is the address of the Rugby League stadium in Leeds, I am guessing he is a Rhinos fan, not that he lives there.

amus

Im suprised nobody has picked up on this yet but are you sure your wife has only ever strayed once?

She may see your lack of reaction to the affair when she confessed, and you not reacting negatively to 'jokey' comments about meeting lovers as unwritten permission to be straying.

Its just that often when people make 'jokey' comments which are distasteful and out of place there is a modicum of truth to them.

shellsuit

amus wrote: »

Im suprised nobody has picked up on this yet but are you sure your wife has only ever strayed once?

She may see your lack of reaction to the affair when she confessed, and you not reacting negatively to 'jokey' comments about meeting lovers as unwritten permission to be straying.

Its just that often when people make 'jokey' comments which are distasteful and out of place there is a modicum of truth to them.

If that's the case, I'm having it away with a neighbour over the back, his name is Paul and he's got ginger hair.

The reality is that I don't know any neighbours at the back and don't even know anyone called Paul with ginger hair.

It's just a joke I tell my husband when he comes home early from work. Hubby even plays along now himself, it's just a joke but neither of us have strayed.

If one of us had, those comments wouldn't be said, as it would be out of order IMO, even if it was a joke.

marisco_2

amus wrote: »

Im suprised nobody has picked up on this yet but are you sure your wife has only ever strayed once?

You raise a very valid point here. This is something few people who have been cheated on can ever feel totally secure about. Many are left wondering if they know the full extent of the betrayal that has gone on and question if further revelations will come to light over time. There is also the crippling worry that it could happen again and not knowing what could trigger it.

To discover an affair shatters the trust and faith that you had placed in someone. Once you have seen a side to them that you never believed existed, they can become like a stranger to you. It is unsurprising then that many relationships are never the same again and communication breaks down.

Maybe I am saying this in a very simplistic way, but I could not have the emotional bond and intimacy with someone I viewed as a stranger, that I could with a trusted life partner. So when I discovered my ex husbands affair it ended things instantly for me. I couldn't allow him to be my priority in life, while allowing myself to be just an option to him.